This has been a terrible day, and I'm growing more and more concerned about my health now that I actually have got an appointment to the feared gynaecologist. But if this what I found today really is something, instead of something I just haven't noticed before... then that one month to the gynaecologist appointment is far too long. I just have to check this thing every day and if it changes in any way... I have to come up with something. I really don't want to go to the public sector when the worry concerns my genitalia, but there is no way I get an emergency appointment to any of the private sector gynaecologist, either.
I'm beginning to suspect that now, a month afterwards, the emotional stress caused by my father's death is starting to come tumbling down on me. I've been moody the entire day, even gone as far as thinking about suicide, and now I just want to go to bed, go to sleep. I've been like this before, sleeping as much as the circumstances allow me to sleep, sometimes up to fifteen hours. I didn't see it then but now I am quite sure I was depressed.
I should have more friends. Someone living close to me that I could confide in, no matter how tiny the thing causing me anxiety, someone to give me a hug when I'm feeling down like this. But it's my fault I don't have a friend. I'm just not easy enough.
Splenetic
I got a text message a while ago:
"Toivo jotain...
Älä lue kauemmas ennenkuin olet toivonut!
Sano ääneen toivomuksesi...
Taivaan keijut tulevat luoksesi ja antavat sinun toteuttaa toiveesi jos lähetät tämän viestin parhaimmille ystäville joille haluat kaikkea hyvää. Jos et lähetä viidelle, toiveesi tapahtuu päin vastoin."
Save the three grammatical mistakes, the contents of this message can be described with one word: cruel. Unless those heavenly fairies work for phone companies (which I doubt) there is no way no religion mankind has ever invented promotes the ailment of a kind person. Whoever came up with this chain message very obviously has an assumption that the wish people make concerns themselves. But what if it doesn't? Mine didn't.
I went to see the new Harry Potter earlier tonight. I don't know... maybe after yesterday everything seems disappointing. The movie wasn't in and of itself a disappointment since I didn't expect much (curiously enough, I've had alot of other things to fill my mind with), but the result... the film just didn't stir up much emotions in me. Luna Lovegood was the only one interesting (I realised I sometimes behave *exactly* like her), especially since they had cut Alan Rickman and Snape to the minimum. Well, as a consolation I know for a fact they can't do that with the sixth movie, (warning - spoilers) after all Snape is the half-blood Prince (spoilers end here). I think the movie was good, some of the filmographic solutions very neat (such as using the Daily Prophet as means of sewing together small yet relevant details) but at the end of the day it didn't make my heart leap.
I left my bike in front of the movie theatre perfectly aware that amidst all the Saturday night fever some yahoo might steal it. As I came out of the theatre I was half-ecpecting Argo (I named it after Xena's horse) to be gone. It was there, to be sure, but the front tyre was entirely empty. Now I have to get it fixed. I have all the required theoretical knowledge to change the inner tyre myself but unfortunately it is the outer part of the tyre that is broken: the hole in it is visible to the eye. Well, doesn't really matter, I don't have all the equipment to fix it. Maybe I could inherit my father's toolbox; I have to ask my mother tomorrow (or, technically, today), they might have emptied the house and given it to someone else. Anyway, I need to go to some bike place to get it fixed on Monday, which means that I have to walk to work and back for several days: an hour per side. Lovely. Hopefully there is no heat wave about to strike the coast, or a thunder storm for that matter.
Damn it. What is it about braking bottles on the street? Does it inflict one's manhood in a way I cannot understand? Why men have to compensate their lack of self-confidence with destruction? Why? Talking about a Y chromosome.
Yours truly,
The half-blood (potentional) psychopath
It was amazing! Words are just not enough to describe the way I felt! It was just... AAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Have you ever seen pictures or video clips of people in some Christian get-togethers to start shaking and talking gibberish once they've been touched by a priest, and they believe that the holy spirit has entered them? I've always thought it has all been a show, something they acted to appear dyed-in-the-wool Christian in front of others. Now I'm not so sure. I believe I was close to that kind of experience today. I just cannot describe it sufficiently, words just aren't enough to do that.
I arrived in front of the stage half an hour before Sonata Arctica started and got a place in the second row. As it turned out, I wasn't the only one wearing an Sonata Arctica shirt. I think I saw every possible variation available on the web during the time I spent at the festival area. Anyway, as the started with 'In black and white' I was already getting very... positively edgy, in the lack of a better word. I kept singing aloud (although my voice very much drowned in all the others voices mingled with each other. After 'Victoria's secret' (yes, Wanderer, that one) they played, unexpectedly, 'Caleb'; I've grown to connect it with my father due to my own interpretation of the lyrics that I reflect greatly through my childhood. I kept singing the lyrics so loud I thought I would discover to have lost my voice althogether once I would try to speak. During 'Caleb'... okay, it might have been partially due to the smoke effects and the sudden explosions and the smoke following them that made me feel a little dizzy, but I am dead sure it was mainly a genuine physical reaction to the music and the whole event; Sonata Arctica has been a very important companion to me since I discovered the band and there I was, standing not five metres away from them, hearing them play live the songs which all carry some special, personal meaning to me, singing them with Tony right there, knowing he can see me too, see that I know all the lyrics by heart (literally, I should say), move with my eyes closed to the music despite the rain... this could be heaven. I kept having trouble breathing and occasionally I was actually worried I might faint. Once or twice a thought crossed my mind: I thought I would really die right there, feeling atmost happiness, something I've never felt before.
Afterwards one of my fellow English students had a chat with me. He said he had been standing behind me on my right, so that he had had a clear view to me most of the time Sonata Arctica was playing. He said I looked like I was in flames.
I think I was, and hopefully I will be some day again.
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The approximate track list (for the reason described above I may remember the exact order wrong, but let's forgive that)
1. In black and white
2. Paid in full
3. Victoria's secret
4. Caleb
5. FullMoon
6. Tallulah
7. Black sheep
8. It won't fade
9. Don't say a word
10. The cage
Perhaps they will play the full Caleb-trilogy some time.
Well, not really. It just happens to be raining and in about two hours I'll be waiting for Sonata Arctica to begin their show in Rockperry. At least I get to go home and get changed into something less wet within twenty minutes when I decide to do so. But since I'm there I could go see some other bands, too. Amorphis, Poisonblack and The 69 Eyes maybe. Amorphis for sure, they begin after seven. We'll see.
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As I told in the previous entry I got accepted to study the nursing degree at the Polytechnic. On Wednesday I got the actual paper version with all the papers I need to fill in and hand in during the first day on 27th of August (nice, nine luxurious days for a summer holiday...). Anyway, among these questionnaires there was a more accurate division of all my points that helped me to get in. It appears that I got almost the maximum from my marticulation exam grades, almost maximum from the literary and mathematical tests we did during the entrance exam, but very little from the psychological test. Now I left a message for the psychologist to get more detailed information of my results.
Nice... what if I got accepted only because my overall points forced them to accept me, not because I would really "make a wonderful nurse"? I need to know the reasons behind the poor score of the psych test before I take the offered place officially; if they don't think I'm fit for a nurse or that I have some really bad obstacles otherwise that prevent me from becoming a good, professional and reliable nurse? There might be someone lining up a place that got a higher score from the psych test.
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The Meme of the Day:
Since it it Friday the 13th (enjoy, the next won't be until in June 2008), I wanted to enlighten you with different phobias and their complex names. Here (http://www.phobialist.com) is a somewhat elaborate list of different phobias. Below a few examples I found interesting for one reason or another, the object of the fear in parentheses.
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (the number 666)
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (long words; *evil grin*)
Nucleomituphobia (nuclear weapons)
Paraskavedekatriaphobia (Friday the 13th)
Venustraphobia (beautiful women; what?!)
"Candy girl
You're my world
You look so sweet
You're a special treat
WHOA!
Candy girl
All I want to say
When you're with me
You brighten up my day..."
You are currently reading the blog of as soon-to-be-nurse! I got accepted to the Polytechnic! Now begins the timetable struggles to complete the few courses in the university I have left before getting my Bachelor's Thesis papers out (I wrote the bloody thing a year ago). I think my current primary interest is undoubtedly the Polytechnic. Yay! I ROCK!!!
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The Meme of the Day:
At the present time I am in the middle of an X-Files marathon (three days and s i x t e e n episodes...). I have an inner battle in which I'm trying to decide which character I'm most like. I used this quiz (http://www.quizilla.com/users/ElvenAgain/quizzes/Which%20X%20Files%20character%20are%20you?/) to give me a little guidelines to determine the matter. It says I'm most like Mulder; "You are Fox Mulder. You're very intelligent, but also quite gullible. You're an annoyance to your superiors, a joke to your peers, they call you 'Spooky'. But not to worry, you'll show them all in the end!". I was actually expecting the picture of Nicholas Lea pop up on the screen.
The weather forecast said it should begin to thunder in a few hours and continue 'til next evening. Mmmm... bodycombat with sound effects and now also with light effects. Nice! Let us hope for some really frequent flashes of light!
- - -
After finding out about the chronic disease of someone I know, I was forced to face my own health status. I spent about half an hour last night thinking about whether or not to defy my irrational fear of gynaegologist and go see one. I'm getting closer to the age when the frequent pap tests would allow the detection of cervical cancer in its early stage when there still would be a lot to be done about it.
The problem is I've never been to a gynaecologist and I really wouldn't want to. The mere idea of a strange woman doing something around my intimate parts and pushing some cold, metallic objects inside of me in bright light... yack. My doctor once managed to talk me into seeing a gynaecologist due to my very irregular periods; I ended up calling my doctor two days before the appointment, begging her to tell me I don't have to do the gynaecological examination amidst all my crying (for real) and sobbing. I was absolutely terrified of the idea, and very anxious even when I entered the office of the gynaecologist.
Technically I wouldn't even need to get a pap test. In most cases of cervical cancer the human papillomavirus HPV has been present. But HPV is a sexually transmitted virus (mainly; all my sources, however, systematically left out the *other* possible sources of infection). This is why it is recommended to get the pap smear annually tested after starting your sex life. But I don't have a sex life. And if I continue not having one I could avoid going to a gynaecologist.
I'm tired. I'm tired physically, and I'm tired mentally. I'm tired of my life as it is. I should be content: I have a great summer job, I no longer have to worry about my father's alcoholism, I study at a university and soon hopefully also in a polytechnic institute. And yet I caught myself today at work thinking through all the arrangements required to get out. To take all the money I have in the beginning of September, unofficially change my name once I get to my destination (for once my difficult name would prove useful), and take off to another country where my past isn't constantly haunting behind me whether I want it to or not. Just to take a cab and on the way to the airport just stop quickly at the police station to notify that I'm leaving on my own free will and that I wish not to be found until I decide to contact someone myself.
I suppose my mother would try to find me at first; out of habit, I guess, or because that is what is expected of her. But not because she would really miss me, not for real. After a couple of months she would get used to it, having a daughter who's not there. But really, deep down, no-one would really miss me. It would probably take several days until anyone would bother to check up on me, and that person would be my boss wanting to officially tell me never to show my ugly face at work again. And otherwise? I have no friends. No-one would cry after me because they would really want me to be there. Nice going, Me.
I need a break. I want my life to stay the same for.. I don't know, a few days. Nobody dies, nobody's born, nobody moves, nobody tries to kill themselves, nobody insinuates that what they told me about a month ago might actually be a lie, nobody disturbs my daily routines in even a slightest way. Why can't I have that? I've been through enough for quite a while.
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The Meme of the Day:
My sun has set down
I dream to flee
As I suffer "the black" bleed into me
I regret every single day I ever lived in my life
I gave all I had in me
So it's time to say Goodbye
My sun has set down
It has ceased to be
The lightning that once burned in me
I regret every single day I ever lived in my life
I gave all I had in me
So it's time to say Goodbye
'Farewell' by Sentenced.
What if I've given all I have in me?
Splenetic
It is a great feeling when you realise you have the ability to surprise yourself. I discovered this ability in me earlier today. I have a co-worker who speaks Swedish as her first language and isn't very fluent in Finnish, whereas the case is the opposite with me. But despite this we need to communicate. For a while I considered using English as a lingua franca but overcame my fear of making myself sound a total ass (somewhat difficult after yesterday, however...) trying to utter something with my crappy Swedish: I spoke to her in Swedish and was understood! And not once but twice!
After my feeble drawing attempts I moved to a place I knew it would be likely to meet or at least see Her. I spend my time fo a while, and near nine p.m. I decide She's not going to go by. I start walking and what happens: She comes towards me cycling. And what do I do? I act like a fucking child, a teenager, and pretend to begin to wipe my eyeglasses. I pretended to wipe my glasses! For two weeks I hadn't seen Her at all (and I would have actually had something to say to Her) but when I unexpectedly see Her, I pretend to wipe my fucking glasses!!!
