The Other World

I was reading by the church. There were so many students in overalls and caps walking past me that eventually I ended up following them to see where they were all going. Of course I had had my e-mail filled with messages advertising all possible events over the holidays the university's student union offers this year but I had not looked them anywhere near closely (or with enough interest) to remember what was happening and when. They were all gathering behind the court house. There were so many of them, in groups talking and laughing and drinking. Somewhere further away there was a van playing music (don't ask me what, I'm not the best person to guestimate the performes of latest disco pop bubblegumpink chart hits... X-Perience doesn't qualify for "latest" ;D). It's pretty sad when you think about it. Plenty of soon-to-be-acquaintances all over the place and what do I do? I walk past them knowing there's no point (not that I could know for sure if I never try) to join them as I'm not social but an absolutist (in Finland, those two are each other's opposites). To quote my beloved sister, I am a... "sosiaalinen perse".

- - - - -

You know, it finally dawned to me what exactly bugs me the most about this tutoring issue I have going on at the moment. It's not that I'm not a "real" tutor. It is that my sister is a tutor, too (a "real" one to add to that): I cannot go to the tutor social gatherings as I know for a fact she will be there. Why did she come here; all I wanted was a place where I wouldn't have to be burdened by my past and, if I chose to and *only* if I chose to, I could share the past and its selected parts to those I feel I can confine in. Now I have teachers asking me how my mother is doing even though I haven't told anyone at the university about anything else than my father's death.

As a more or less conscious result I was considering -for the first time ever while I've been living in this town- to move elsewhere. Alas, I have the university to finish... but there are plenty of people who don't live here and yet manage to complete courses. Why wouldn't I? Or how about taking a year off; working the year in that "some place else"? Well, to be honest, the "some place else" would have to be Turku. I do not want to move to Helsinki (..hrrr..) but Oulu is no improvement. To qoute Adams: BELGIUM!

- - - - -

Amidst the all too bright mood, "Dinner at Deviant's Palace" á la Cradle of Filth.

Kautta likaisten varpaitteni!

My mouth is literally open. And people tell me putting together jigsaw puzzles requires patience. Hardly.

Väinölä - http://nukketalo.vuodatus.net/ (seriously, look at the library!!!)
Tuohela - http://artturi.vuodatus.net/
Ellilä - http://www.pikkutalo.vuodatus.net/
Villa Helmi - http://marisa.vuodatus.net/

Below a picture of a couple of books and notes (and hangers) to be found somewhere in Ellilä. I am in an awe. The patience... oh, the patience!

Stupid day. Woke up on time, got the papers I needed on time, got to the Polytechnic on time, got compliments from my first aid teacher concerning my first aid technique, read one relatively boring book further and have now approximateöy forty pages left of it, anticipated our very first sexual health lecture, and was extremely disappointed. The teacher was nice and actually understood the diversity of sexuality but my classmates... they may have acknowledged the existence of the diversity but it most certainly did not show in their discussion. And me... I just sat there estranged from everyone else, feeling I have no part in their heteronormative ramble. I don't know the teacher well enough to even consider coming out to the entire class like that if I can't trust the teacher to come to my aid if things got out of control (as could be expected... I do not want ot be ever treated by any of my classmates... except S but he's gay).

Fuck. They all actually connected 'sexuality' with sex. There were people saying that if a person does not have sex they are less sexual than others having sex. I mean, come on!... Sex is just one way to express sexuality, not the other way around!!!

If you want to smile, keep reading.

Happened a month ago:
Once upon a time a young woman who looked astonisingly much like my sister was driving along the streets of K. A man saw her and -being such a bright middle-aged man- he decided to find out the name of the ravishing young woman and see if she would be willing to make closer acquaintance with him. So, he sent the register number of the young woman's car to the Vehicle Administration AKE (=ajoneuvohallintokeskus) and, behold, he had a name. But he was unaware of a problem awaiting to bloom: the car was registered to the young woman's mother. Soon, the mother received a puzzling -and not so coy- text message from an unknown man. The mother assumed the message was sent to a wrong number by accident but wanted to have some fun and sent the man a reply. After a few messages the situation dawned to the bright middle-aged man. He controlled his fast and prompt thumb from making more of a fool of himself. The mother had a good laugh as did the young woman when she arrived home and pretty much everyone else around at the time, me included. The end.

Happened an hour ago:
I come back from Balance and notice I have received a text message that read the following: "Evening. I hope I'm not interrupting anything but did you happen to be at J today at the second phase of the driving examination? Greetings, P.M. (the silver and grey BMW)". You can probably imagine the confusion spreading over my face. And then the situation became relatively clear and I phoned my sister inquiring if she had been to J today. She, in turn, sounded bewildered: how could I possibly know she had been there as she was supposed to take the second phase examination at K? The quotation of the above-mentioned message made her howl with laughter.

That's what you get for having a "ravishing young woman" as your younger sister. =)

"Ellei ole tunnetta fyysisestä eheydestä -- tapahtuu hyvin yksinkertainen, aivan liian tavanomainen ja todella pelottava asia: ihminen siirtyy epämääräisestä toiveestaan hoikistua hyökkäykseen omaa lihaansa vastaan. Hän ei enää näe kehoaan omanaan, arvokkaana, sellaisena joka kuljettaa häntä ympäriinsä, hoitaa ajattelun ja tuntemisen hänen puolestaan ja vaatii energialatauksen tehtyään tämän palvelksen. Sen sijaan hän alkaa nähdä ruumiinsa epämielyttävänä lisukkeena, syylänä joka pitää poistaa."

From 'Wasted - A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia' by Marya Hornbacher

I have a friend staying at my place for a couple of nights. Last time I saw her was some time during January. Then I didn't see her. Today I think I began to see her better. She ate ice cream for lunch and she ate ice cream for evening snack. She said she ate ice cream for breakfast, too. I thought of a quotation by Mikael Fogelholm asking why go through a diet eating nothing but cabbage for a month when you gain the same results (i.e. lose weight) by eating nothing but ice cream for a month. At this point I didn't yet think of the possibility of an eating disorder, at least not seriously. I went to the loo and paid attention to the lifted toilet seat since I obsessive-compulsively keep it closed and came to notice something pink floating at the edges of the water. It was strawberry ice cream she ate. But maybe she's feeling sick and I'm just going nuts over nothing.

This evening, after we had returned from our lecture she's here for, she stepped up to me after showering, said that she, too, has a secret (I am yet to figure out the meaning of the 'too') and showed me her arm she had burned when she was a kid. But I didn't see the scars. I saw the fragility of her arm, its sunken muscles and pale skin. I gazed at her arm but not at the scars but for the thought, the certainty, that I could wrap my one hand's fingers around her arm. She has always been skinny since I met her but not until tonight did I notice (or has something changed?) that her head seems quite out of proportion when compared to the rest of her.

We talked shortly about a book in my bookshelf, the one quoted above. She has mentioned it before, years ago when she told me the writer had died of a cardiac arrest caused by her eating disorder. I doubt that book is read by any other than someone who has experienced an eating disorder themselves, or know someone who has, or who deals with eating disorders in their profession, or -rarely- is conscious of the surrounding world.

Am I seeing not seeing the forest from the trees? Am I drawing conclusions from details and missing the bigger picture? What if she just likes ice cream like she says and this isn't her usual eating habit? What if she has anorexia, or bulimia, or both? What the hell am I supposed to do? What if I go saying something about my suspicions and offend her when nothing's really wrong? What if she lies to my face that everything's alright; I know people hide their eating disorders well? What if she *does* have an eating disorder? How the hell can her boyfriend NOT see it? What if he even encourages this behaviour?

What if???

My former godmother listened to my semi-serious debate with my grandfather about men and women after which she concluded I was a 'femakko'. I had never heard that particular word for a feminist yet. She introduced me to a band from Helsinki called Kitkerät Neitsyet. I have to admit that the name itself send shivers of horror down my spine immediately. Anyway, I decided to give it a try after reading some of their lyrics online (www.kitkeratneitsyet.fi) and today their album 'Paras pysyä kotona' was waiting for me when I arrived home. My current judgement: for a die-hard metal fan like me who is completely estranged from 'real' music like pop and jazz and such... well, I still like the lyrics but I can bear to listen to this only in small dosages. Musically it's like Ultra Bra, just a bit watered-down version of it, not as catchy, though. I like the lyrics if I ignore the small straight normativity present even though I have hard time stretching my (non-)sense of humour for them from time to time. Too bad some of the lyrics are written by a man. Tut tut.

Playing now:
'Feministirock' by Kitkerät Neitsyet

"Isät varokaa! Tyttäressänne voi piillä feministi!
Pojat varokaa! Tyttöystävästänne voi tulla…

Viattomasta leikkitoverista hiekkalaatikolla
voi kuoriutua kammottava femakko
pahaa aavistamatta linja-autossa
saatat istuutua sellaisen viereen.

Niitä on kaikkialla keskellämme
osa työkavereistasi voi olla niitä
sellainen voi olla takanasi kassajonossa
kiltti naapurisikin voi olla…
(feministiii-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii..)

Jos nainen ei saa kunnon panoa
hän voi alkaa kiinnostua yhteiskunnasta.

Siksi varokaa ja antakaa
tyttöystävälle mitä tarvitaan
jotta Suomi, kaunis Suomi, vaaralta ois turvassa
puhtaana on pidettävä Isänmaa!

Suomea kalvaa tauti
sen nimi on feminismi.

Kun mätäpaise puhkeaa
esiin ryömivät karvaiset naisasianaiset
ne haluavat lapsillesi pahaa
he ovat ihmiskunnan hylkytavaraa

He tahtovat miehet murskata
miehet ovat heille kuin rikkaruohoja
salaa pitävät outoja kokouksia
he juovat niissä miesten verta!

Niistä naisten tulis olla vain lesboja"
[Yes. Yes! OH YES!!!]
"ja jos vaimosi lakkaakin antamasta
tiedät että hänkin kantaa tätä kulkutautia
enää auttaa voi vain eutanasia!

Puolustautukaa! Joka kulman takana voi olla feministi!
Valmistautukaa! Varoitus on annettu!"

0900 – Consequentialism, anyone?

During the IT lecture I managed not only to do the required exercises and follow the teacher but also to whip up an excellent PowerPoint show for the philosophy lecture following the IT lecture. After the philosophy presentation the show was considered to be thorough and well-made.

1130 – <3

Fate isn't always a bitch. I was at the Polytechnic and went to its library to return the books I had used for the philosophy presentation instead of returning them before the philosophy lecture already as I had already written the presentation. There was only one person present when I walked in; would anybody like to guess who it might have been? Yes, oh yes... it was Her. Of all people who I could have expected to see there right then, it was Her. She looked a bit bewildered when She saw me there and, I assume, so did I. =) I was smiling for the next three or so hours because of this accidental meeting, throughout my meeting with the tattooist (I'm getting a new tattoo at the end of August) and the theatre guy whom I bought my theatre ticket from. Gods, She is so beautiful! She drives me near this sweet insanity.

1400 – "We apologise for the inconvenience."

For the past four weeks I have been working on a 10-page study of McDonald's according to the systemic-functional grammar with a pair (never met her before). We had a good, functioning division of work: we both wrote half of the theory section and we both analysed one text as was the assignment (the two texts requirement, that is). Yesterday I sent her my nearly completed part of the study, both the revised theory part as well as the analysis so that we can revise it when necessary and it'll be ready by tomorrow's deadline. As I returned to the university at two o'clock I find an e-mail, sent to me around midnight last night, waiting fro me. Let me freely translate its contents:

"Hiya! I've been kinda sick for the past week and I haven't had the time to look at the study that closely and I noticed that I don't think I'm gonna be able to write it by Friday (let alone even know how to write it). So I'm not gonna write the study at all. I hope this won't much inconvenience for you (I'll also notify the teacher about this change). You can use my theory part (it's included with this message) in your text if you like."

"Inconvenience? NO! Of course not! I only have to cancel everything I planned to do this evening AND tomorrow so I'll manage to hand the study in by the deadline as I have to read through your revised theory part, check every single little thing in it, make sure your information is thorough and accurate, check all the references so that I know they are correct and actually written by you, re-write the text you were so kind to give me permission to use as it IS my name on the cover of the paper, write the introduction and somehow extend the one text I have analysed in order to cover the mandatory three pages. I mean, it won't matter that there's only one text analysed from which the conclusions will be drawn from. It won't matter that the entire analysis is basically worthless as you can't draw even remotely reliable conclusion based on ONE analysis as with two I could have at least said if the other confirms or denies the conclusions of the first analysis. It won't matter that this pathetic, desperate piece of shit of an academic paper will only mark half of my entire final grade! Hope you're going to feel better by tonight when you're probably going clubbing with your friends. =)

Hugs and kisses, Splenetic"

II/I
"That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life; that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.

'YOU,' I said, 'a favourite with Mr. Rochester? YOU gifted with the power of pleasing him? YOU of importance to him in any way? Go! your folly sickens me.And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference--equivocal tokens shown by a gentleman of family and a man of the world to a dependent and a novice. How dared you? Poor stupid dupe!--Could not even self-interest make you wiser? You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last night?--Cover your face and be ashamed! He said something in praise of your eyes, did he? Blind puppy! Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed senselessness! It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior, who cannot possibly intend to marry her; and it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it; and, if discovered and responded to, must lead, ignis-fatus-like, into miry wilds whence there is no extrication.'"

II/II
"I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously arrived, green and strong! He made me love him without looking at me."

Extracts from 'Jane Eyre' by C. Brontë.

Okay, let us start with a newsflash: I applied for tutoring last week as a result of an e-mail from the student union prolonging the time to apply for tutoring as they did not have enough people volunteering for the forthcoming year. And so I did what I was already considering during the actual appliance time a couple of weeks earlier. I e-mailed with one of the people responsible for choosing and training the next "generation" of tutors, asking what they require from a tutor and what would "my" students be majoring in. As I am in the middle of a transition from my previous major to the next, they figured my future major subject would be the one I would be most qualified to tutor. I agreed and I already made an "essential links to a fresman" list *before* the interview (so technically I wasn't even a tutor at the moment and might not even become one).

The actual interview last Thursday went okay (despite my lack of knowledge of the current student union leader... :P). It also became clear no one before me had replied to their question of the favourite Moomin character being a Hattifattener (Hattivatti). By the time they found out I don't drink alcohol, there was a short silence followed by an expectant question whether or not I have a driver's license. There was a sonata of 'Damn it's to my negative reply. Someone even suggested the student union pay for my license. =)

Anyway, I got the results on Friday. My sister (also applied for tutoring and called me early when she got her results) became a tutor in the subject I thought I'd be tutoring. But as she said there were other tutoring that subject, I thought I could very well be one of them; I didn't stop to think too long about the fact that my sister would now be tutoring a subject she doesn't even have as her minor; basically she knows nothing about the department or its staff. I got my results a few hours later: I am now going to be a tutor for the students accepted in what is called "erillisvalinta". Mainly this consists of adult students who have families and jobs. My main -and only- duty is to guide them through the bureaucratic maze of the university and give them help in making their schedules with appointed programmes and such. My group will consist of all departments of the faculty. Therefore, I am supposed to help them through at least three departments I've never had any contact with. But the thing, the reason for the above existing smiley, is yet to come.

I know what most of people think: this is exactly what I'm made for. I don't drink and I'm not too social so guiding new students to the academic world from this point of view is perfect for me. I guess so but, you see, there's a catch. My main motivation for tutoring was to have a perfect excuse and company to go out, to socialise with other people, get to know them, to have a life that would actually include other humans. I suppose that, in some sense, I should have said that in the interview; it just sounded -and still does- too pathetic. Maybe I would have even ruined all my chances that second.

Fuck.

- - -
Now playing:
'The Sixth Extinction' by Ayreon.

It's a funny feeling... when something about you makes someone you really like smile... a smile that wouldn't have existed in that particular space and in that particular time if it wasn't for me. It's nice to be needed.