The Other World

I wonder... where exactly does the problem lie? The Polytechnic's communication sucks big time. The time tables are not updated online but instead all classroom and time changes are made either through hear'n'say or e-mail (usually several different teachers posting on the same change from different point of views...). Now that I would have an exam tomorrow, I have no idea where it is or when even though I've been trying to track it down for two days. The teacher in question very kindly replied my message on the matter but did not answer to either of those questions. So I guess I won't be having an exam tomorrow unless I turn out to be in the right place at the right time by chance.

Well, I hope it's not at eight a.m. I spent the entire evening at school until the janitor came to kick me and two others out at 8 p.m., resulting in my leaving my memory stick to the IT class. Problem is that it has, for instance, a 12-page essay in it. I, of course, don't have a copy of it. Nice... I don't use the stick a lot because I keep forgetting it all the time, and I keep forgetting it all the time because I don't use the stick a lot... I'll be posting in front of the IT class from 7.30 a.m. tomorrow, hoping some kind soul with a key will let me in to get it before someone else does. Hopefully I'll be able to get my arse to Polytechnic on time.

Belgium... how thick can I get?!

- - -

Playing now:
'Destination departure' by Tristania.

In the room in which we normally have our Combat classes is filled with toddlers during the hour before our class begins. I usually get there early, and I get the dubious pleasure to see them run from the class to the nursery. This time I made an alarming observation; apart from one, ALL girls were dressed in something pink or lacey or pink *and* lacey. All the boys, on the other hand, were wearing perfectly normal clothing.

What does this tell to the girls? That you must be wearing a certain thing and behave in a certain way in order to be accepted? That being yourself isn't enough? That there's no going outside without having to put on a show or a role of some kind?

What does this tell to the boys? It's okay to be themselves.

... fuck this patriarchal society!!!

- - -

Playing:
'The Heart of Everything' by Within Temptation.

What a wonderful day! Excellent even!

The body composition analysis I had this morning at the gym. I had not only achieved my January goal but actually almost doubled it. Okay, so the loss wasn't actually to be seen in the overall weight due to my body -for reasons unknown- gathering as much fluid as I've lost fat but still. I achieved what I aimed for. Could be worse. And besides, the fluid gathering should be temporary; I'll count on that.

Later the same day: I know this isn't much but it sent me to the seventh heaven when I greeted Her, not the other way around. I can't believe it, I've never talked to Her so that I would have been the one to start it. Hmm... if only you could see this smirk on my face. A cat who has just eaten a canary bird, anyone?

- - -

Now playing:
'Cry for the Moon' by Epica.

How much can a person change in three years?

A lot. At least I can. Today I just did something that would have been completely and utterly out of the question, say the three years ago. I went to Combat and during the last song before the abs and the stretching, the instructor walked among us selecting some of those wearing similar colours as she to go up on the stage (she does that). Well, technically her shirt was dark green as I pointed out but she still got me go up on the stage despite my black shirt. The view is wholly different than I imagined. And six people on the stage makes it crowded, as I also learned. Nonetheless, a nice experience; I don't even care how I looked or if I did the strikes 100% correctly.

Too bad She missed the miracle. =) That would have made the day's third phase fantastic had I seen Her.

Jesus... I'm like a bloody bomb ready to go off sometimes. The day started off so nicely: no hurry in the morning, lovely weather outside, listening to Deathlike SIlnece on my way to school, solving a source problem for the dying patient presentation, and discovering I had a four out of one of the most difficult courses (and knowing I got a four after only two hours I spent reading to the exam the previous night). Then, I manage to cut my hand (no push-ups for me tonight at Combat) and went to the public health nurse to get something to fix myself up and walking to the right classroom for the next scheduled class only to learn they had started it while I was waiting in vain for the nurse to show up, and waiting until the rest of the class came outside saying the lecture was finished already. I left, immediately.

I don't know what's wrong with me. One moment everything's fine, the next something small and ordinary happens and I act like it's the end of the world. I mean, mix-ups happen all the time and it's not a disaster. But why do I act like it is?

"Brick by brick we built this tower of illusion
But instead of completion
it has come tumbling down!"
'Solar red' by Velcra.

I just got home from the gym. My favourite instructor has been on a vacation for the past two weeks and she just came back this morning. Now, as I went to Pump, I wasn't expecting to see her there but there she was. And the miracle... as she came to collect my paper (a small piece of paper with the name of the class, my name, time etc.) I actually touched her shoulder, without doing my usual let's-think-this-through-so-I-won't-make-a-complete-fool-out-of-myself-oh-the-moment-passed-already, and said it's nice to have her back and that I had started missing her.

Fact forbid, am I becoming .. *shivers*.. extroverted???

And, hurrayh, my muscles aren't aching anywhere near much as on Saturday even though I used exactly the same weights as then (more weights in one song even!). Can't wait for the Combat class tomorrow. I get to let out all the pressure my meeting the therapist tomorrow.

- - -

Now playing:
'Beyond the Invisible' by Enigma. I heard this song once on TV. It was used as a background song for a performance by the Finnish ice-skaters Susanna Rahkamo and Petri Kokko. The song kept going on in my head occasionally for years; then, by acciddent, I found out the song a few years back.

It's funny; having a song pop in your head one morning, a song you haven't thought about or heard for ages, and then later the same day you hear it from the radio or something.

I saw Her today. She looked gorgeous in that flaming red shirt, with Her long hair coming down Her back, revealing Her beautiful face...

For a few days I thought -perfectly seriously albeit obviously naïvely- that I was finally making some progress: I was able imagine myself making love to someone else than Her. Now... I can't do that anymore without feeling the other is merely a substitute, just a warm body with an inadequate mind compared to Her.

Someone once said that clinging to an impossible love like this is selfish. I couldn't understand how this is selfish; it isn't my duty to be in a relationship with anyone. But why can't I move on?

Ouch...

Good evening, sweeties!

Whoever said that people only write in their diaries when they have a bad day and want to complain and dwell in self-pity?

Abso-fucking-lutely a wonderful day! I woke up an hour before the alarm clock set a nine o'clock, and got a punch of household chores done before setting my foot in the gym: first BodyPump, followed by BodyBalance. I discovered that adding weights in Pump is recommended to do when you are *not* planning to attend another class right after. I could feel my legs shaking in the Three-legged Dog and the Pyramid so much that others probably noticed it too if they looked at my way. Ouch. But nowhere near how much it's going to hurt tomorrow morning. ;)

Later on I cleaned my closet (pun unintended) and now it's remotely orderly. I have to remember to call SPR on Monday to pick up some of the stuff that can still be used, and may be useful for someone else than me. Donating flower-patterned sheet I got as a present isn't such a bad thing, is it? I mean, the sheets help me to help someone else, so it's not that bad, and really it's the thought that counts.

- - -

I have an appointment with my therapist next week. She's obsessed with my social life -or my *non-existing* social life, to be precise. I don't know what she expects of me; I'm not going to pretend to be social and go to a bar (besides, they're all straight here anyway) and get wasted. I don't even drink alcohol, damn it! I consider it a waste of time unless there's a band I like performing (which happens far too rarely). Fuck I will start behaving like the majority to make friends that wouldn't even be actual friends since they would most likely be drunk as hell and remember nothing, not to mention that lying/pretending/faking isn't exactly the best possible basis for a relationship. Even a mockery of a human being the social animal (= me) can see this.

- - -

Playing now:
'Transitory' by After Forever. Absolutely one of the gems on the album. And, yes, I am currently having an After Forever phase. I'm like a spree killer when it comes to music; spring 2006 went by listening costantly to Sonata Arctica and the summer 2006 was dedicated to Lacuna Coil. Last summer was much a combination of Sonata and Velcra. I wonder if they're coming to my town anywhere near future?

We have this IT course at the Polytechnic at the moment and, as the final paper, we are to write a ten-page paper with tables and all of a subject of our own choice. I pondered the subject for a great while; should I go the easiest way and just do as one of my classmates and copy my Bachelor's Thesis, only having to change the citations to match the school's own writing rules(somewhat different from those of the university)? Or should I write a whole new paper of something? For a while I thought of doing a study of the categorisation of metal and its subcategories based on a terminology theory. Then I thought of analysing the lyrics of a certain band (After Forever, Nightwish, Sonata Arctica, Velcra) based on their themes or by analysing them through Halliday's systemic-functional grammar or focus on one of its levels (seriously, I could write an entire Master's Thesis with only one; all three would make up a bloody doctorate). No.

Today I finally decided to write about something that also leaves the linguistics behind and comes quite close to actual nursing since that is what we study. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce... the mysterious G-spot! Since I've read all these sexology books about female anatomy and sexuality, why not actually use all that knowledge? So, with a little help from Alfred Kinsey, Kari Heusala, Violet Blue and Felice Newman I'll be able to come up with an interesting and thorough piece involving the development of the G-spot. I think I'll concentrate on the female G-spot only. I really don't want to waste any pages on writing about men; mentioning in a subclause that men have one too is enough.

I think I want to write down the main sources and different title possibilities, and a preliminary structure for the essay. I'll enjoy this assignment. I wonder how strict that ten pages is? But how am I going to include a chart? What can I make a chart of? Have a poll in the school corridors: how many men/women know its location? Or think they know?

- - -

Listening now:
'Beneath' by After Forever