The Other World

Can you believe it; I actually have T W O jobs to choose from. Wau! The other I already accepted, the pay is better but doesn't quite cross the income limit set by the damn Social Insurance Institution. Why do they have to meddle with the amount of money students make during those summer months when most of us are *not* getting any kind monetary support from them?

Anyway, I'm still thinking of the cleaning company where I had a job interview today. I only had to fill in this basic questionnaire with personal information etc. and as I handed it back they said they had already decided to offer me a place. That was very unusual! Furthermore, they said they would call me tomorrow to let me know what kind of job they've thought of giving me. Now I'm wondering whether to risk burnout by having two jobs; the other for week days, the other for weekends. Maybe I should just thank them politely for the unusual attitude they showed towards me by being ready to offer me a job just like that, but that I have had another job offer that fits my life situation better, and that maybe they would be willing to bear me in mind next summer when my employment becomes again more topical. Yes, that sounds good.

I can't believe I actually get to choose between two jobs and that neither of those has absolutely *nothing* to do with telemarketing!

- - -

I had a drink with Wanderer today. I can’t but return to what I said last Friday after the coffee with M; nothing is nicer than to have a nice, seemingly simple chat gradually becoming a profound discussion with someone whose company I enjoy. Wanderer said something I don’t quite agree with; she perceives my attitude towards life as weary. But really, I think I am actually really, truly, bluely pretty positive if not, fact forbid, downright optimistic.

Afterwards I went for a long walk; I realised I haven’t really done that in quite a while. And so I set forth a journey by the sea along a path I hadn’t used before, passing the school whose location had always been slightly vague to me as well as the court house –or court castle more like, as it seems to me. I also encountered someone I hadn’t seen for almost two years. When I saw him cycling at me I recognised him (we used to work in the same place) but didn’t expect him to remember me. The smirk spreading across his face proved me wrong. He actually nicknamed me as Tellu during those three months. The mystery remains why, since it doesn’t exactly resemble my given name; maybe he thought I’m like the namesake in Peanuts. I am willing to admit the presence of certain similar personality traits.

- - -

I wasn’t very mean today; I found three CDs on sale; ‘Are you dead yet?’ by Children of Bodom, ‘Silence’ by Sonata Arctica (I’ve been looking for this for ages; thank the gods for happenstance!) and ‘Fatal design’ by Entwine. Currently I’m listening to the latter; I think I’m in love with ‘Chameleon Halo’.

"All lies entwined around your soul
In your chameleon halo
It's all in your head but it's not your role
You've got to get away from the dark

You are the rising thunder
Deep inside you hold a violent scene
You are hate's creation
But what you really are it depends on you"

Once I got home from the walk I had to acknowledge the fact that my CD tower just ran out of space. Now I have to start either taking some of them away or to improvise another place for all of them. Well, my roommate just moved out so I guess I could take that bookcase from her former room, and put it in better use. I just have to re-arrange my room to have enough space for it. The couch is the perfect place to read during the days but sometimes I feel it’s a bit on my way.

- - -

The Meme of the Day:
See if you qualify as a real citizen according to the scientific and infallible http://www.realcitizen.info/fi/index.php, which describes my inner citizen thus:

"Tieteellinen 39%
Kansalaiset osaavat ratkaista ongelmat, kunhan käytettävissä on tarpeeksi tutkittua ja luotettavaa tietoa. Vaikeuksia ei tuota tiedon puuttuminen, vaan sen runsaus. Tiedon määrä on kasvanut niin suureksi ja tietoa tarjotaan enemmän kuin kukaan ehtii sitä vastaanottamaan. Siksi kunnon kansalainen ottaakin selvää, mistä tieto on peräisin ja mikä on sen tarkoitus.

Sosiaalinen 33%
Tämän päivän yhteisöllisyys perustuu ihmisten henkilökohtaisiin valintoihin. Kansalaiset ovat viime kädessä itse vastuussa omista valinnoistaan. Siksi kunnon kansalaisen tulee pyrkiä ajattelemaan ja toimimaan mahdollisimman itsenäisesti. Mahdollisuus valita tarkoittaa myös suurempaa vastuuta ja toisten huomioon ottamista omassa toiminnassaan.

Poliittinen 28%
Yhteisistä asioista päättäminen on kansalaisen oikeus ja velvollisuus. Vaikeatkin ristiriidat on tuotava julkiseen keskusteluun. Kunnon kansalaisena olet huolissasi siitä, että päätöksenteko on keskittymässä tavallisen ihmisen ulottumattomiin talouselämän ja poliittisen eliitin käsiin. Tästä huolimatta uskot siihen, että kansalaisaktivismi ei ole menettänyt merkitystä."

I was trying to watch "K-PAX", but I just couldn't concentrate. My mind kept wondering around the inevitable, the day Wanderer leaves. Most of the time I am consciously trying to avoid thinking of it, but I am not, fortunately maybe, able to keep control all the time. The emptiness I am about to feel... it makes me so sad, and anxious. But how can I resist it? It is bound to come on my way some day. I don't think I've been able to apply the words on my wrist on anyone else apart from myself before. At this moment I wish I could believe in some kind of an afterlife. Maybe this is why people cling to their religion so badly, to have this commonly accepted self-deceit to rely on when reality cuts too deep, when they cannot bear something without having a hope, no matter how feeble, to comfort them. I wish I had it. But inside of me there is nothing.

What a weather! The winds resemble those of the circle number two of Dante's Inferno in their fierceness, and then it starts raining like never before. By the time I got back home from my educational field trip (the show really was great; I actually ran out of time!) to a local museum I was thoroughly, utterly soaked. Now I'm cold. Let's hope I won't get a flu as a result of today's weather, I still have two exams coming up.

Now I'll start cooking lasagne and then I'll continue with Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë; I still find boring but less now that I know the general outline due to watching the TV version of it that was aired about a month or two ago. And I get extra motivation out of the fact that once I finish it and pass the exam for which I'm reading the damn thing I don't have to think of it until next year when I'll sell it to the first person I know needs it with a remarkably low price just to get rid of it. Some student will be happy next year (and yes, I'm sure someone's going to need it because it's been the course book for at least the last thirteen years; one of my teachers said she had to read it for that course, too).

Let's think: I just watched "The Phantom of the Opera", I've been feeling there is nothing I couldn't do most of the day, and just a moment ago I was standing on my balcony staring up to the clouds and caressing the engraving in my snake ring. Guess what I'm listening at the moment? I actually had this feeling that I hadn't thought of Her... well, s p o k e n of Her here for a long time. Then I checked and realised I just mentioned Her four days ago. As said, time is an illusion.

"I'm gonna run to you,
I'm gonna come to you,
I wanna find you in everything I do..."

Roxette: Run to you

There was a time, not long ago, when I had reached a level of some sanity and realism. This lapse, however, was only temporary. I still want Her, even though I'm far more conscious of the impossibility of this all. Why is it so difficult to let go? Why can't I open myself to other women? Why I can only think of Her in this way, with the will to do almost anything for Her?

I should stop writing about this, it's like throwing gasoline on a flame. Or maybe I shouldn't; my mother has definitely proved that things don't go away just by ignoring them.

Damn it.

- - -

"Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived life can be loved alone"

(insert an exited scream here)

- - -

I've got a summer job! I've got a summer job! Happy! Happy! Happy! I just found out an hour ago. Can you believe it?! I already had a job interview for Monday but I guess it's now somewhat useless, since on Monday I will also be going to Adecco to sign the contract and going through all the details. I RULE!

- - -

The day's been very good otherwise, too. After our very last NALC lecture (where I appeared late; seems to be something I do every single final lecture of the term every year) I went to have coffee with M. I've mentioned her before: she's the one to say she's not coming on to me but has to come closer in order to see the blackboard behind a very misplaced column in the lecture room. We talked over an hour; I don't think I've ever really understood the satisfaction one can get from simple human interaction. I've been living under the stone for far too long. And I'm not even planning on returning there just yet; the museum week is currently going on, and I decided to go to the local museum tomorrow. Why is it that when you go abroad the first thing most people do is to go to a museum but never bother to see what a building about a ten-minute walk away can offer? Anyway, the shaman show is what draws me there, and the series of underwater photographs. Too bad the films were shown on Wednesday, it would have been interesting to see a documentary of volcanoes. Why we never watched nature documentaries at school? Well, at least we have YLE. Which reminds me... I have to remember to pay the TV license bill once I finish this. And then I’ll start watching the latest version of “The Phantom of the Opera” on DVD; it’s been too long.

I also have to remember to invest to a bike. It takes close to an hour per side to my future work place, and I don't think it would make me jump out of mere joy (like today at the church's park when I found out I got the job) to walk in a literally breathtaking summer heat with a heavy bag for an hour on my way to work or back home. And with my first paycheque I'll be getting new shoes; the ones I wear at the gym are getting... well, in a while they'll probably look so very happy once they're torn asunder after some Combat class.

- - -

I, by the way, allowed myself to pay a visit to Suomalainen, again. I went there to get Frida Kahlo's biography. In addition to that pocket book, I found a book I bought *only* for the cover and the fact that, when I opened it up from a random page, the first word to catch my eye was "dragon". Might have something to do with my dream last night in which I tried to catch a red dragon (and no, I doubt this includes any kind of subconscious reference to Thomas Harris or William Blake). The book is cover in dark green velvet, in a similar way as the Nightwish book is. It's written by Debi Gliori and is called "Magiaa mennen tullen". It also has a nice Nessie silhouette on the cover. It's a fantasy book I found from the children's section; I think I'll like it.

What is it, by the way, that some people in the staff offer their help without asking? I don't know, maybe I spent too much time there, or perhaps I looked otherwise suspicious. Well, if his goal was to drive me out quickly, then congratulations, it worked. I just wish I had asked him why he thought I needed help. Hell, I go there so often one would think they all recognise me by now and know I always go through the entire store even if I had already found whatever I came there for in the first place. Impulse shopping, people; besides, it pays *your* paycheque, so stop harassing the customers, especially me! If I need I'll ask myself, end of story, goodbye, the end.

- - -

The Meme of the Day (although something tells me I’ll be blogging again later):
Mikä on henkitraktorisi? From http://www.rikos.net/quiz4.htm

“Henkitraktorisi on Valmet!

Sinua varjelee Valmet-traktorin henki. Tämän henkitraktorin suojelemia henkilöitä pidetään joskus synkkinä ja vaikeina, vaikka todellisuudessa he vain haluavat yksinkertaisesti pitää puolensa tässä kylmässä maailmassa. Asennetta ja sarkasmia löytyy vaikka muille jaettavaksi, mutta ystävistään ja rakkaimmistaan he pitävät hyvää huolta.”

A goofy meme for a goofy day. Grin and bear it, baby!

Last night, somewhere between one and two, my aunt finally had her first child. She gave birth without aenesthetics because many other kids had decided to get out expolre the world last night as well, and there was quite a pandemonium with shortage in the staff. Maybe it has something to do with the full moon ("... and he's not a man anymooooore...") on Wednesday. Anyway, they're both okay and now the next suspenseful event will be the announcement of the girl's name.

Yay, I'm a cousin for the fourth time! And this time the kid actually lives close enough for me to watch her grow, maybe even affect her somehow. And learn to be around babies (and no, that baby fever of mine hasn't yet worn off).

I have got to share this with you! This is so funny, and deliberating. Go and share your problems to Herr Doktor Klik at http://www4.hs.fi/psyykkikone/psykobotti.html. Have fun!

Below I put some excerpts of my half an hour discussion with the wannabe-Freud.

- - -

- Mistä muistisi katkeileminen saattaisi mielestäsi johtua?
- Mietitäänpäs… hmm.. kas kummaa, en muista.

- Olet kovin negatiivinen. Milloin olit viimeksi yhdynnässä ja oliko se nautinnollista?
- Aha, sitä ollaan Freudin koulukuntaa. Ensinnäkin, "yhdyntä" on liian heterokeskeinen sana lesbolle. Toiseksi, seksi tai sen vähyys eivät välttämättä korreloi negatiivisuuden kanssa. Vaikka kesällä on paljon hukkumiskuolemia ja kesällä syödään paljon jäätelöä, jäätelön syönti on harvoin syynä yhteenkään hukkumiskuolemaan.

- Et kuulosta kovin varmalta.
- Nicht verstanden.

- Miten sanoisit tunteesi toisin sanoin?
- Vituttaa.

- Ihminen voi kasvaa vain kivun ja tuskan kautta. Millä tavalla sinä olet kasvanut ihmisenä?
- Minulla on tatuointeja, dysmenorrea ja lippu Tuskafestareille.

- Oletko aivan ehdottoman varma?
- Aikuisten oikeesti.

- Tuo tunteesi asioiden ennaltaelämisestä on tässä yhteydessä mielenkiintoinen. Mikä on varhaisin seksuaalinen muistikuvasi?
- "Tunteeni asioiden ennaltaelämisestä"? Ilmiötä kutsutaan deja vu –nimellä, kultapieni. Ja taas sitä lipsutaan Freudin ajatusmalliin. No, todennäköisesti se liittyy jollain tapaa masturbaatioon. Tiesitkö muuten, että kyseinen termi tulee latinan sanoista "manus" (suomeksi siis "käsi") ja "stuprare" ("liata, saastuttaa")?
- Mitä arvelet sen kertovan sinusta itsestäsi?
- Se, että tiedän masturbaation etymologian, kertoo mitä alaa opiskelen yliopistossa.

You know what?! Velcra will publish a new album at the end of May! I can't believe I actually have managed not to hear about this until now. Oh, poor Teacher G, "Hadal" comes out the day prior to his exam on 31st. Well, too bad. A new album! YEEHA!!!

http://www.velcra.com/ - the cover of 'Hadal'.
http://www.myspace.com/velcra/ - the rest.

- - -

"I'm the slap from your loving father's hand
a mindless order you can't understand
I'm the pleasure that causes a lethal addiction
craving turned into a destructive conviction
I'm the friend who betrayed your trust
the sentence that proved the world is unjust
I'm the rumour that spreads when you're lacking defense
the final revelation that stole your innocence"

From 'Shine for me' from 'The Consequences of Disobedience'

When I woke up this morning... okay, at noon... I was determined to use this one day off from school well. I decided to wash my landry, vacuum the entire apartment (apart from my roommate's room, that's out of my control), wash the floors, wash the windows (!), dust my bookcase and other surfaces, cook lasagne, clean up the bathroom and hang the laundry for drying.

And what have I done? I ate breakfast, and have been in and out of the computer ever since, mainly updating my 'to-be-read' book list (which, by now, has quite an extensive number of LGBT publications) and made my neighbours extremely happy by listening metal (Linkin park, Metallica, Dimmu Borgir) throughout those hours, loud.

Well, I did make the bed. What an accomplishment.

- - -

The Meme of the Day:
What be your nerd type?
http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_be_your_nerd_type

I scored as a Literature Nerd.

”Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.”

If there is an unexpected gap in blogging it is very likely due to me being held under custody by the authorities in blue.

Today the exchange student I've mentioned before did something I am very much *not* willing to grin and bear. He kept kissing my cheecks and touching me (including my breast!) even though I was very clearly almost shouting "stop" and "no", and pushing him away. On Monday he (again) told me he loved me, and replied my question of "in what way" by saying it's "God's love". What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Anyway, if he e v e r mistakes to do that again I will not shout, I will punch him; an action that might get me under both arrest and a psychological evaluation. I don't care about the possible cultural differences; I find his actions uncomfortable and it is my right no to tolerate them and tell him so (with a modest proposal to fuck off because staying around me would be unhealthy).