My quest for the perfect gynaecologist has come to an end! I have found her! I cannot even begin to describe the happiness and relief I am experiencing at the present time. Now I don't have to worry about that for many a year to come; now I know I have a doctor who is perfectly okay with me being a lesbian and also paid attention to my request to tell me everything before doing anything!!! YAY!!!
In other words, I have piled up the books I plan to read over the forthcoming three months. And taken a teeny tiny headstart amidst the dozen assignments I should hand in during next week.
The books on my desk:
Mitch Albom: Fem personer du möter i himlen
Dee Brown: Haudatkaa sydämeni Wounded Kneehin
Julio Cortázar: Ruutuhyppelyä
Roald Dahl: Rakkaani, kyyhkyläiseni
Daniel Defoe: Robinson Crusoe
Torey Hayden: Auringonkukkametsä
Torey Hayden: The Very Worst Thing
James Joyce: Dubliners
Stephen King: Four Past Midnight
Barbara Kingsolver: The Poisonwood Bible
George Orwell: Nineteen Eighty-Four
Anne Rice: The Vampire Chronicles Collection
Nawal El Saadawi: God Dies by the Nile
Lionel Shriver: Poikani Kevin
Mark Twain: Matkakirjeitä Maasta
Yvonne Vera: Butterfly Burning
Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray
Additional ones:
Beowulf
Minna Canth: Työmiehen vaimo
Alexandre Dumas: Kolme muskettisoturia
J.W. von Goethe: Nuoren Wertherin kärsimykset
Lee Harper: To Kill a Mockingbird
Thomas Keneally: Schindlerin lista
Gaston Leroux: The Phantom of the Opera
Christopher Marlowe: Dr. Faustus
Herman Melville: Moby Dick
Shohei Ooka: Tulia tasangolla
Ken Saro-Wiwa: Sozaboy
Jonathan Swift: Gulliverin matkat
Kurt Vonnegut: Slaughterhouse Five
Yay, I get to read whatever I want, whenever I want,and in whatever order I happen to like!!! Thirty boooks!!! Yeeheee!!! Can't wait!!!
Edit: Not my bookcase underneath. I'll post my bookself once I get the new phone (the current one is showing worrying signs of malfunctioning at times).
Fifteen minutes. That's how long I said I could lay on my bed and relax before getting up and changing my clothing more suitable for BodyCombat. And an hour later I open my eyes and see that the class started over five minutes ago. Belgium!!!! I wait for this class every week. It is the one thing that makes my Wednesdays (in addition to C.S.I when it's running). And the funny thing is, I don't even recall ever falling asleep or waking up! I didn't even feel like an hour!
I'm sad. Not only did I miss going to the gym altogether but I also missed my favourite class by my favourite instructor. =( Actually, I think I'm going to change the emoticon into the crying one. That's closer to reality. Damn... I missed going through the entire new Combat programme for the second time. Next time won't be until next Sunday and before that I have the bloody pedagogical basics lectures, ten long hours. Ten hours because of which I miss one old Combat and one old Pump and one old Balance. Fuck. Why does everything go to hell today?
Therapist: "Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it? You want a child and if you got pregnant as a result of being raped, you would have a child."
YOU KNOW, FUCK YOU!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!! LIKE I WOULD WANT TO CARRY A BEING INSIDE OF ME THAT WOULD BE NOT ONLY A CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT HAPPENED BUT ALSO HALF GENETICALLY LIKE THAT PIECE OF SHIT WHO CONSIDERS HIMSELF -AS ALL MEN DO- SO FUCKING SUPERIOR!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! I WOULD KILL THE CHILD AS SOON AS I FOUND OUT ABOUT IT IF I HADN'T ALREADY KILLED MYSELF BEOFRE THAT YOU GODDAMN IMBECIL BLIND STRAIGHT WOMAN!!!
WHY ARE ALL STRAIGHT WOMEN SO FUCKING BLIND WHEN IT COMES TO MEN???? "They already do whatever women want." I HATE TO REPEAT MYSELF BUT WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU???
A personal question: have you, as gays and lesbians, ever been attracted to a member of the opposite sex? As in having sex with them? Dreaming of this while not sleeping?
- - - - -
"Ye be warned, here be monsters."
Never try the Atkins diet. My personal trainer put me in it and it is killing me. The few people I knew who have been on this at some point of their lives tell me it's very tiring. Yes it is, and combining that with nearly obsessive or maniacal attitude towards the gym. Hell, if I'm going to live on mere proteins the purpose of which is to build up muscles, fact forbid if I don't take the most out of it. And so I am wearing myself out. Well... I'm willing to give this thing a go. If it works better than the usual diet, I promise to consider going on with this. If it works a whole lot better than the normal one, I suppose I could continue with this for another month as the work load is going to decrease at the end of the month (sorry Eliot, but May is the cruelest month for a student).
I have also been keeping a food diary lately. I have concluded that this year the Coca Cola Company's Fanta section will send me a Christmas card.
- - - - -
I've been considering to move to a studio to become even more unsocial and run away from the constant threat of roommates. It quite a depressing feeling to want to move in with someone when you have no one. I went to have lunch with two of my Polytechnic classmates yesterday and listening to them going on about their boyfriends, and what kind of a house they would want (the Finnish dream along the lines "punainen talo ja perunamaa" seems appealing to them) and how they would want kids one day... it all made me want to become invisible. Not because I would have been ashamed of myself but because I am not strong enough to achieve the same thing. Good news to those of you who have been forced to see me banging my head to the wall every time I talk about Her: I am beginning to get over Her. Not all the way yet but perhaps in a while. Not that I would turn Her down if She showed interest in me but... I need to stop banging my head to the wall! I am finally accepting that. Nice... it only took two and a half years. Nice going, Splenetic!
- - - - -
Okay, we finally went through the entire new BodyCombat programme today. The grande finale seems to a bit tricky after the first time. The kata is all weird. I have to practise that.
- - - - -
Playing now: "Good To Me" by Re-con & Squad E. "Rain Down Love" is another sure to stick in my head.
I seem to be incapable of concentrating long enough to write one thing. Right now I should be doing an assignment that came out of nowhere (wasn't even in the course description). But as my mind has been occupied with the BodyPump 66 tracks since SpinnPump this morning I ended up searching them from YouTube (not until recently have I discovered how useful that site can be!). And these are the ones that have been going on in my mental disco all day long:
Freemasons feat. Siedah Garrett: Rain Down Love (warm-up)
Technotronic: Get Up (breast)
Rogue Traders: On Your Way to the Disco (biceps)
Moby: James Bond Theme (BodyCombat)
My favourite from the previous/on-going programme 65:
You Can't Stop the Beat (from Hairspray)
Yup, I have had a taste of the forthcoming -yet officially unreleased- Combat programme. I can already be certain that by this time tomorrow, my butt is going to hurt, a lot. Oh, and I have to tell you that the second warm-up song is... =), well, the Bond theme. Excellent! As for the budybuild section, they say it can be divided into five section: first we have abs, then we have a bit more abs, third one is abs as well, and finally the fourth and the fifth ones are... abs! Yeeha.
The next BodyPump wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (the warm-up song sticks in my head), though my knees do hurt in the second song; *insert drumming here* I have passed the limit of 10 kg per side in that one. Yeeha!
- - - - -
NAKKI! That is the only word proper enough to describe one thing. I received an e-mail on Monday telling me that I have been chosen to represent tutors in a campus event next fall and that I should be present when all others taking part in the planning activities five hours after the message was sent. Of course I didn't read the message until the next, resulting in me sendng an emergency message back to the person sending me the original "invitation" asking what the hell is going on. Yeah, I know I said I'd be happy to be involved, I was just stupid enough to assume these people would ask me before instead of pulling off something like this, appointing me to do something I have no idea about (yes, I have *heard* of this event, but I have no other idea what it is). Anyway, today came a reply telling me vaguely what things are to be done during the spring and which things are left for the autumn. Too bad the writer didn't bother to differentiate which tasks are my responsibility or whether I have those considering I dont' even know who others are involved in this tiny project as I could not attend the meeting, for obvious reasons...
This makes me a bit pissed but right now I'm still too happy about the BodyCombat experience. You know, somebody's pulse hit 190 and beyond during the fifth song. Not bad.
- - - - -
Playing now:
"Maailmassa monta on ihmeellistä asiaa..."; there was a boy singing this on the balcony when I passed him on my way home from the gym. Made me smile.
Funny. I had a moderate day this morning and it ended extremely badly: I can assure each and every one of that having a panic attack while cycling very fast in the middle of an intersection is not a good thing! The bloody thing gave a terrible headache (Bayern is probably going to send me a Christmas card this year with all the painkillers I take...). I decided to take a nap and after sleeping in full clothing for two hours everything seemed so much better. Which is why I should go to bed if I'm planning to get my ass to SpinnPump tomorrow morning.
Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! (Who the hell came up with this??? It must give all children the creeps!)
Congratulations to Ronnie O'Sullivan, Snooker World Champion 2008!
I'm writing a cultural analysis on pissism (isn't that one very clever translation). And this is what the government funds through university and supports through student allowance. No wonder the entire university system is under threat of being funded solely by the private sector.
Before moving on with real problems feel free to see exactly how much of this questionable breed dwells within you at http://www.pissismi.org/?sivu=pissismi&alasivu=quiz. I turned out to actually be trainable with 17 percent of pissis.
"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is...
Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret.
It's you or me amplified.
If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it.
If you ever wished you could be a child forever..."
An excerpt from 'Girl, Interrupted'.
Okay, considering the smiley choice the following subject (depression and its medication) may not be the likeliest combination. But still, it works the best with my current mood.
I just saw an interesting documentary/science programme on Yle Teema by accident. It was about different drugs and their effect on the brain. Amongst the actual drugs, as in cocaine and caffeine, there was a part about anti-depressants. For your edification, let it be pointed out that I have been suggested having depression many a time since the age of fifteen, last time being last autumn by my doctor.
I have always declaned. Mainly it's been because of my alcoholic father who was in the habit of drinking to the point in which he couldn't even pass out and he assisted it by medicating himself by continuously overdosing sleeping pills. As it has been found that certain genes can make a person more likely to get addicted to any kind of drugs, be it alcohol or medication. I wasn't worried so much about the physical addiction but the psychological one, which I have early on learned can be even more devistating than its physical counterpart. As I have the alcoholism gene (see http://www.terveysportti.fi/xmedia/duo/duo91378.pdf) from both sides of my parents I have logically concluded that any long-lasting medication is not something I'm willing to do lightly as I'm genetically inclined to get addicted even though the medication itself was not particularly causing addiction to its users.
My second reason not to take anti-depressants is depression itself. I've always thought of it as a sign of one's weakness. That it's not a genuine illness as it's cause is not physical even though the consequences may be. This is where the documentary comes in. It suggested depression is [sic] not directly caused by an anatomical anomaly but that it does have a part in the facade. Depression is strongly connected to stress ans, according to the programme, some people are more inclined to get depression due to the fact [sic] that some specific part of those people's brains is not functioning properly. Thus, a depressed person is not weak as such but is lacking a physical part which makes the person more likely to become weak (and depressed).
Even though I still acknowledge the possibility of addiction, the use of anti-depressants has now become less strict. If a person's depression is caused by this physical anomaly, it is not repaired by the medication, the latter just does the job it would be able to do had it been functioning normally since the beginning. But a more effective way to treat depression would of course to do something about this stress-filled society of ours. This way the need for medication would go down as well (I assume...). It's like putting down the fire on one tree when the rest of the forest is burnt to the ground. And one can't possibly keep taking anti-depressants their whole life!
Guess who's been considering to take the offer of anti-depressants lately?
- - - - -
A depresssion test: http://www.tohtori.fi/?page=3459083
I scored 17. Nice..
- - - - -
Playing now:
'One Thousand Deaths' by Deathlike Silence. 'House on Haunted Hill' reminds me of a certain other thing we learned a while ago, don't you think:
"Two hundred years ago there lived a man well known
that man, he was firmly insane
He captured little kids and kept them in the binds
Those children died slowly in pain
At last they tracked him down and awful truth was found
To be buried alive was his doom
He spelled curse on the place that no-one can't efface
It'll last with the flowers on his tomb"
Can you imagine anyone living in Ybsstrasse 40 again?
