The Other World

Last Friday, on my way home from work somewhere around eleven in the evening, Argo broke down. Literally: the sadle is so rusty it just broke. And since the sadle couldn't bear any weight (let alone mine) on it, I had to pedal standing. Alas, the pedals have not been designed to bear continuous standing so the other of the pedals just fell off while cycling in front of the police station. I believe whoever was on guard that evening has lots of nice footage on their security cameras of yours truly stopping quickly, slowly putting the cycle lay on the ground, walking calmly to the fallen pedal lying on the street, lifting it up and then scream. I can assure you, walking on a warm Friday night over an hour home in Finland... I probably looked so pissed that even drunkards could see amidst their alcohol veil not to come and share their drunken wisdom with me.

Anyway, this morning my mother brought me a new bike. Well, technically its my sister's but she has a car for the time being so I can borrow the bike. And since she will be moving in the Land of the Rising Son this month (she'll be studying in the university, too; I go, she comes instead - the teachers have got to be thrilled...) I get to use the bike until she hits the town. She's been having trouble finding a sensibly priced flat sensibly near the university. I don't think ever realised how lucky I was to find a cheap room in a trio five minutes away from the university.

In a nutshell: I'm grateful for a bike that works!

- - -

And now, time to continue with Crunch and Cortex. I had trouble determining what exactly I'm expected to do there, but thank heavens for an excellent boss guide at VU Games!

(Damn, I'm tired... three hours of sleep... well, at least I'm more likely to get in bed tonight in time: I'll have my final week at work beginning tomorrow at six thirty.)

Unbelievable, but true: the Faculty of Humanities has actually managed to put all the timetables on the web! Therefore, I have been able to determine the scheduling of the courses that I'm taking at the university this autumn and next spring. Now I know that there are four hours during ten weeks next autumn when I'll have to be physically present in the university. The figure doubles during the spring but by then I'll be familiar with the system at the Polytechnic so I'll be able to sort out all the missing hours with the teachers then.

And then I'll be a Bachelor of Arts!

It may beat out of habit, just because it still can. But that's all. My heart no longer motivates me to do anything: I just do things -go to the gym, write here, wake up- out of habit. I have no flame, no spark left.

I wish I could just leave. But would it change anything? The reasons behind my urge to leave, would they just come someplace else with me? Would the change of scenery change anything within myself?

What if I didn't leave. Or continue here. My only motivation, the one that keeps me going from one day to another, is routine. No, work. Going to work, earning my own income, securing my independence, that's my motivation. Or was, at least. Right now I don't feel I'm worth much, nor is anything I do. This world is not a bit better place for me having been in it, and I seriously doubt that is going to be any different in the future either. So why bother?

Today I forced myself to cook, for the first time in two weeks. For the past fourteen days I haven't eaten much. I haven't really even been hungry. Like nothing tastes anything anymore, or doing something is a huge accomplishment and requires me to force myself to do it. Last night I had trouble reading; even that didin't give me any satisfaction. I haven't been listening to Sonata Arctica whole week; even they can't make me feel better.

Why can't I just feel angry, if nothing else?

- - -

The Meme of the Day:

The Gratitude Project. The idea is to name one thing you're grateful for each day. The blog I got this from connects the Project with the period of time between two religious holidays, but since I'm not religious I'll just take two weeks. For two weeks from today on (11th of August through 24th of August) I will name one thing I can feel even a little grateful for each day.

Day 1: I'm grateful for the existence of the magnificent band Sonata Arctica, who help me to survive this life until I'm free.

(From http://www.sonataarctica.info/site07/index.php?s=1&l=uk&nid=24&ntop=0.)

"Kuten monet jo tietävät, kitaristimme Jani Liimatainen on ollut poissa yhtyeen rivistöstä koko kevään ja kesän. Syynä on ollut hänen "kikkailunsa" varusmies-/siviilipalvelus/vankila -velvollisuuden hoitamisen kanssa. Tai enemmänkin asian totaalinen hoitamattomuus.

Janin ja muiden jäsenten välille kehittyi tämän ja muiden siihen liittyvien seikkojen myötä railo, jonka täyttäminen ilman Janin apua ja myötävaikutusta kävi ylivoimaiseksi.

Täten ilmoitamme seuraavaa: Janin henkilökohtainen tilanne ja toiminta on ajanut meidät viime syksyn ja kevään 2007 aikana tilanteeseen, jossa meillä ei ole muuta vaihtoehtoa kuin erottaa Jani yhtyeestä.

Janille on ilmoitettu asiasta jo toukokuussa ja irtisanominen tapahtui yhteisymmärryksessä Janin kanssa. Halusimme antaa Janille mahdollisuuden saada elämänsä järjestykseen ennen asian julkistamista. Siksi ilmoitus annetaan vasta nyt.

"Show must go on", joten nöyränä tosiasioiden edessä ilmoitamme täten, että Elias Viljanen on tästä päivämäärästä eteenpäin Sonata Arctican virallinen, täysivaltainen jäsen. Elias on kesän aikana todistanut moneen otteeseen olevansa kyvykäs täyttämään Janin jättämät suuret saappaat.

Toivomme ystäviemme ja fanien ymmärtävän tilanteessa tekemämme ratkaisun ainoaksi mahdolliseksi, jotta yhtyeemme voi jatkaa toimintaansa. Sonata Arctica on aina ollut enemmän kuin osiensa summa ja tulee aina olemaan. Yhtyeestä on tullut meille elämäntapa ja henkireikä, jota ei yksinkertaisesti voi tukkia.

Edessä on pitkä "Unia" -kiertue. Toivotamme Eliaksen lämpimästi tervetulleeksi Sonata perheeseen ja toivomme fanien tekevän samoin! Sonata Arctica on jälleen kokonainen.

Nähdään tienpäällä!

parhain terveisin,
~Tony, Tommy, Marko ja Henrik"

If I said this came as a total surprise, I would be lying. But in spite of this we are to have a silent moment to honour Jani's contribution to the evolution of Sonata Arctica, on record as well as on stage.

Go well, Jani.

I dreamt about my father last night. This was the first time in a very long time, even before his death. In my dream he was alive; he had done something while he was drunk, something that had gone terribly wrong. The accident had resulted in my mother being in a very poor condition physically, possibly with plenty of broken bones or something. I put her laying on the grass and covered her with a blanket. At this point my father came from a house across the lawn, swaying and muttering something like he used to do when he was alive and drunk. He kept trying to go to my mother but I went to him and pushed him away, and the more he tried to go pass me, the more violently I kept pushing him away. Finally he limped away with crutches.

I woke up sweaty (mainly due to the imbearable heat). It was so weird: at one moment he was drunk in front of me, the next I'm awake and know that he will never be in front of me again, and I'm not sorry for that. He terrorised me ever since I was a child, now he will do that no more, ever again. I guess I could say I'm finally free to deal with my childhood. Writing a one-sided (i.e. negative) story about him won't psobably classify as grieving, but I don't care. I need to get this out of my system before it pollutes my mind for good and turns me into someone like him (although I already carry that likelihood in my genetic make-up in that alcoholism gene).

- - -

The Meme of the Day:
This one is for you, my father. I still hate you for what you made me. I'm not ready to forgive you for anything yet, but at the present time I feel that someday I'll be able to.

To my fucking drunk father, 'Six feet under the ground' by Deathlike silence. Bottoms up.

"Now it's gone, you're alone
Sleeping there on your own
Days gone by, slowly die
In the endless dream of time

Cloaced in the velvet of an endless night,
surrounded by your only friend, sweet silence.
You sleep at the end of the black rainbow
Six feet under the ground
Your sleep is death your dreams just a void
Your memories all gone with the wind
You lie deep down in the dark
Six feet under the ground"

Anxious. More anxious. Really, truly, bluly anxious. What if she's horrible, insensitive? What if something's wrong without me even sensing it? What if? Knowledge may bring suffering, but not knowing definitely does.

Anyway, with this in mind I bought an interesting book I've read about earlier this year: 'The Story of V' by Catherine Blackledge. I have to admit that the pink cover keeps appaling me. The original name of the book appears to be anatomically correct; the Finnish translation 'Vaginan tarina' is not. It's vulva, people, not vagina!!! How many times does this have to be said until we get rid of this male-and-straight-sex-centred misunderstanding and realise that vulva is the superordinate concept and vagina is its subordinate p a r t? The picture section in the middle has a nice picture of two bonobo (the monkey) females having sex; a male who would apparently want to join them is ignored with an intense eye contact between the two females. ;)

I also found a book to help my self-understanding. Surprisingly enough, this one deals with alcoholism and other drug addictions and their effect on those close to the abuser. There's a section dedicated to the latest discoveries in medicine and psychiatry to help e.g. alcoholists; I'm not sure I want, at least yet, to read of all the things I might have done to help my father instead of making it worse (nice, now I sound like I'm blaiming myself of his alcoholism; that's what my grandmother told us, to behave better and our father wouldn't have to abuse alcohol).

And now, Bones!

- - -

The Meme of the Day:
Which Vagina Monologue Are You?
(http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=V-Day)

#1 My Angry Vagina

#2 My Short Skirt

#3 Reclaiming Cunt

#4 Under the Burqua

#5 The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy

And I was so sure I would be The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy! Damn.

And by the way: if you haven't yet read the book in question or seen the play, you should whether you're a male or a female, straight or gay. We all have to come in close contact with one at least once in a lifetime (well, unless you were born with a Caesarian section, of course).

I'm stuck. I've been playing Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex for several days now, and at the present time I'm very much stuck with the wind elemental Lo-Lo. I don't get it; what is it that I do wrong? I keep doing as before but this time Crunch health bar just won't decrease. i can't even spend time getting gold relics since I don't have the Crash Dash yet.

Okay, let's just try again. Good that I have a night shift tomorrow. We wouldn't want work to interfere with my obsessive-compulsive playing habits, now would we? ;)

And if you understood nothing of the previous, don't worry, I'm just trying to by writing about the situation. After all, not all of us have the brain size of a planet.. or even brains inside a weird-shaped, yellow, half-bald head with a black N on the forehead.

The title is, by the way, a quote from the baddie of the game series, Dr. Neo Cortex (the one on the right in the picture below).

- - -

The Meme of the Day:

"One night, and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter"

'Thanks for the memories' by Fall Out Boy

I think I like this song more now than before; a mainstream song sung by a man with this kind of chorus. Not bad..

Did I, by any chance, mention something about my disturbed sleeping rhythm in the previous entry? Well, it just so happens I have made it even weirder: I just woke up. At four. Post meridiem. I think I slept almost seventeen hours straight. Hmm... that tops even my record when I was depressed and used to sleep fifteen hours most nights.

I think I have to go and rent a movie today, something to do while I stay up most of the forthcoming night. Or I could continue with Sonic or Crash. Life is full of difficult choices.

- - -

The Meme of the Day:
Which Ancient Egyptian Goddess are you?
(http://www.okcupid.com/tests/13741340315020743167/Ancient-Egyptian-Goddess)

"You scored 49 Affection and 47 Chaos!

You are concerned with truth and justice. You always fair, but some people complain that you're "cold" or "judgemental". You are there for your friends and family, although their needs sometimes devour your own.

"M'aat was the ideal of what behavior should be in Ancient Egypt. When a person died, their heart was weighed against her feather. If the heart was lighter than the feather, then they went on to the Land of the Dead and eventually to Osiris. If it was heavier, the entire soul (Ba) was fed to the horrific beasts that ate the impure."

My daily sleeping rhythm is getting out of control. During the past five nights I have slpet once properly -eight hours- but otherwise the amount of sleep has been between three and four hours per night. Right now I'm having my second sleepiness peak today; the first one was, as always, between eleven and one. That's the point at work when I get rid of the chair and work standing because even I can't sleep standing!

- - -

I heard Nightwish's second single today by accident. I was listening to radio and someone wished for "the latest by Nightwish". I was smiling: yes, 'Eva', now I can hear it for the second time. But instead there came 'Amaranth'. I didn't even know it was out. Anyway, I was content until we reached the chorus; I misheard the lyrics completely and in the stead of "the tears of snow-white sorrow" I actually managed to hear it as "Jesus know I sorrow". I was terrified: had Holopainen, my semi-idol, become overtly Christian?! No, as I found out when I checked the lyrics online, but for a while I was positive he had turned to the dark side and began to fill the lyrics with the dominant world view. Luckily for me he didn't, but the whole event gave me chills.

- - -

The Meme of the Day:
My Top five of songs I hope to hear when I have to listen to NRJ for eight hours a day at work:

1. Maroon 5: Wake-up call
2. Nightwish: Eva
3. Justin Timberlake: Sexyback
4. Anna Abreu: The end of this love
5. Boomkat: The Wreckoning (not even remotely plausible to hear on NRJ...)

My Top 5 of song they could play less than the three times during those eight hours:

1. Velvet: Fix me
2. Mika: Relax (take it easy)
3. September: Can't get over you
4. Timbaland: The way I are
5. Nelly Furtado in general

The Special Award for the Stupendous Ability to Piss Splenetic off at least Twice a Day:

Tea: Tytöt tykkää (AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!)

I'm talking about my co-worker. She seems to think of herself superior to.. pretty much every one else present. Especially us who are working there throughout the summer get to be the recepients of her bossy attitude. And if I were prone to paranoia, I would say she particularly fond of picking on me.

Last Friday I arrived at work at 6.30, went to the packing work point where I had been the whole previous week, and of the two tables there I chose the one whose height can be altered. This little sunshine of a co-worker then arrived after seven and the first thing she said to me was a command to gather my things and go to the other table. I explained to her that I spent by that table the entire previous day and that my back hurt as a result since it's so low and I'm so tall. Her reply in a tone that the matter is thus closed: "So am I" and then she left. I swallowed my counter arguments and obeyed. Unfortunately, I hadn't changed the table fast enough because once she came back she told me to change the table again, accompanied by my name in a HIGHLY irritating, condescending tone, the one used by my mother when she's deliberately annoying me.

This attitude reached it climax (at the present time, at least) today. I come to work, and ask a perfectly reasonable question whether a certain paper has been taken out of the computer so that I could go and pack the things piled up next to the very low table. And what happens? She tells me to follow her, but instead of heading to the computer, she leads me to the pole point (ignore its meaning) and promptly tells me to go and fix the remaining pieces of the poles already put together with the machine. And she takes off again. At noon I ask my other co-worker, who's been putting the poles together, if she would like to continue putting them together and I would go fixing them together with the machine since I had already spent there the whole morning. Apparently the Little Miss Sunshine had explicitly told her to stay by the table whole day, that *I* would do the fixing. She said that she, too, finds the Sunshine a little odd. Good to know I'm not paranoid.

If she's being rude to me on purpose, I must have done something to piss her off. I just don't know what and talking to her won't probably do any good, she'll just be meaner.

I'm so going to work at 6.30 tomorrow and take out so many orders she can't force me to go to exile unless she wants to be burdened by those orders herself (which I find unlikely knowing her working morale; seriously, if I took that many unofficial breaks to hang around and chat with certain others, I would get fired in a week!).