I rated my blog again (see some previous entry). The results: mainly NC-17 with four Rs. All this based on the presence of the following words (totals):
Oh, that's interesting. And very provocative. This Serj Tankian video I'm watching, I mean. They have a kid building two high towers out of building blocks and then some other kid trows a toy air plane at them, making both of them come tumbling down. WTC, anyone? Now I'm going to end op some American 'potential terrorists' list and they block my blog. Heh, Serj looks like Tony Salhoub as Ian Stark. I like the coincidence. Oh, 'Empty walls' the song is called.
Wau, a quiz whose questions (or how they're phrased) make my year sound *nice*!
***You Had a Fantastic Year!***
Compared to most years, last year was definitely great. Overall, you're living a much better life than you were twelve months ago. And nothing is a better mark of a good year. Here's to hoping next year is even better!
Okay, so the hearing is on an on/off mode apparently. It "unlocks" when yawning. So at least it's unlikely the condition stays; the ear cavity is probably just full of bogus at the moment.
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So. The last day of this year. The year I so very much like. Have I grown as a person during the year (bear with me, I've been filling in some personality/social skills/negative thought patterns/whatever questionnaires for my therapist lately)? Bullocks. I don't exactly grow as a human being, I am moulded by the surrounding world, I just try to fight back (with varying success).
And how am I going to greet the year 2008 (or whatever the year actually is; weren't they debating on millenium what the actual year of Jesus's birth was)? I'll probably be browsing the web and watching television, occasionally visiting the balcony in hope of seeing a firework or two. My *real* new year will be tomorrow evening somewhere around ten p.m.; I'll send you people a happy new year's greeting when Holopainen & Co. walk on the stage.
And now, I need to track down some taxi company numbers for tomorrow; there have been a couple of stabbings in Kallio during last monts so I doubt I'll push my luck by seeing if I'll still be in one piece after walking for thirty minutes alone at night from Jäähalli to my aunt's place (where I'll be staying). So I'll just rather pay for a bit more safe transportation.
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Oh, almost forgot. The vibrator works.
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And have a safe new year's eve. Try not to get too wasted, for everyone's sake.
Well, the fever's gone and hopefully stays that way until the 3rd. However, I noticed today that the hearing in my right ear is worse. There are some viral infections that can cause temporary hearing problems. I do hope it IS temporary. I've had a hearing issue ever since I was a kid (they say it's genetic but I have trouble believing a hearing problem is inheritable to first borns only and always only the first ones); there was a time when a doctor told me it's only a matter of time when I'll go deaf (all the way), and then I decided to kill myself if that happened. A bit extreme (I plea the mitigating factor of being a melodramatic teenager), I know, but it just feels so unjust if I had to loose my hearing right now that I've learned to live with the decease, and with what's happened this year, and now that I have finally come to terms with what I am, and when I am finally getting over Her (I'm not kidding!) and ready to look for a serious relationship with a woman I can feel equal with. And yet I'm not angry. That's very scary because I should be making appointments to doctors who can tell ASAP what the hell caused this and whether or not it's permanent, not sitting here calmly sipping Fanta (did I mention I left out all caffeine after I found out it may cause difficulties to get pregnant when browsing through fertility treatment sites), eyeing a romantic comedy every now and then.
I'll be damned if this isn't temporary.
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Post scriptum (to cheer things up a bit): I managed to overheat my vibrator. =) We'll see if it works later on.
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PS II: Someone in the neighbourhood is already celebrating new year and decided to fire a rocket. Good news is that I had very little difficulties hearing that...
The Nightwish concert draws nearer... I have had the ticket for months, yesterday I collected the train tickets to minimise the nasty surprises, I have a place to stay the night...
and I also have a 37,2 fever. Well, fuck me sideways. At least I have four days to get over this. Which hopefully will be enough. Does it make any considerable difference whether or not I take Aspirin?
A note: DO NOT PRESS "ESC" BUTTON WHILE WRITING UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
I did. As I was saying... I'll be off to my mother's place for four looooong days (I may die of boredom).
So, because I am so very lazy I'll wish you all merry Yule here. Let me know how many of the languages did you recognise WITHOUT using Google.
Hyvää joulua ja parempaa uutta vuotta!
God Jul och Bättre Nytt År!
Merry Yule and a Better New Year!
Buon Natale e felice anno nuovo!
Gleðileg jól og farsælt nýtt ár!
Häid Jõule ja Head Uut Aastat!
¡Feliz Navidad y próspero año nuevo!
Frohe Weihnachten und ein gutes neues Jahr!
A Blithe Yule an a Guid New Year!
Geseënde Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwe jaar!
Joyeux Noël et bonne année!
Prettige kerstdagen en een Gelukkig NieuwJaar!
Nadolig llawen a blwyddyn newydd dda !
yItIv QISmaS 'ej Quch chu' wa'maH 'ej cha' maSmey!
Ya'at'eeh Keshmish!
Natale hilare et annum faustum!
I am right now acting like a stereotypical gay man: I'm listening to Epica cover of 'Memory' from the musical 'Cats' for the Xth time today.
Pop quiz: did you know the above-mentioned musical is based on T.S. Eliot's play called 'Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats'? If you didn't, congratulations: now you do.
Tomorrow, my dear fellows under the rainbow, I will be a manipulative bitch and pretend to be a straight woman. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this because I wish to hide my true colours. My intention is to keep one important piece of information from my mother. It's her doctor I need to talk to tomorrow in order to be allowed to continue on the pills and since the ..hmm.. straight assumption is that I need them not to get knocked up by my alleged boyfriend... well, I'll just go along and not correct the doctor, just in case she does not view our phone conversation as part of her professional confidentiality. So lest she tells the details of the conversation to my mother (I phoned there earlier today and later to my mother who told me a nurse had told her of the phone call, so I'm not too convinced of confidence of any discussion in there), my mother will assume I'm straight and having sex with "my boyfriend" (she's probably not going to ask me about it directly, so I don't have to keep on pretending... not that I would even if she did ask) instead of knowing why I really need the pills.
That is my business, and my business alone. My mother has betrayed my trust so many times I tell her nothing significant. My advice to you, from a child's point of view: don't lie to them even when it's something you don't find in any way important. It may not be important but children have the tendency of remembering the oddest things. And they don't forget you lied to them; then they'll know you can do it again, and whether that something is important or not makes no difference at all.
Is it this bloody Yule creeping behind the corner or have people just gone insane?
Last week at Anttila the entire building was filled with people doing their shoppings. As I was standing in a relatively 'for-one-person'-sized alley between the shelves and pondering whether or not to get a DVD X, some guy came from behind and poked my back with his finger! Not only did it feel very nasty in and of itself, but by the time I realised it was a man breaking my physical immunity I was ready to push him back and remind him with somewhat restrained voice to *ask* people to move instead of touching them. Alas, there was a guard standing nearby so I had to swallow my anger and instead stare the guy for a very long time with a very icy stare and move my back as if shaking off something very much unwanted. I think he got the message, even though I would have preferred an actual verbal discipline lesson in front of the entire department.
Today, as I was paying my groceries, again some yahoo decided to ignore my right to physical immunity and poked my hips from both sides at the same time. The only reason the person got away with it with yet another icy stare was that it was a she. Had it been male, I would have started shouting right there.
What is it that people don't respect everyone's right not to be touched, especially by strangers? Do they ignore it with everyone? Had the people done it if I were a man? No, they wouldn't have.
I cannot believe I have been going to the gym for over two years but never had I tried out BodyBalance until tonight. What a mistake! What an excellent way to spend an hour!
Seriously, for a person like me living in conscious celibacy there could be nothing better than BodyBalance. By the end of the class my body is thoroughly relaxed as in after a specially good orgasm and the whole world seems to be smiling at me. And this feeling c o m p l e t e l y without the aspect of sex!
Yesterday there was a story about the Finnish childbearing habits and its effects on television in "45 minuuttia". I couldn't help my feelings flare up while watching it. It was probably intentionally made provocative but still...
The main thing that really bothered me was the attitude that women are socially allowed to do whatever they want with their life to certain age. The whole thing seemed to be "The Handmaid's Tale" veiled with women's freedom. As if it is our duty as women to have children and thus increase the number of children being born (and the number of future tax payers, obviously). This of course further reinforces the patriarchal norms and, more importantly, the way the heteronormative society views women and their position in the contemporary society.
It seems that there are several things the authorities have, conveniently enough, ignored when it comes to the financial level of having children. First, the child allowance has remained the same for ages. Even though the allowance does increase with the number of children (with about ten euros more to have two children instead of one), it does NOT make difference with the children's age. Imagine having twins. You cannot reuse clothing, shoes, school and hobby accessories and such since there needs to be two of them at the same time. Obviously, this is more expensive than the allowance suggests.
Second, staying home as a home mom is not possible for a single woman. The allowance to get for that (or for cutting down working hours, too) is lower than the one an unemployed person gets daily. In all, the financial support the society gives to parent/parents has not been updated to equal with today's price level. If one happens to have a lot money BEFORE having children, it helps. Otherwise, one is doomed to be labelled statistically as 'poor'.
Let's think this in a personal level next. Let's assume I wanted to give my share to the society's expectation right now. What is my current status? I do not have a significant other, so the entire responsibility to support the household (that is, me and the child/children [fertility treatments increase the possibility of multiple pregnancies, hence the plural option]) would rest on my shoulders. I'm a student without a degree so I would get allowances as seen below. The thing that really bothers is that being a single mom without a degree I would not be getting a job very easily afterwards anywhere. The amount of the allowance is determined by one's income. Being a student I get the minimum allowance. If I waited until I had a job the allowance would be higher. So is it really a surprise people want to study and get that bloody job before having children?!
Mother allowance: 50-30 days before the expected date for 105 days, with my income = 15,20 €/day
Parent allowance: 158 days right after the mother allowance, with my income = 15,20 €/day
Child allowance: from the beginning of the month following the birth month, one child = 100 €
Total financial support per month =
8th pregnancy month: appr. 228 €
9th pregnancy month: appr. 395 €
1st month with the child: appr. 495 €
2nd month with the child: appr. 328 €
3rd -> month with the child: 100 €
And all this without any other support from anyone else. And added to the fact that I would have to use fertility treatments (ironically enough, I would have to do that whether I was a lesbian or a straight woman...) the cost of which hover around two thousand per each try, which in my case might be several. Not exactly encouraging to go through.
"45 minuuttia" titled the story with the word 'selfishness' in it. But is it really selfish not to have children to a world where the daughter can be raped and then blamed for it? Is it selfish not to have a child in a world where there is no justice, no equality, and where the tower of illusion of freedom comes tumbling down every fucking day? Is it really selfish not to force them to go through this when we, our own generation, deliberately makes things even worse? A Timo Rautianen & Trio Niskalaukaus song says that this world is not to be left to the children, but that WE have borrowed the world from the children.
I don't think the children are quite pleased of the condition the world is returned.
