I am now facing similar problems as those of which Mopsi has been talking about in some of his previous entries. My student allowance is in the end. Finished. Caput. Finaalissa. But as I am still studying fulltime, I need to familiarise myself with the local allowance system. I already filled in the application for living allowance, the next step will be a call and then a visit to the town's social and healthcare division. Quite frankly, considering the amount of taxation they've taken from me (and given some of it to churches without my consent!!!) I'm entitled to have it. Too bad there are no jobs available; now I wouldn't have to worry about Kela's income limits so much. Actually, no: the living allowance does depend on income and the main allowance from the town even more so. Okay, nevermind.
Good that I was taken in custody when I was 17 as I had to pay monthly visits to the local social and healthcare division then. So at least I have some experience on the matter.
Let's see what happens... I won't hold my hopes too up, though. I'm sure they find some way to get away with it or at least reduce any allowance. After all, they are the bureaucratic professionals, not me.
Splenetic
2
So... over four years has passed with me drooling after a straight woman. Now I am finally beginning to be able to fall for others. The problem, however, is that they, even though I really would care for them immensely, they would still all be second best choices compared to Her. Is this how it'll be for the rest of my life? That even though I loved them, and cared for them, was willing to sacrifice mych for them, and be truely happy with them, they would still be the second best? Is this what happens to other people, too? That some people just can't forget the first true love no matter how unrequited it is/was?
I've been having political constipation for quite a while now. Lately it has turned into stone and intoa more chronic political identity crisis. I've been trying to analyse it, to try and pinpoint the cause of it several times with little success*. Here is my final try. May not be rational, most certainly it is not thorough but since it's basically an intellectual and personal thing I don't really care. I just need to articulate this somewhat reasonably and coherently so I can make up a Finnish version for the Greens' member manager (it's time to renew the membership).
First of all, I'd like to thank the Greens. Their party of human rights and environmental care has made a difference in Finland. Environmental issues have been added to (almost) all parties' programme to some extent, something that would have been unheard of twenty years ago. You have also managed to accomplish promotion of human rights, especially those of the LGBT community. Again, I am (and will be) grateful for that. Something, however, has changed.
My path towards the Greens was not by my own conscious choice. As a teenager I became more aware of the things I saw were wrong in one way or another, and one of those things was the neglect and abuse of nature. I tried my best to get my parents to recylce, and especially avoid trashing. Eventually I also managed to make a small difference in air quality: my father was a smoker and he used to smoke indoors. My first accomplishment was to make him go smoke in the kitchen by the air conditioner when smoking indoors. The next step was not-in-the-house: outside or in the "Hall". I learned my first manipulation lesson by getting allies with the rest of the family as they would do anything to annoy my father, especially my mother. Even though I was more conserned with cancer than environment, I was labelled a Green (and, naturally, mocked because of it: "viherpiipertäjä" was a very familiar name for me in my childhood home). With increasing interest in human rights issue after my personal revelation about my own sexuality and what difference that -as well as any minority membership- makes in life.
It wasn't until the year 2008 when I became more interest in politics and started to follow the events and decisions more regularly. That is also when I became an official Green. I wanted to show concrete support to their goals and perhaps to find a group to belong to even. The road to hell was, however, indeed paved with good intentions. With every word I read, every decision I saw seemed to trash my idea of the party completely. Now, I do understand that being in the government is about getting an actual grip to power, to make a difference, unlike being in the opposition (they really should make the previous opposition co-operation obligatory again) where you can now only shout things without them having any effect on the government. Furthermore, being in the government is abbout compromise: "I'll scratch your back this time if you scratch my back later." This is where the crisis began: what are we as individuals and as different groups within the party willing to sacrifice to get something else through? As said, even though I am grateful for the in-family adoption right for the LGBT, I am not sure I can live with what has been sacrificed to gain that. I do not like the university reform of which I have been very vocal about. I do not like that you said nothing about the copyright proposal; it was up to Stefan Wallin to withdraw it from the table (no offense to Wallin, he's one of the few men that have a temporary free pass from their sex in my eyes at the moment). I most certainly do not like how more and more things have been piled on communal services without giving any resources to survive from them. One slightly marginal but important decision was seen in a documentary "Liikkumavara" by Annika Grof (why was it placed in TV2 around midnight?!): the increase of daycare and health fees (thank you, Asko-Seljavaara, the only politician inane enough to tell what they *really* thought about the law). All in all: I do not like the way you have been licking Kokoomus's arse after going for a dumb.
This -and many others I did not mention, such as the stance on the possibility of a sixth nuclear power plant application being introduced to the givernment- is why we must part ways, at least for the time being.
I will not lose all hope on you, howeve; I refuse to do so. There is still the next Parliament elections that can make a difference. Until then: so long, and thanks for all the fish.
*This is the third version of the same topic and I still don't think I've covered all the topics and subjects to this disappointment I should have. Well, now it's noted. Even if I did come up with other things, I will not be adding them here later; if I did, there would be no end to the editing process.
That is what is said why to go to a recruiting event at the university this week. What does it even mean? How exactly does one "create networks" by wandering from one point to the next with no particular interest but finding something to do the next summer? And, of course, the panel discussions and lectures include, again, to make students graduate and start their own business. I mean, this just sounds SO ridiculous especially at this time. We, the students here now are the children who grew up during the first recession and we saw its effects in our environment or perhaps even saw first hand what it did to small businesses if we (as I did) were brought up by parents in their own small business. We also experienced the enormous cuts in social and educational pilars of the society. And now the same people who brought that upon us are trying to make us want to put ourselves in the danger of the government doing the same thing as last time: betraying all those who had used their own savings to start their own business and are now left to survive with social wellfare. Are these people amnesiac?!
Splenetic
5
Oh, it's been a week since I wrote anything. I suppose that tells of one thing: relatively silent first week at school.
The first Accounting lectures began. I find them surprisingly interesting. I guess one of the reasons for this is that I have no gnawing voice in my head constantly asking "why do you think you have any right to spend your life studying something so useless", unlike when I'm sitting on Post-colonial literature course or Sociolinguistics course. Interesting but from the Friedmanian point of view, utterly useless and unworthy of any euros. I really do not like this division of economically uselful subjects and the rest that don't really even need any name, let alone resources. I mean, who needs "culture" anyway?
(To cheer me up, below I have a picture of a really beautiful jellyfish, Sminthea arctica. Cute, isn't it?)
The new term and first lectures begin tomorrow. Aahh... about time! One more week in solitude in clumsy attempts to have some kind on intelligent conversations with books and I would have dulled exponetially. I am going to spend lots of extra time at the university just for being able to do so.
I am so happy I've had Xena DVDs to keep me company!
So. Do people really have to take any job offered regardless of the terms and conditions of that job? Especially if they've already tried the field and it sucked? And they didn't like it in the first place at all, since that was sort of "any job at any terms" thing the first time around?
Started the summer job anxiety by searching for jobs at MOL. I mean, what the fuck.. it seems that every job requires a higher education or Polytechnic degree on that particular field. It appears I should be an electrician, a trained pedagogic, an economist in all of its branches, and an outgoing extrovert with a fabulous body, readiness to do pretty much anything or go anywhere anytime the emoployer wants me to, a fucking linguistic genius, not to mention that I should get along with everyone no matter how badly shit-for-brains they are, and I should also have a driver's license for the most common vehicles and a trucking card. In addition I should have about a thousand papers from hygeine to alcohol to criminal record.
FUUUUUUUUCCKK!!! What the fuck I'm supposed to do, huh?! Pretend in job interviews and when the trial's over (if I've managed that far) I'll blow my cover and reveal myself to be a fucking anti-social bitch without any kind of motivation? Yeah, except that I don't want to pretend. Why it's always me who has to change to fit what other people want me to be? Why won't others tolerate different people? It can't be that I'm the only one who can't manage with this precariat system, portfolio career? Right? So why do the others not acknowledge the existence of us less social people. Why should we be superhumans to compensate that one little thing? Why don't we get to be average like social people?
Can't sleep. Again. I want to go home, not stay here any longer. But no busses go until Monday. I'm not even sure my brother will take the offer of me paying him for driving me home.
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I don't remember if I've told about my mother's christmas arrangementsfor last night. She made us all go to a party thrown by her boyfriends family. Most of the participants were from his side and since my mother spends so much time with them... well, me and my siblings felt a bit out of place. Especially me. A small space packed with unfamiliar people... My sister tried to explain to me some social basics but failed... or I failed, whatever.
Yes, I do know the main themes what not to talk about but it leaves only the unimportant, mundane, stupid things to talk about.. for the sake of talking! That's the thing I don't understand. Why would I spend time and energy to talk about things that do not communicate anything to the other? If I wanted to get to know to someone, exactly what good does talking about where I go to school and what are my major and minor do? Nothing, in my opinion at least. Okay, perhaps it functions as an opening, a bridge to a more meaningful relationship. The problem with this, of course, is that I just don't care.
Another problem, as came very clear last night, is that I find out things I would not need to know. Because when people talk for the sake of talking and drink alcohol at the same time, they are bound to blurt out some things I find utterly unimportant, perhaps even slightly odd but not in the sense of being interesting. I do understand this combination let's people know more of others, also the awkward things, which in turn let's one make a more informative decision on whether one wants to get to know to the other better or not. My problem with this is the alcohol. I hated being there because everyone else drank alcohol and I really, really hate being surrounded by drunken people, especially in the evening, especially when I'm far from home, and especially when I can't get out on my own (the place was in the middle of the woods 25 kilometres from my mother's place).
To add to all of this, we all had to bring a present to one of the randomly selected guests. Obviously I hadn't even heard of most of them, so when I got the person's name, all I could think of was books. So a book it was: a popular science book, to be more specific. And the person it was addressed to? My mother's boyfriend's daughter's husband's sister. And she most certainly is no scientific knowledge fan. And she behaved like a bloody teen pissis. And looked like one, too.
And me? I got a bottle of "sparkling wine". I appreciate the thought and I can understand the motivation behind it (a Finn above 18 years old = drinks alcohol). I'm just having trouble deciding what to do with it. My sister suggested I put it on a shelf since it's a nice-looking bottle. Yes, it is, but... why would I put a wine bottle on display suggesting I like it when I most certainly do not? In fact, the thought of having alcohol in my apartment is appaling. Not because I would be tempted to drink it (hell no) but... I really don't need a constant reminder of my childhood. Besides, my absolutism is a handicap in Finland. If I say no when offered alcohol, there will be a wave of of 'why's. I'm not ashamed of my past which is the main cause for this but most people would be and therefore the situation would also turn negative. And gradually, I become a pariah, a weirdo, a social hazard in a way. Not fun. Some people seem to think I regard myself better than them because I don't drink. I really cannot express how wrong they are. I think of myself lesser than them because I can't drink alcohol. I would like to be able to take a glass of wine every now and then but I can't since I have a fucking genetic tendency toward alcoholism and my personality isn't helping either.
Fuck this. And fuck you, Dad!
Splenetic
"Tää on taas niin tätä."
Should get up at 6 a.m. to get to the bus station on time. It's now 2 a.m. and as writing usually requires conscious brain functions... Even if I fell asleep right now, I'd still be fucked up to some degree tomorrow. Why is it that when you know you have to get up early you just can't sleep?
EDIT at 3 a.m: Still awake. I'm going to so tired tomorrow...
EDIT at 4 a.m: Wanna guess? I suppose it's time for one of my notorius "wakey, wakey!" marathons again. Shit. This and caffeine to stay awake... a bad combo!
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Another thing I've been wondering for a couple of weeks now. Santa Claus. Why do parents reinforce their relationship to their children by lying to them for years? I mean, Santa as we know him is an American invention. Coca-Cola's invention, to be exact. It serves no other purpose than boosting their sales figures and since then all others have taken advantage on this, too. But why lie to kids? His sole purpose from the parental point of view is that he is some vague authority figure, a dictator, who decides if you've behaved good enough to have presents. Is it that parents play the god-card: shifting the responsibility to something imaginary being the kid doesn't get to question?
The way I see it, this holiday is about spending time with a family, preferably family of your choice (which is not my situation which in turn pisses me off even more than the holiday's commercialism...). This is a time when you give presents to those you care about (again, preferably...), to express the affection, the care, the friendliness. What the hell does a strange man has to do with any of this? Nothing. So why keep it up? Because it's a tradition, it's what has always (and I use the term loosely) been done. Seriously, if we were to do everything as before, we'd still be living in caves wondering if the twinkling lights in the night sky are gods' eyes watching everything we do... and shifting all the blame to them, of course.
And no, I have no bitter memories of the lie being revealed to me in some brutal way. I have no recollection of the time I thought he was real. Actually, my mother -when confronted with this question as a kid and even now!- keeps saying he's real (more or less seriously, I hope...). So as a result I ended up taking the autographs of the two Santas in two years and compared them to each other. Not the same (obviously, since the other Santa was my father's drinking buddy, and the other a friend of my mother's). And still she kept saying Santa's real. I doubt this is the fundamental cause of my trust issues but it sure doesn't help to build a trustful relationship between a parent and a child.
...Perhaps I'll watch 'Grinch'. I wish I had the Bad Santa film... so much nastier and thus funnier. Well, I'll have to settle for Thornton below.
