The Other World

Yesterday as I was walking towards the centre to go home from school, three of my classmates -still having a couple of lectures left- were smoking in front of the school's front door that I passed on my way. As I walked towards them, I saw one of them, V, look at my way and say "Hello, goodlooking!". And what do I do? I must have had a very bewildered look on my face and then I glanced behind me because (I swear) I really did expect someone else, V's friend perhaps, to be walking behind me. I had to confirm she was talking to me by asking, "what? Me?". All four of us bursted out laughing and the title is what V said to me as we were cathing our breath again.

Yes, my self-esteem is excellent. Sky-rocketing. According to my therapist I have a self-esteem of steele when it comes to certain things but no self-esteem at all in others (as in yesterday).

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I've been studying for an exam I have coming up this Saturday. I found one thing I found interesting I want to share with you: my favourite word 'kalmisto' was replaced by its synonym, luutarha, which was invented by Agricola in the 16th century. And lest someone knows Kaija Koo: the person to invent love would have been Elias Lönnrot.

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Z has become Voltti. I was at a loss with the name at first but I kinda like it, even though it isn't as explicitly gay as I would like it to be.

It's really good we have a magazine of our own. There are plenty of people out there who are denied that one channel of unification.

We have something to be proud of, and all the thanks to those who make the magazine. Jag tackar och pockar!

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I got God of War II yesterday. I've been playing it only for a while but I have to admit, the soundtrack keeps blowing me away. And the beginning... the introduction is so well made it looks like a movie and then all of a sudden Kratos is throwing in the middle of a combat with the statue of Colosseus peeping through the window wondering when would be the time to attack Kratos when he/player least expects it.

And now I have to find some virtual game guide to tell me what the hell I have to do once inside Colosseus's head.

By the way, for a better look at the picture below of Kratos and Colosseus, see http://cgchannel.com/forum/viewthread?thread=25767. The art work in the game really is incredible. Too bad the third one is for PSP. =P

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Playing now:
'Until I die' by September.

So, we got to get a taste of the forthcoming (sometime in March, I believe) BodyCombat programme number 35. We did the warm-ups and the fourth 'Jump' song. I also managed to twist my ankle nicely at some point; it's still a bit sore but since it didn't actually come that close to spreading I think it'll be fine by tomorrow's boxing and Balance. But the new programme seems choreographic enough. It'll take a while to learn it by heart; the current release was pretty simple. And if we are to believe what my instructor is saying... well, I'm guessing my shirt will be soaked after the first round of 35 in its entirity (is that a real word?). Hehee... can't wait.

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Also did a nice, big snow angel on the campus snow earlier today. Had to sign it with a hand print and initials. Maybe it'll cheer someone up tomorrow morning; perhaps it will still be there (instead of the sun melting it) when She walks past. =)

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Playing now:
'Hunter' by 30 Seconds to Mars. Originally by Björk, but this version isn't that bad. Not bad at all.

I wonder... where exactly does the problem lie? The Polytechnic's communication sucks big time. The time tables are not updated online but instead all classroom and time changes are made either through hear'n'say or e-mail (usually several different teachers posting on the same change from different point of views...). Now that I would have an exam tomorrow, I have no idea where it is or when even though I've been trying to track it down for two days. The teacher in question very kindly replied my message on the matter but did not answer to either of those questions. So I guess I won't be having an exam tomorrow unless I turn out to be in the right place at the right time by chance.

Well, I hope it's not at eight a.m. I spent the entire evening at school until the janitor came to kick me and two others out at 8 p.m., resulting in my leaving my memory stick to the IT class. Problem is that it has, for instance, a 12-page essay in it. I, of course, don't have a copy of it. Nice... I don't use the stick a lot because I keep forgetting it all the time, and I keep forgetting it all the time because I don't use the stick a lot... I'll be posting in front of the IT class from 7.30 a.m. tomorrow, hoping some kind soul with a key will let me in to get it before someone else does. Hopefully I'll be able to get my arse to Polytechnic on time.

Belgium... how thick can I get?!

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Playing now:
'Destination departure' by Tristania.

In the room in which we normally have our Combat classes is filled with toddlers during the hour before our class begins. I usually get there early, and I get the dubious pleasure to see them run from the class to the nursery. This time I made an alarming observation; apart from one, ALL girls were dressed in something pink or lacey or pink *and* lacey. All the boys, on the other hand, were wearing perfectly normal clothing.

What does this tell to the girls? That you must be wearing a certain thing and behave in a certain way in order to be accepted? That being yourself isn't enough? That there's no going outside without having to put on a show or a role of some kind?

What does this tell to the boys? It's okay to be themselves.

... fuck this patriarchal society!!!

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Playing:
'The Heart of Everything' by Within Temptation.

What a wonderful day! Excellent even!

The body composition analysis I had this morning at the gym. I had not only achieved my January goal but actually almost doubled it. Okay, so the loss wasn't actually to be seen in the overall weight due to my body -for reasons unknown- gathering as much fluid as I've lost fat but still. I achieved what I aimed for. Could be worse. And besides, the fluid gathering should be temporary; I'll count on that.

Later the same day: I know this isn't much but it sent me to the seventh heaven when I greeted Her, not the other way around. I can't believe it, I've never talked to Her so that I would have been the one to start it. Hmm... if only you could see this smirk on my face. A cat who has just eaten a canary bird, anyone?

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Now playing:
'Cry for the Moon' by Epica.

How much can a person change in three years?

A lot. At least I can. Today I just did something that would have been completely and utterly out of the question, say the three years ago. I went to Combat and during the last song before the abs and the stretching, the instructor walked among us selecting some of those wearing similar colours as she to go up on the stage (she does that). Well, technically her shirt was dark green as I pointed out but she still got me go up on the stage despite my black shirt. The view is wholly different than I imagined. And six people on the stage makes it crowded, as I also learned. Nonetheless, a nice experience; I don't even care how I looked or if I did the strikes 100% correctly.

Too bad She missed the miracle. =) That would have made the day's third phase fantastic had I seen Her.

Jesus... I'm like a bloody bomb ready to go off sometimes. The day started off so nicely: no hurry in the morning, lovely weather outside, listening to Deathlike SIlnece on my way to school, solving a source problem for the dying patient presentation, and discovering I had a four out of one of the most difficult courses (and knowing I got a four after only two hours I spent reading to the exam the previous night). Then, I manage to cut my hand (no push-ups for me tonight at Combat) and went to the public health nurse to get something to fix myself up and walking to the right classroom for the next scheduled class only to learn they had started it while I was waiting in vain for the nurse to show up, and waiting until the rest of the class came outside saying the lecture was finished already. I left, immediately.

I don't know what's wrong with me. One moment everything's fine, the next something small and ordinary happens and I act like it's the end of the world. I mean, mix-ups happen all the time and it's not a disaster. But why do I act like it is?

"Brick by brick we built this tower of illusion
But instead of completion
it has come tumbling down!"
'Solar red' by Velcra.

I just got home from the gym. My favourite instructor has been on a vacation for the past two weeks and she just came back this morning. Now, as I went to Pump, I wasn't expecting to see her there but there she was. And the miracle... as she came to collect my paper (a small piece of paper with the name of the class, my name, time etc.) I actually touched her shoulder, without doing my usual let's-think-this-through-so-I-won't-make-a-complete-fool-out-of-myself-oh-the-moment-passed-already, and said it's nice to have her back and that I had started missing her.

Fact forbid, am I becoming .. *shivers*.. extroverted???

And, hurrayh, my muscles aren't aching anywhere near much as on Saturday even though I used exactly the same weights as then (more weights in one song even!). Can't wait for the Combat class tomorrow. I get to let out all the pressure my meeting the therapist tomorrow.

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Now playing:
'Beyond the Invisible' by Enigma. I heard this song once on TV. It was used as a background song for a performance by the Finnish ice-skaters Susanna Rahkamo and Petri Kokko. The song kept going on in my head occasionally for years; then, by acciddent, I found out the song a few years back.

It's funny; having a song pop in your head one morning, a song you haven't thought about or heard for ages, and then later the same day you hear it from the radio or something.

I saw Her today. She looked gorgeous in that flaming red shirt, with Her long hair coming down Her back, revealing Her beautiful face...

For a few days I thought -perfectly seriously albeit obviously naïvely- that I was finally making some progress: I was able imagine myself making love to someone else than Her. Now... I can't do that anymore without feeling the other is merely a substitute, just a warm body with an inadequate mind compared to Her.

Someone once said that clinging to an impossible love like this is selfish. I couldn't understand how this is selfish; it isn't my duty to be in a relationship with anyone. But why can't I move on?

Ouch...