You might be Lutheran if…

...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
...you think butter is a spice.
...the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you're watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you."
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."
...you're at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
...you wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of coffee and donuts.
...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before, don't do it.
...you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
...every time something changes, the old one was better.
...you count coffee among the sacraments.

Excerpts from Old Lutheran Humor
http://www.oldlutheran.com/humor/ymbali1.shtml