When I woke up this morning... okay, at noon... I was determined to use this one day off from school well. I decided to wash my landry, vacuum the entire apartment (apart from my roommate's room, that's out of my control), wash the floors, wash the windows (!), dust my bookcase and other surfaces, cook lasagne, clean up the bathroom and hang the laundry for drying.
And what have I done? I ate breakfast, and have been in and out of the computer ever since, mainly updating my 'to-be-read' book list (which, by now, has quite an extensive number of LGBT publications) and made my neighbours extremely happy by listening metal (Linkin park, Metallica, Dimmu Borgir) throughout those hours, loud.
”Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.”
If there is an unexpected gap in blogging it is very likely due to me being held under custody by the authorities in blue.
Today the exchange student I've mentioned before did something I am very much *not* willing to grin and bear. He kept kissing my cheecks and touching me (including my breast!) even though I was very clearly almost shouting "stop" and "no", and pushing him away. On Monday he (again) told me he loved me, and replied my question of "in what way" by saying it's "God's love". What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Anyway, if he e v e r mistakes to do that again I will not shout, I will punch him; an action that might get me under both arrest and a psychological evaluation. I don't care about the possible cultural differences; I find his actions uncomfortable and it is my right no to tolerate them and tell him so (with a modest proposal to fuck off because staying around me would be unhealthy).
I was walking home from the university this evening and as I went by the sea I noticed two strikingly white swans floating along the waves called forth by the fierce wind. They were so beautiful; the other one looked a little queer because his left foot looked like it was stuck between the body and the wing. He flapped it every now and then, like trying if it would meet the water. For a while I was worried he might have had an accident instead of just a landing gone temporarily wrong but then they took off and flew -literally- to the sunset. This was one of those moments when it is so easy to understand why swans were considered holy; that is what they are. I don’t know if anyone’s ever proven or unproven the tale that swans start singing as they sense their own death drawing closer, but I think it’s true; only those worthy of it will hear it.
"Nuo hetket syntymästä kuolemaan
Kun silmäluomiin heijastuu
Saa toiset uskomaan kai Jumalaan,
Toiset Saatanaan, tai mihin vaan
Muttei kuitenkaan tähän maailmaan."
- - -
When I opened my e-mail this morning I noticed two interesting mails from two different places with almost exactly the same message.
"Valitettavasti valintamme ei tällä kertaa kohdistunut sinuun."
"Valitettavasti valinta ei kohdistunut tällä kertaa sinuun."
Well, at least the latter bothered to notify me this year. The previous two years they have completely ignored me. Maybe the pile of complaints on their nepotistic method of selecting employees has finally reached the roof, and they are trying to clean it up by giving an impression they have actually read my application and considered me for the jobs available. And for your edification, this nepotism complaint isn’t something I’ve made up in my bitter and angry mood. One of the biggest newspapers (if not *the* biggest newspaper) in the county actually wrote an article on this matter a couple of years back; it has existed for ages and they still let it exist and there is nothing the common toad can do about it. Well, let us hope the job interview from last Wednesday will bear some fruit before long.
- - -
I got a link to a certain blog that was kind enough to enlighten us of the existence of a Mary Jane action doll (Spiderman’s other half, remember?). What a weird word combination, if you ask me… "Doll" is the word, but "action"? That piece of plastic is the corporeal statement of something Simone de Beauvoir said in "The Second Sex": women are not supposed to be subjective but objective. And that is exactly what Mary Jane is. I wonder how Kirsten Dunst reacted to this one and whether she could see herself in it. Well, see for yourself at http://devildoll.livejournal.com/750924.html.
NOTE BENE! Do *not* comment!!! The writer has already had more than enough comments on the matter and it is highly unlikely anyone on the face of this poor planet is able to add anything new or even provocative to the discussion that hasn’t already been said.
I scored as a Dedicated Reader; "You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more."
Well, at least it would be less bad, if not exactly better.
“When I’m making love with her/when I’m making love too hard…”
My interpretation of “The Big L.” by Roxette.
- - -
Helou, helou, helou.
Earlier this evening I had my first taste of the new Combat programme and I just have to say that Number 32 is great! And this is a lot coming from me, who usually deeply dislikes every single new programme, be it in Combat or Pump or some other. I can’t wait to go through the entire programme, today we did most of the Number 32, which seemed to be shorter, but said goodbye to the previous programme by stretching with “Hero”. She was there, too. I’m not completely sure why but not once did I think of touching or kissing Her (even though she looked so amazing in that scarlet shirt of Hers…). Maybe it was because I am finally making some progress (hardly…), maybe I was just so preoccupied with the new choreography that I ignored pretty much everything else but the instructor.
- - -
I should be writing an essay. The topic is just so incredibly unchallenging that I find myself lacking the motivation to be next to nothing. Perhaps the whole point of this particular assignment is to test our ability to do things that are beyond our abilities, things that offer no possibilities to improvise or to be creative. Well, as far as I’m concerned this essay is quite an understatement for an AS level paper. But duck’s got to do what duck’s got to do; I’ll just have to write it, hand it in and hope I managed to squeeze in something even remotely original, on the linguistic level at least if nothing else.
- - -
To get a proper closure for the Eurovision Song Contest. My favourites ended up somewhere between Finland and the Top 5; I have to confess that Serbia wasn’t one of the ones I voted for. Actually, at first I took the vocalist for a somewhat feminine-looking man with a pair of Andre Wickström glasses. Shame on me! Once I figured out the singer is a she, my interest towards the song started rising; after all, the message sounds quite different when it's a woman singing, simultaneously surrounded by women. And as I was reading Scherzo’s blog a while ago, it turned out I’m not the only one to sense some serious underlying lesbianism in “Molitva”. It’s nice, though, to have the winner song sung in some other language than English. Maybe Britain could try out a song in Welsh next year. That would be very nice, if you ask me. And besides, it couldn't possibly be any worse; did Ireland actually give Britain seven points? Not to mention than one anynomous country rewarding the lewd cabin crew with 12 points. To be honest, even Poland's S/M performance was better compared to Great Britain. Hmm... Something tells me the teacher G will hear about this next week, eventually, in a form of a cheap left side cheek or a pun. “Or would you, perhaps, like to begin this lecture by flying the flag for us?”
- - -
The Meme of the Day:
"Molitva"
Ni oka da sklopim,
postelja prazna tera san,
a život se topi
i nestaje brzo, k'o dlanom o dlan.
K'o razum da gubim,
jer stvarnost i ne primeæujem,
još uvek te ljubim,
još uvek ti slepo verujem.
K'o luda, ne znam kuda,
ljubavi se nove bojim,
a dane, žive rane,
više ne brojim.
Molitva, kao žar na mojim usnama je,
molitva, mesto reèi samo ime tvoje.
(I) Nebo zna, kao ja,
koliko puta sam ponovila,
to nebo zna, baš kao ja,
da je ime tvoje moja jedina
molitva.
Al Bogu ne mogu
lagati sve dok se molim,
a lažem ako kažemda te ne volim.
"Prayer"
I'm wide awake
An empty bed drives my dreams away
Life melts like ice
Disappears in the twinkling of an eye
I'm losing my mind,
Pushing reality out of sight
Our lips are touching softly
You're the one I believe blindly
I walk around like crazy
Falling in love frightens me
Days are like wounds
Countless and hard to get through
Prayer...
It burns my sore lips like a fire
Prayer...
Thy name is something I admire
Heaven knows just as well as I do
So many times I have cried over you
Heaven knows just as well as I do
I pray and live only for you
I can't lie to God
as I kneel down and pray
You're the love of my life
That's the only thing I can say
Marija Šerifovic
- - -
Volim te, S. (And to those who are prone to make hasty assumptions, S does not refer to "Šerifovic".)
After close to 45 minutes of Eurovision semifinals I am ready to shut down the TV and go to bed. I mean, it's not bad but it's not particularly heart-stopping either. Why do all the songs have to be about love and from exactly the same aspect of love?
The Netherlands have a nice singer, I'll give them that. But that's pretty much all I get out of this thing; to see the mid-section that depict Finland and good-looking women. Speaking of which... ever since Wanderer's comment to go and have a drink with K I've been thinking of her. Thus, I've come to the situation in which I think I can declare independence from Her, finally, after sixteen months. K is actually nice and definitely my type. In other words, she's academic and has long dark hair =).
Okay, the contest became just far more interesting with Denmark. What do you think the reception would be like if a drag queen was to be one of the candidates to represent Finland in the actual Eurovision song contest? Whatever it might be, I will give my vote to Denmark, even the song was alright and cheered me up. Nice job, DQ!
- - -
Slovenia, whom I voted for, is performing in the finals in the seventh place. Bulgaria, whom I also for, is the 21st to perform on Saturday. Okay, Moldova got the last place in the finals. Alas, Denmark did not get there. Too bad, I actually liked the song as much as watching the show.
See you on Saturday then. I must confess, Hanna’s song sounds more and more appealing amongst most of the other finalists, which tend to be very much alike. So go Hanna!
- - -
The Meme of the Day:
Thanks to DQ I started thinking of how feminine I actually am, since there are two events in my entire life I am willing to wear a dress in public. Lately there has been other things labelling me as non-feminine woman (despite the somewhat disturbing comment that I am “kaunis tyttö”; I think it’s the girl part I find so annoying). So, to assure my womanhood I took Seta’s test on your gender. I have to say that the test relies greatly on gender stereotypes; after all, one isn’t born but made a woman (de Beauvoir said that, in case there is someone who didn’t know that already). The test contains plenty of questions that, in my opinion, do not correlate with your gender or sex; there are men to whom make-up suits. But how does fantasies of walking around naked has to do with gender, isn’t it more of a question of sexuality?
“ Sinussa on melko paljon sekä feminiinistä naista että maskuliinista miestä. Olet sukupuolisesti hyvin harmoninen. Mieheytesi ja naiseutesi ovat tasapainossa keskenään, eikä kumpikaan puolesi hallitse persoonaasi toisen kustannuksella.
Olet sukupuolishoppailija! Tiedostat sukupuolijärjestelmän olemassaolon, sukupuoliroolit ja odotukset kriittisestikin. Et juurikaan välitä näihin odotuksiin vastaamisesta, vaan käyttäydyt melko sukupuolivapaasti. Olet sukupuolen suhteen melko itsevarma. Sinusta on luontevaa toteuttaa itseäsi sekä miehisten että naisellisten puoliesi kautta.
Tulet hyvin toimeen miesten, naisten ja sukupuolineutraalienkin kanssa, koska et itsekään ole niin kaukana näistä muista sukupuoliryhmistä.”
In addition, I got 12 masculinity points and 8 femininity points.
- - -
Post scriptum: the Eurovision fever has turned into an actual, 37.1 fever. Hopefully it’ll wear off during the night, I have lectures to attend tomorrow.
"Alone I stand, alone I fall"
"Little waves softly replace the air that I breath"
Velcra: Solar red
- - -
Can't sleep. Again. For once I got myself to bed before midnight and what do I do: roll around until I get up to take a pain killer for my seemingly ever-growing menstrual pain. But instead of going back to bed I decided to check the notes of the lecture I missed due to the job interview from the web ("It'll only take five minutes"... that was over an hour ago). But did I do that? No, I ended up reading Druusi's every single blogging so far through. I never really realised you're Wiccan, like Wanderer. Funny, during one year I have gone from thorough ignorance into actually knowing two Wiccans (well, as you can know someone by merely reading their blog, that is).
I'm listening Velcra's debut album "Consequences of Disobedience" first time for a very long time. And it's a very long time; during the intro of "Can't stop fighting" I actually thought there's something wrong with the CD, because it sounded like it jammed. I examined the bottom of the CD for a while until I realised that m a y b e it's actually supposed to sound like that. The two peas do not meet.
”You are Head of Security Michael Garibaldi. You work too hard, party too hard, fight too hard, and you just love annoying people. But basically you're not a bad guy, and you're tremendously loyal.”
I had a job interview a couple of hours ago. I think I did pretty well, actually; even though the place was open and the whole room could hear what I was saying, it didn't bother me. I even managed to score above average in every single one of the tests I had to do (they tested my fingers and eye-hand co-ordination due to the job I'm applying). It was really like putting together an industrial version of a jigsaw puzzle. I would like a job like that.
- - -
Well, I suppose my good mood is first and foremost due to a year-old to-be-idol. Before the interview I went to see E, who started the same year at the university, with H (I'm really not that fond of this initials business but I'm far too lazy to come up with nicknames I'll use once or twice). Anyway, E got married about two years ago, and just had her second child, whom we went to see. The baby was asleep the entire time we were there, but the first-born, the "one-year-old to-be-idol" was everything else but shy. Quite a performer, actually: at on epoint she was singing to us (of what, that I don't know). I found her so adorable; after the slightly stiff start she began staring at me, then coming closer and closer to me, and finally, as we were sitting by the table drinking tea, she sat there next to me and kept looking at me and talking to me and laughing (with me or at me, I know not). Either way, the mere thought of her makes me smile and laugh. I think my child-o-meter is skyrocketing again (for a while, at least).
It’s nice to find out you can surprise yourself. E has really made me get rid of the prejudices of conservative Laestadianism my parents so willingly fed to me when I was a child. We have no problems interacting even though I’m gay atheist with tattoos and a fixation on popular music and television. She’s really great! I’ve never met her husband, though, but I don’t think he’s so bad as I first thought he might be (prejudices again).
The farewell party didn't feel like farewell at all. Actually it was quite joyous (even to a dyed-in-the-wool withdrawing person like me). She was there, too. I was explaining something to A at the moment she crossed the threshold and stepped into the room, but the second I acknowledged Her presence I completely lost the thread of my thought.
It was pretty interesting, though, to notice that I *can* be social if I just want to and the circumstances are right. I chatted with A in the beginning and continued with K, when she arrived, even though I didn't even know her. By the time most people had left, and only me, K, VS, and Wanderer were left, we arranged the room back as it is in its usual function as the staff coffee room. VS mentioned her plans for the evening; Wanderer suggested that K and I should go to a nearby bar to have a drink and continue talking. I may be misinterpreting, but to me the look she gave me as she said it... well, I'm prone to think of it as a somewhat transparent attempt to push me closer to K. Or then I'm imagining things. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Anyway, we departed after we got outside the university building; she had a party to attend to. I continued my journey with VS. She said W considers her as a sort of a daughter; I felt very envious, to tell you the truth. It also appears that the teacher G is actually even weirder than I've noticed him to be. Some of the comments were slightly inappropriate, but I suppose an Oxford graduate can behave in a little odd way; after all, there's a very fine line between insanity and genius. Speaking of Oxford graduates, I got my term paper back from my other Oxford inmate teacher. He happened to return to his office as I was going through the papers to find mine. I got a four (which slightly annoyed me), but it was soon replaced by pride. He assumed I was a first-year student but after I corrected him (that I'm actually a third-year student and only minoring in English), he told me my English is "excellent". Someone who has studied at Oxford told me I have excellent English! YEEHA!
Another, not-so-excellent grade was also a four; it seems to me that there has been some kind of a confusion in communication, in one way or another. She has, I assume, mistaken LaVey’s "The Satanic Bible" as the alleged sixth and seventh books of Moses, also known as "The Black Bible", which are obviously two completely different things. I don’t know what "The Black Bible" is like and I don’t even care because that is *not* the theoretical foundation of my essay! Although clearing this confusion will not increase my grade, I’ll clear it out anyway.
Now, I may be the first to use LaVeyn Satanism as the basis of an essay, but something tells me I won’t be the last. So, to clear out the path for them (and maybe a little bit motivated by the possibility of Her close, albeit temporary, proximity). But anyway, even though my grade remains the same, I’ll feel better knowing that I have settled the score of my essay when it’s been graded based on the correct source material. She was very obviously grading it from the point of view of a Christian, and more importantly from the assumption that *I* had intended to present the Stranger from the Christian point of view (which I, in my opinion, very clearly was not!). I base this astute assessment of mine on the comment "but of course Satan and his principles are much older than Anton LaVey’s interpretation of them". Could you possibly enlighten the ignorant and tell me what exactly are Satan’s principles? And the comment "to return to the origin of 'evil'"… at no point did I state that the Stranger was evil. The mere idea is quite ridiculous; I rarely use words like "evil", "normal" or "unnatural" without thinking it through three times and consciously deciding that really is the word I want to use. And finally, if I were to "look for -- authoritative sources on Satan" "The Satanic Bible" would still be on my list. The trick is that I wasn’t trying to find an authoritative source on Satan but on LaVeyn Satanism, and TSB is *the* most authoritative book there is!
Yours truly screwed up one question out of ten. Ah well. I, by the way, absorb a nickname for the teacher who uses that phrase frequently ("Ah, well"): Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. One guy said at the farewell party the teacher seems to suffer from the syndrome named after Stevenson's characters. I cannot disagree; to me he has always been nice and patient and is in a habit to talk with me whenever I happen to be at the Spot, but I was present at the lecture where he replied with a very angry answer to a perfectly reasonable question. The one to ask the question said she felt a little frightened of him then; I think the whole class was more or less looking out for an explosion from him. I know I did, because for a while he sounded like my father. Hence, Jekyll/Hyde; at one moment a well-behaving yet oddish professor, the next moment causing waves of fear sweep over the class room. I like the Stevenson short stories, though, so in a twisted way this is actually a compliment.
Tomorrow is Wanderer’s farewell party, although she’s not actually leaving (for good) until somewhere around 20th of May. I was planning to put my origami folding skills to use. Everyone’s going to bring some kind of flowers to her, as will I, but with a hint of originality; I’m going to fold nine origami lilies, one for each month I’ve known her). I was thinking of using yellow and orange paper: now, all I need to do is to get up early enough in the morning to go and get that paper, come back home and start folding. Hey, maybe I’ll get my hands on a piece cellophane in which to wrap them.
- - -
I just saw Rihanna's new video. It definitely took my breath away. Apart from the housemaid part in the middle that music video is visually more pleasing to my eye than any other video so far this year. I like that slightly dark blue imaginary combined with sparks and water as contrast. Hell, the song itself isn't that bad; the chorus is at the moment still going on in my head. That's how I like Rihanna's voice the best: low. Extra points for ditching Jay-Z in the beginning, the rest being devoted to Rihanna herself (who actually managed to keep a reasonable amount of clothes on, and she looks stunning!). The metallic paint is superb! How can anyone sing of umbrellas without sounding just downright ridiculous? Rihanna can (unless it's of course some kind of a euphemism I don't know to something less appropriate).
Wau. That's all I can say anymore. I likey!
- - -
John Higgins is now the Snooker World Champion 2007. Mark Selby actually managed to give Higgins back earlier today, but in the end Higgins got himself together and beat the psych pressure caused by Selby's temporary catch-up. Pretty impressive from Selby, though. Last year he was ranked, if I recall correctly, 28th. Now he'll be coming up quite nicely. And I suppose the about hundred thousand he got from being the second best in the world offer some consolation.
So far as I predicted (alongside pretty much most of the watchers, I presume) that Higgins is dominating the finals. After the 15th frame Selby gave up, and tomorrow we'll continue from a situation in which Higgins is pressing with 11 frames to Selby's four.
- - -
Today (or over an hour ago) was Freud's birthday. I once saw a documentary on YLE saying that he had actually done something quite irresponsible and desperate; he came to the conclusion that neuroses are caused by child molestation. So far tolerable, but he used this theory to explain his own numerous neuroses, and stated he had been sexually abused by his father even though he didn't remember it. Reminds me of a certain doctorate thesis a few years back; the guy had fabricated the material (some kind of personal letters by a famous Finnish writer) he used in his doctorate thesis. The fraud was exposed years later but his title was never taken away from him. The morale of the story: feel free to do academically immoral things and be caught but only years later.
This Freud's tendency to explain anything with any possible aspect of human sexuality I find irritating. Okay, fine, sexuality is an important part of us but no so important it would directly affect all aspects of our personality and nature. And as for Freud's mind-bogglingly brilliant theory to explain homosexuality... talking about simplification and generalisation. Although I have to admit I am a Freudian school book example of a lesbian with a dominating mother and an absent father (occasionally far too present, though). Well, read Stålström's article on the matter.
- - -
I dumped the whole possibility of studying abroad; for instance, forty weeks at the Newport University would take at least eleven thousand pounds, which in euros would be around 16 thousand, plus all the extras due to TV license, household goods, flights and other travel expenses (one would have to take a flight from Helsinki-Vantaa to London Stanstead to Birmingham and continue with train or bus). Many students, I hear, study abroad; how the hell they do it, or do they just have rich parents?
Anyway, I decided to try my chances on the job markets. Since I know a little bit of Welsh and gain more knowledge of the language as I keep studying on my free time I should have something to make up the fact I'm not British. It would be great to live somewhere just outside Swansea, or Newport (maybe I could even get myself a place to see Ronnie O'Sullivan in action in Welsh Open if I'm lucky) or Cardiff. Cwmbran would be best: it's not that far from Newport but it would be a smaller town than the one I live now. This way the change would have one variable less; the language and culture change combined with a new job are more than enough to make my head spin. But this possibility would be expensive, too. The flights as explained above, finding a flat which usually requires a deposit and two month's rent in advance, and the actual job. Or jobs, more like; most jobs only pay the minimum wage and it doesn't necessarily cover the rent, let alone all the other costs. How come it's so damn difficult to get out of this country?!
Maybe I should just swallow my pride and stay here, stick with my current major and not switch to English which requires the language practise abroad. I mean, the practise is perfectly reasonable thing to include in university but you get absolutely no financial support anywhere to actually make it happen. My entire school year goes by trying to get good grades, I don't have time or will or ability to work at the same time. Most of the time would still go by watching that I don't by accident get more income per month than Kela allows me to. What's the point, I ask? What's the point to go through the trouble of getting a job to be able to study, and be fined if you break the income limits, but simultaneously loose time you're able to use to study? Some time students working alongside studying were considered productive members of society, now they're a nuisance, but at the same time are forced to do it to be able to study. We are supposed to be the spes patriae, the hope of this society, but we are treated like we have no rights. We are supposed to keep graduating faster and faster, but the means are being taken away one by one. If this continues only the children of the rich will be able to study at the university.
"I feel fucking unappreciated!" -McClane, Die Hard-
33% Oral (dependency): you appear to be stubbornly and irrationally against receiving help even when it might be the more intelligent option.
66% Anal (self control): you appear to be overly self controlled, organised, and possibly subservient to authority, this effectively narrows your exposure to a wider set of options and ideas lowering the odds that you will make the best decisions in life.
23% Phallic (sexuality): you appear to have negative issues regarding sexuality and/or have an uncertain sexual identity.
80% Latency (learning): you appear to be afraid or averse to present or future real world responsibilities, this will only make your inevitable transition more difficult, so learn to deal with the real world.
33% Genital (productivity): you appear to have a conventional, close-minded, and regressive outlook on life. Change is an inevitable and positive part of life, learn to contribute to it, not fear it or oppose it
”Freud theorized that psychological problems are related to problems during one or more of these stages. For example, being too cared for or too neglected causes someone to be orally fixated, too much or too little control causes someone to be anally fixated, insufficient parental role modeling causes phallic fixation. Freud believed the ideal for human happiness is to be happy in love and work, problems in one or the other cause unhappiness.”
Yeah, right. When you deal with Freud or Freudians, it’s a no-win situation. This is a perfect example of if. Not that I want to sound like I “have a conventional, close-minded, and regressive outlook on life”.
