At the moment I'm sailing ahead in life rather smoothly. New job, though only for a few months, lovely steady relationship, few friends, tight bonds to my family and a few hobbies I enjoy.
There is an underlying lack of definition of myself. Who am I, where am I going. And a question following the latter: "can those be answered at all or is it even necessary to do so?"
Basic need for anyone roaming the earth is the need to identify oneself. This can be done in relation to all around us, the people, the surroundings, the image in the mirror staring at us relentlessly. Sometimes life seems like a jigsaw puzzle which is all assembled but the final piece, that is you, and it doesn't quite fit in its place.
My burden is the need to know and to plan ahead. The need for direction and goal. Living in the moment, carpe diem, as some brilliant idiot has said, is my Achilles heal. It is near impossibility for me to enjoy life if I know there is something I need to do. Work first, then enjoyment, a very protestant way of living and so far up my spine, that ridding it is a task indeed, if even possible.
Not a way to live in a world filled with endless work. Means only endless lack of relaxation or a need to find a way to balance those two.
But am I to define myself through work? No, I don't think so, not at least solely. Then through everything else as well, all I have in life? Or is not to try and define myself through others but instead on my own grounds, find myself not in relation to others but within myself, what ever that might be if it is even possible to do?
An enlightenment trip to Nepal, perhaps?
Or is just a paradox, self definition? A way one should not travel at all? Dead end in thinking? Is it not to try and find yourself, within yourself or in relation to others or both, but to just live in the moment, feel and breath and not think about tomorrow?
Is to define yourself not to try it at all?
