Started the summer job anxiety by searching for jobs at MOL. I mean, what the fuck.. it seems that every job requires a higher education or Polytechnic degree on that particular field. It appears I should be an electrician, a trained pedagogic, an economist in all of its branches, and an outgoing extrovert with a fabulous body, readiness to do pretty much anything or go anywhere anytime the emoployer wants me to, a fucking linguistic genius, not to mention that I should get along with everyone no matter how badly shit-for-brains they are, and I should also have a driver's license for the most common vehicles and a trucking card. In addition I should have about a thousand papers from hygeine to alcohol to criminal record.
FUUUUUUUUCCKK!!! What the fuck I'm supposed to do, huh?! Pretend in job interviews and when the trial's over (if I've managed that far) I'll blow my cover and reveal myself to be a fucking anti-social bitch without any kind of motivation? Yeah, except that I don't want to pretend. Why it's always me who has to change to fit what other people want me to be? Why won't others tolerate different people? It can't be that I'm the only one who can't manage with this precariat system, portfolio career? Right? So why do the others not acknowledge the existence of us less social people. Why should we be superhumans to compensate that one little thing? Why don't we get to be average like social people?
Can't sleep. Again. I want to go home, not stay here any longer. But no busses go until Monday. I'm not even sure my brother will take the offer of me paying him for driving me home.
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I don't remember if I've told about my mother's christmas arrangementsfor last night. She made us all go to a party thrown by her boyfriends family. Most of the participants were from his side and since my mother spends so much time with them... well, me and my siblings felt a bit out of place. Especially me. A small space packed with unfamiliar people... My sister tried to explain to me some social basics but failed... or I failed, whatever.
Yes, I do know the main themes what not to talk about but it leaves only the unimportant, mundane, stupid things to talk about.. for the sake of talking! That's the thing I don't understand. Why would I spend time and energy to talk about things that do not communicate anything to the other? If I wanted to get to know to someone, exactly what good does talking about where I go to school and what are my major and minor do? Nothing, in my opinion at least. Okay, perhaps it functions as an opening, a bridge to a more meaningful relationship. The problem with this, of course, is that I just don't care.
Another problem, as came very clear last night, is that I find out things I would not need to know. Because when people talk for the sake of talking and drink alcohol at the same time, they are bound to blurt out some things I find utterly unimportant, perhaps even slightly odd but not in the sense of being interesting. I do understand this combination let's people know more of others, also the awkward things, which in turn let's one make a more informative decision on whether one wants to get to know to the other better or not. My problem with this is the alcohol. I hated being there because everyone else drank alcohol and I really, really hate being surrounded by drunken people, especially in the evening, especially when I'm far from home, and especially when I can't get out on my own (the place was in the middle of the woods 25 kilometres from my mother's place).
To add to all of this, we all had to bring a present to one of the randomly selected guests. Obviously I hadn't even heard of most of them, so when I got the person's name, all I could think of was books. So a book it was: a popular science book, to be more specific. And the person it was addressed to? My mother's boyfriend's daughter's husband's sister. And she most certainly is no scientific knowledge fan. And she behaved like a bloody teen pissis. And looked like one, too.
And me? I got a bottle of "sparkling wine". I appreciate the thought and I can understand the motivation behind it (a Finn above 18 years old = drinks alcohol). I'm just having trouble deciding what to do with it. My sister suggested I put it on a shelf since it's a nice-looking bottle. Yes, it is, but... why would I put a wine bottle on display suggesting I like it when I most certainly do not? In fact, the thought of having alcohol in my apartment is appaling. Not because I would be tempted to drink it (hell no) but... I really don't need a constant reminder of my childhood. Besides, my absolutism is a handicap in Finland. If I say no when offered alcohol, there will be a wave of of 'why's. I'm not ashamed of my past which is the main cause for this but most people would be and therefore the situation would also turn negative. And gradually, I become a pariah, a weirdo, a social hazard in a way. Not fun. Some people seem to think I regard myself better than them because I don't drink. I really cannot express how wrong they are. I think of myself lesser than them because I can't drink alcohol. I would like to be able to take a glass of wine every now and then but I can't since I have a fucking genetic tendency toward alcoholism and my personality isn't helping either.
Fuck this. And fuck you, Dad!
Splenetic
"Tää on taas niin tätä."
Should get up at 6 a.m. to get to the bus station on time. It's now 2 a.m. and as writing usually requires conscious brain functions... Even if I fell asleep right now, I'd still be fucked up to some degree tomorrow. Why is it that when you know you have to get up early you just can't sleep?
EDIT at 3 a.m: Still awake. I'm going to so tired tomorrow...
EDIT at 4 a.m: Wanna guess? I suppose it's time for one of my notorius "wakey, wakey!" marathons again. Shit. This and caffeine to stay awake... a bad combo!
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Another thing I've been wondering for a couple of weeks now. Santa Claus. Why do parents reinforce their relationship to their children by lying to them for years? I mean, Santa as we know him is an American invention. Coca-Cola's invention, to be exact. It serves no other purpose than boosting their sales figures and since then all others have taken advantage on this, too. But why lie to kids? His sole purpose from the parental point of view is that he is some vague authority figure, a dictator, who decides if you've behaved good enough to have presents. Is it that parents play the god-card: shifting the responsibility to something imaginary being the kid doesn't get to question?
The way I see it, this holiday is about spending time with a family, preferably family of your choice (which is not my situation which in turn pisses me off even more than the holiday's commercialism...). This is a time when you give presents to those you care about (again, preferably...), to express the affection, the care, the friendliness. What the hell does a strange man has to do with any of this? Nothing. So why keep it up? Because it's a tradition, it's what has always (and I use the term loosely) been done. Seriously, if we were to do everything as before, we'd still be living in caves wondering if the twinkling lights in the night sky are gods' eyes watching everything we do... and shifting all the blame to them, of course.
And no, I have no bitter memories of the lie being revealed to me in some brutal way. I have no recollection of the time I thought he was real. Actually, my mother -when confronted with this question as a kid and even now!- keeps saying he's real (more or less seriously, I hope...). So as a result I ended up taking the autographs of the two Santas in two years and compared them to each other. Not the same (obviously, since the other Santa was my father's drinking buddy, and the other a friend of my mother's). And still she kept saying Santa's real. I doubt this is the fundamental cause of my trust issues but it sure doesn't help to build a trustful relationship between a parent and a child.
...Perhaps I'll watch 'Grinch'. I wish I had the Bad Santa film... so much nastier and thus funnier. Well, I'll have to settle for Thornton below.
Splenetic
1
This is exactly how I see the world being: first you compete to get to the wheel, then you manage to get rid of your competitors, and then the wheel just keeps going faster and faster until...
Positive news, for a change! During my -hopefully- final depressional season starting during summer 2007, I managed to kill my last surviving cactus. I think it died of draught... Anyway, now that I'm feeling better, I decided to give it another go. I have now a nice plate full of new spiky friends, of all sizes, all shapes and many colours (many of them have flowers: orange, red, pink, green, yellow... only blue ones are missing from the lot). I tried to put a picture of them with this post but I encountered technical problems with my cell phone's Bluetooth. I'll try again later.
Tieteentekijöiden liiton ja Professoriliiton yhteinen lausunto hallituksen suunnittelemasta tekijänoikeuslain muutoksesta:
"Tieteentekijöiden liitto on antanut 7.12. opetusministeriölle lausuntonsa hallituksen esityksestä tekijänoikeuslain muuttamiseksi. Liitto vastustaa esitystä ja pitää ehdotusta hyvin ongelmallisena ja epätasapuolisena. Ehdotus ei ole omiaan selkeyttämään oikeustilaa tai parantamaan oikeusvarmuutta, kuten ehdotuksen tavoitteena on ollut. Liitto katsoo, että lainsäädännössä tulee ottaa riittävästi huomioon yliopistoissa tapahtuva tieteellinen tutkimustyö ja siihen kuuluvat erityispiirteet. Tekijänoikeuksien siirtyminen kokonaisuudessaan yliopistoille ei voi missään tapauksessa olla pääsääntö, mikäli tieteen vapaus halutaan turvata. Liitto antoi yhdessä Professoriliiton kanssa asiasta tiedotteen jo tuoreeltaan samana päivänä kuin OPM:n ehdotus tuli julkisuuteen 4.11. Tekijänoikeuslain muutosta vastustava adressi löytyy sivustolta: www.adressit.com/allekirjoitukset/tekijanoikeus"
Eli ensiksi kokkareiden pitää pönkittää keskiluokan lompakkoa entisestään verovähennyksillä pienituloisten kustannuksella, sitten heikennetään väliin vähän työttömien ja pienituloisten sairausturvaa, ja koska yliopistolain muutos pakottaa tieteentekijät EK:n perseennuolijoiksi ei vielä riitä, otetaan kaikilta luovan työn tekijöiltä pois vielä tekijänoikeudet.
MITÄ VITTUA NÄMÄ PELLET TEKEVÄT?! KUKA SAATANA NIITÄ SINNE ÄÄNESTI?!
tuschman168 said it: "OMFG. It finally happened. I finally lost my ability to distinguish a parody from the real thing. Please someone tell me what this is. I can't tell anymore."
This is one of the comments on this YouTube video called "Just Say No to Sex": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn6mIK8G2Vc. The organisation is called College Students Against Sex. The name alone is hilarious. How can you be against sex? It's like saying I'm against gravity! There are things in this world you can get rid of and things you can't and every single person on the video is a living proof of that (though I suspect they try very hard to forget that...). But I seriously think all these people were paid A LOT of money to do this, because "Angela" most certainly is either implicitly against the idea or she's just a bad actor.. or a real college student against sex who just REALLY likes to be in front of the camera. Not to mention that party guy.. if you're reading this, for your edification, let it be noted that your heart is on the other side, kiddo.
Those of you who were adults when 9/11 took place: do you remember any censorship in radio playlists during the time following the event? I'm currently reading a book on music censorship at the present time and there is a chapter on censoring certain songs/bands from radio playlists. Lots of Beatles and AC/DC, also Metallica, System of a Down, Elton John, the whole Rage against the Machine opus censored... I was just wondering if any songs, that are usually played on air, were taken off. I tried to find playlists from September 2001 but, for instance, Radiomafia's playlists from that month were not there; August was there, October was there, but not September. I'll continue looking other stations' playlist archives.
Saw the documentary (why named 'documentary'?) last night by accident. What a nice idea! Good that they actually have death in the title, not some euphemism. Of course, that would be weird considering that the whole programme revolves around death. Minus points for the soundtrach: seriously, the only more stereotypical music choices would have been 'Gloomy Sunday' or Albinoni's 'Adagio'. If you missed the programme, go see it at Ruutu.fi (http://www.ruutu.fi/default.asp?videoID=791&vd=11&cc=1).
Anyway, ended up writing two lists last night. One for people I should apologise to and another for people I want to thank. The latter was substantially longer than the former. Now I just need to find the courage to say the things to the people on the lists. Perhaps I should begin with the least frightening person on the Thanks list: my eight and ninth grade maths teacher. At least I could do that via e-mail. :)
