The Other World

I could be on my way to a pub, to watch a pub quiz. To try to be social. But no... even if we ignore that I was a bit sick yesterday and on Tuesday...

I can't do it. I can't go to a place where all these people have fun with their friends and loved ones. I can't. It's as if each day makes me feel more alone than the day before; one more day of loneliness, of constant yearning for *her*, for even one friend. Anything than going days on end without speaking to anyone face to face. Knowing all the time that *she* is out there living *her* own life, a life with friends and -what kills me at the moment the most- a loved one.

Why do those I find perfect for me are ones out of my reach? Is this what everyone has to do; to settle for someone else and secretly wish they were with the some other? If so, why bother at all?

It seems getting a pizza has become a rather adventorous experience nowadays. The local Kotipizza tends to always have TV 5 on, and come 9 o'clock... oh dear. Tonight the mindblowing entrance to the "adult" TV turned out to be a bunch of men talking and showing explicitly their use of penis elongator (or whatever the term is). NOT what I'd normally watch. Lovely, isn't it: billions of years and this is as far as we've come, non-medical cosmetic surgery without knife on TV. I'm sure the three teenage boys there must have had an "educating" time, considering the looks on their faces.

Do those things even work? Skin you can stretch but veins, not without surgery. Apart from that there's the one surgery thing where they cut off a ligament to make the penis hang lower but that also makes erection tricky. So what the hell's the point?

There's someone I like. Not Her, for those of you who have an idea what the capitalisations means. After four years, finally someone else. I doubt my chances are at least as low as with Her. Let's call her... fuck, I don't know, *she*.

Anyway, I could go and see *her* today. I just have no reason other than wanting to see and talk with *her*. Not good. I have a baddish day. It seems likely I'll sleep through the day to spend time, or watch a TV series. I have no one to talk to; I don't have a meeting with the psychologist until Thursday. I was hoping a package of books would have arrived today so I would have had a reason to go outside. Lectures are no longer a very good motivation to even get out of bed, let alone go through the trouble of clothes and shoes and bag and going out the door. I'm a fucking zombie. "Sometimes when the heart has a disease, it doesn't kill you. Then you have living dead." I feel like a living dead most of the time.

Sitting at the square, watching light in the windows of the surrounding houses. So many apartments, so many lives. Even though it is an statistically inaccurate assumption, it seems to me as if all of those people I see in the windows are happy. I feel as if they all have someone else in the apartment with them, someone who loves them and who they love. I go home and sit on my bed with all lights turned out, in the darkness.

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"E says hi. She says you started studying the same year. We're on the same German group. :)" One message from my sister and I'm better already. So easy to better my day but so few times that actually happens.

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Sex drive is on the highway again. Not only during day time but in my dreams as well. Maybe I should begin prostituting... :/

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In a couple of months I'll be 25. A quarter of a century. I'm getting too old to still be like this: never having dated anyone, never having had a romantic relationship with anyone, never having been even kissed let alone anything else. And at the same time I have plans laid out for a permanent job, buying a house, mortgages, car, maybe weddings, maybe kids... And then be hit by the reality again.

This is a downward spiral no cutting can fix even momentarily, no amount of sleep, no nothing. Dwelling in Studio Ghibli's worlds which usually can make everything better... even dwelling in them doesn't help since so many of the films are based on outsiders finding companions, partners.

My usual blues seems so easy to fix compared to this: just going out and get involved with some student activity. But right now going out means seeing all those couples walking there hand in hand... all those people that lead their usual lives with relationships... all those women that might have been if I were different... fuck, now I'm crying again. What's the use of crying over something that won't change?