The Other World

"No, I am not drunk. No, I am not stoned, either. I'm just feeling happy." This was my answer to a costudent of mine when she wondered why I was smiling all the time. Very Finnish for people to think I'm under the influence if I'm smiling in the middle of winter.

Actually, I'm smiling because of what happened yesterday. I've already mentioned in some of my previous entries the teacher whose company I enjoy (not in a sexual way, for the record). Last night I realised exactly how much I think of her as my mother. I was doing my homework, and she invited me to come and study in her office, to keep her company while she read a book. Sort of "let's be alone together" thing. Before I left at 8.30 p.m. we had an interesting conversation. Turned out we both like Paulo Coelho, and that she thinks my lesbianism is "cool" (a reaction that I thought wasn't even remotely plausible to expect). When I was walking home I cried; it was just such a relief to find out she doesn't resent me because of who I am but actually said it's good I have found a way to experience the ultimate feeling, love, be it in the arms of a lover or a loved one. Her approval means so much to me. She told me she's part of the Red Cross crisis unit that might be called, for instance, to an earthquake disaster area within 24 hours to help the victims. Or she might end up in the middle of a warzone and being shot at. I do hope that will never happen, I would be very worried about her. Funny, how I still keep learning the so-called normal human behaviour, thinking if it's okay to hug her if I really feel like it or not. I guess I just have to give it my best try and hope I won't do anything that would appear too friendly or something like that. I don't expect her to worry about me or think she's obliged to care for me just because I think of her as a substitute mother. I only hope she lets me to think this way.

Speaking of Paulo Coelho, I jus received my this month's "Warrior of the Light" entry (the online version can be found in www.paulocoelho.com, I recommend it to everyone). It's a blog written by Coelho himself. This entry discussed one of the seven deadly sins, lust. I have to say that it was the Church that created such a sin; of course you can have sex without emotions being involved but to me sex is sacred. Body and mind just cannot be separated.

Having a better day, today. Hopefully it'll last. Probably, since I have a lecture coming up, held by the teacher I find extreme joy to be around.

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I am now officially an X-phile (note the pun, please). I just finished the fourth season last night (and, of course, watched the one episode from the sixth season aired on Subtv). I am certain there's some elaborate conspiracy explaining the ending of Gethsemane, I just don't know it yet. I said once that I would wait at least until March before getting the fifth season but I'm not sure how I'll be able to cope with this itch I cannot scratch. Speaking of which, there was an interesting FX special on the extras called "XXX Mulder" telling about the inside/outside joke regarding Mulder's porn collection. I have to say that all the little trivial references to it made by Scully or Mulder himself are just hilarious.

"- Whatever you find in that VCR is not mine.
- Good, because I put it in the drawer with the other videos that are not yours."

I had a lecture with Her yesterday. I was on the verge of tears the whole time. Like there was something in my throat making me unable to breathe properly. And every look at Her, Her eyes or Her hair... everything made that something just expand and making it even harder for me to breathe. In the end I was nearly crying and ended up almost running out of the class room after the lecture was over. It hurts so much more than I thought it would, to be so close to Her and be confronted by the fact that she's out of my reach.

Right now I regret lending my copy of The Hours. I could use that story to reflect my feelings into and cry along with the women for the ignorant responses they get when showing their genuine feelings.

Even the mere memory of Her... seeing Her face right their in front of my eyes... it makes me so sad... now I'm really crying. I have to go home, maybe I'll feel better in a place that I find safe.

This is why I've been looking forward to winter all this time. It makes me happy. There's something magical about the faint blue firmament and the trees covered with ice twinkling in the sun light. And the same jewel-like gleam on the untouched snow fields... I was coming to the university when a friend of mine passed me. Even he ponted out that I'm apparently a winter person since I was almost hovering above the icy ground. He was just complaining about the coldness and how he can't wear his beloved T-shirts. Well, everybody likes different things.

Speaking of which... I got to redecorate my bedroom last night. There's three posters (actually, two of them are flags, if you prefer the presiceness) I've had on my wall for the past four years. I took all of them down and replaced them with three absolutely beautiful flags. My parents are not going to be too pleased once they realise all of them depict women, some of them wearing not so much. And now before you start thinking I've hanged softcore pictures on my wall, no; two of them are desinged by the Spanish artist Luis Royo and one is by Victoria Francés (also Spanish; and if I may add, ravishingly beautiful herself, like her ghost).

Since I'm so fond of them already, I wish to share them with you. The one next to my bed can be found here:
http://www.stuntman.fi/htm/tuotteet/liput/5427_iso.jpg
The two above my desk are these:
(on the left) http://www.stuntman.fi/htm/tuotteet/liput/5670_iso.jpg
(on the right) http://www.stuntman.fi/htm/tuotteet/liput/5672_iso.jpg

Post scriptum: The picture you see here is also by Victoria Francés. It distantly reminds me of Her (I'm turning into Alice...=D).

I heard yesterday from a friend I hadn't seen in a while that rumour has it I'm going to exchange to another school. He called his source "little birds". I can but wonder what has been pumped into those seeds to get a single bird suggest that I would be leaving the university. You're not going to get rid of me that easily. Especially now that I can see Her so often. And now that I have found a mother substitute (she's great!).

I should read about 150 pages of Jane Eyre till next Thursday, and yet another hundred pages of Hard Times till Friday. I would so badly want to forsake Brontë alltogether and concentrate on Charles Dickens. It's less depressing. Maybe I'll just type in the translation I have and do something else on Monday. No, that would be irresponsible.

Did you, by the way, notice the C.S.I. episode's movie references on Wednesday? What was Grissom's movie? What about Nick? I recognised Sara's right away; I love American Beauty! And Greg had Sin City; the red lips gave it all away. What is it with straight men and lesbian fantasies, anyway?

Okay, maybe I just do the research for the few details of the translation now and leave the typing till Monday.

She's so beautiful. If there is someone who's read this blog before you're probably tired of hearing this. But still... She's so ravishingly beautiful. I saw Her today. There were two others discussing The Canterbury Tales but when She came there I just... Well, let us quote Sappho here (emphasis on the beginning of the second verse):

Se kuuluu jumaliin se mies joka sinun kanssasi istuu
Joka kuulee sinun ihanan äänesi lähellä,
ja sinun naurusi
ja sinun lempesi
ja sinun rakkautesi
sinun
naurusi

Sydän säikähtää rinnassani Kun katson sinua en
mitenkään
saa ääntä suustani (Kun näen sinut äkkiä)
kieleni tärisee, tuli juoksee ihoni alla, en näe mitään
korvissa suhisee, hiki kohoaa pintaan,
paikkani vapisevat, olen
keltaisempi
kuin ruoho,
kohta kuin kuollut.

And Her voice... it's so enticing. Why I have to feel for someone I cannot have, even if I were better-looking and less psychotic?

Okay, I started writing this feeling good. Now I'm just sad. Penguins.... I need to think of couple of penguins slip-sliding on the ice. No one can possibly feel crumpy at the same when their thinking of penguins. Now I'm smiling again. She has a beautiful smile, too. It just radiates Her kindness, just like Her entire appearance. But if I recall correctly I've already written about this. Well, this is my blog, my realm. Grin and bear it. =)

Hello, hello, hello.

I just had a very interesting lecture of oral studies. When I first heard the teacher to say we actually have to talk to each other and do both verbal and non-verbal communication I was ready to call the whole thing off but it seems to me it'll be fine after all.

The teacher had us, for instance, to divide on two sides of the room based on which word we prefer of the word pair he gave. The class was pretty much in half when we chose between red and green (I chose green; one of my favorite colours), but when there were the pairs Saturday night vs. Sunday morning and Sun vs. Moon, I ended up in the minority. I prefer Sunday mornings because then I'm in no hurry and the combat class is also there to look forward to. Moon, on the other hand, reminds me of many things I hold important: the night sky and the Wiccan teacher I've mentioned earlier (she's become sort of a surrogate mother to me). The moon reminds me of Her, too. I can't even count the times I've stood on my balcony, listening to Sonata Arctica's My Selene (the Greek goddess of moon) and thought of Her.

I also saw a glimpse of Her today. It never ceases to amaze me exactly how passionate She is about the things She finds interesting and important; I mean, you can be in a complitely other room and just see Her through a window and that passion just radiates through everything and affects you as well. Or maybe it's just me. =)

Okay, I know I said in the previous entry that my Mondays are going to be busy but I was wrong. I got most of my work done during the weekend (I actually did some work in advance, God forbid). I'll be doing fine, and not get that burn out at the end of the term. But, now I have a little free time, so I'm going home eat my lunch and watch an X-Files episode as well. Then I'll come back for my History of English lectures.

Everyone have a nice day. Go outside and make a snow angle now that there is snow. I know I will.

A little recap of the first week of the spring term. My historical linguistics course's weekly exercise list makes me anxious. I know I don't have to do them all but I still feel I should because I have great respect towards that teacher and I, of course, want to live up to her expectations.

My translations course is about to drive me insane; the teacher wants to have the translations printed every week and, naturally, this makes my Mondays very busy, trying to check every little detail and write the final version as well. Not to mention the phonetics course. The teacher of which is by the way funny; the Finnish verb 'vaahdota' attains whole new levels with him by the end of the lecture.

Luckily my Wednesdays are, for the time being, free. I can concentrate on the assignments from the previous week then. Thursdays are again filled with action. Starting with English litarature (I still have no idea what's all the fuss around him [the teacher, that is] about). Later that day, we have more lectures of another aspect of English literature. We have to read two books for the course and I'm running out of time. The day was finished yesterday with academic writing lectures.

Today I had a course, which requires a presentation (my group's subject being Modern English literature, my luck, that's my cup of tea) and reading two books. I'm not too partial to Hard Times but I can't wait to get my hands on Toni Morrison's Sula. My favorite by her is The Bluest Eye, but I also liked Beloved. And what I've read about Sula, I'm going to enjoy that as well. But that's not until two months from now.

By the end of this term I will know the true meaning of burn-out. And I have to find that bloody summer job, too.

Addendum on 15. of January: I was apparently very anxious since I had lots of spelling mistakes in this.

Hello, people!

Long time, no see. I've had absolutely no access to a computer until now that my school officially started its spring term. And it wouldn't have been particularly cheerful either since I had to spend Christmas time at home. When I was sitting on the bus on my way there before Christmas my only thought was that I'd been convicted for a crime I didn't do for four days without chance to appeal. It went pretty much the way I expected: going from one day to another thinking whether my father is A) drunk with his face all scratched for stumbling on the ground, B) in a terrible hang-over, C) in a state of mild disability to stand up with his eyes all hazy, or D) all of the above in one day. And people actually wonder why I don't drink.

- - -

Well, here's something more cheerful: the term started today!!!!! (all the exclamation marks against all my teachers' punctuation advice) Now I'm back amongst my peers once more. I can't believe the fall term came and went already. My life passes me by too fast! But then again, despite all the worries about finding a job for summer, I'm going to see Her almost every week somewhat regularly! And it's almost one year anniversary since I came to recognise my feelings for Her. Anniversary... Am I pathetic or really, truely, bluely pathetic?

- - -

Did you, by any chance, see the Quandraints meteor shower on fifth? I had absolutely no idea of any meteor shower until I was on my way to combat class and got almost hit by a car (I was crossing the road when I saw the first and clearest meteor of the evening; ended up stopping right in the middle of the driveway in amazement).

- - -

Okay, time to go get my lecture exercises for next week. I should be writing the analysis for play, too. The whole analysis makes me miserable (does that sound like something I might have said before?; in case I've complained about a certain prose analysis let it be noted that I managed to get the highest mark out of that one. I rule!). Well, I guess I'm just going to have to balance my misery with Famke Janssen and the L word tonight.