It may beat out of habit, just because it still can. But that's all. My heart no longer motivates me to do anything: I just do things -go to the gym, write here, wake up- out of habit. I have no flame, no spark left.
I wish I could just leave. But would it change anything? The reasons behind my urge to leave, would they just come someplace else with me? Would the change of scenery change anything within myself?
What if I didn't leave. Or continue here. My only motivation, the one that keeps me going from one day to another, is routine. No, work. Going to work, earning my own income, securing my independence, that's my motivation. Or was, at least. Right now I don't feel I'm worth much, nor is anything I do. This world is not a bit better place for me having been in it, and I seriously doubt that is going to be any different in the future either. So why bother?
Today I forced myself to cook, for the first time in two weeks. For the past fourteen days I haven't eaten much. I haven't really even been hungry. Like nothing tastes anything anymore, or doing something is a huge accomplishment and requires me to force myself to do it. Last night I had trouble reading; even that didin't give me any satisfaction. I haven't been listening to Sonata Arctica whole week; even they can't make me feel better.
Why can't I just feel angry, if nothing else?
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The Meme of the Day:
The Gratitude Project. The idea is to name one thing you're grateful for each day. The blog I got this from connects the Project with the period of time between two religious holidays, but since I'm not religious I'll just take two weeks. For two weeks from today on (11th of August through 24th of August) I will name one thing I can feel even a little grateful for each day.
Day 1: I'm grateful for the existence of the magnificent band Sonata Arctica, who help me to survive this life until I'm free.
