And it came to pass that God visited the earth, and He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years. And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, self-contradictory ad campaign of His own...
I never said, "Thou shalt not think."
—God
Okay, you've got multiplying down. Now let's try replenishing for a while.
—God
I don't care who started it. Just stop it.
—God
If you seek to know my ways, read a science book.
—God
You'd better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you're all grounded.
—God
Six days? Yeah, right. I'm a scientist, not a magician.
—God
E=mc². Yeah, that's one of mine.
—God
The dinosaurs didn't believe in you either.
—God
Excuse me? Where do you see my name on the front of the Bible?
—God
Only six thousand years old? Oh, that's a good one.
—God
Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up?
—God
I love Marilyn Manson, too. Maybe more than I love you.
—God
Here's a clue—if they say they're doing it in my name, they're lying.
—God
I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it.
—God
Want to know how old the earth is? Ask the earth, not the Bible.
—God
If you don't clean this place up, you won't get another millennium.
—God
I don't blame video games when my children start shooting each other.
—God
I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang.
—God
If you didn't hear it straight from my lips, take it with a grain of salt.
—God
All this will someday be your children's.
—God
There is no such thing as killing in my name.
—God
Stop smirking. I'm talking to you, too.
—God
