I dreamt about my father last night. This was the first time in a very long time, even before his death. In my dream he was alive; he had done something while he was drunk, something that had gone terribly wrong. The accident had resulted in my mother being in a very poor condition physically, possibly with plenty of broken bones or something. I put her laying on the grass and covered her with a blanket. At this point my father came from a house across the lawn, swaying and muttering something like he used to do when he was alive and drunk. He kept trying to go to my mother but I went to him and pushed him away, and the more he tried to go pass me, the more violently I kept pushing him away. Finally he limped away with crutches.
I woke up sweaty (mainly due to the imbearable heat). It was so weird: at one moment he was drunk in front of me, the next I'm awake and know that he will never be in front of me again, and I'm not sorry for that. He terrorised me ever since I was a child, now he will do that no more, ever again. I guess I could say I'm finally free to deal with my childhood. Writing a one-sided (i.e. negative) story about him won't psobably classify as grieving, but I don't care. I need to get this out of my system before it pollutes my mind for good and turns me into someone like him (although I already carry that likelihood in my genetic make-up in that alcoholism gene).
- - -
The Meme of the Day:
This one is for you, my father. I still hate you for what you made me. I'm not ready to forgive you for anything yet, but at the present time I feel that someday I'll be able to.
To my fucking drunk father, 'Six feet under the ground' by Deathlike silence. Bottoms up.
"Now it's gone, you're alone
Sleeping there on your own
Days gone by, slowly die
In the endless dream of time
Cloaced in the velvet of an endless night,
surrounded by your only friend, sweet silence.
You sleep at the end of the black rainbow
Six feet under the ground
Your sleep is death your dreams just a void
Your memories all gone with the wind
You lie deep down in the dark
Six feet under the ground"
