Can't sleep. Again. I want to go home, not stay here any longer. But no busses go until Monday. I'm not even sure my brother will take the offer of me paying him for driving me home.
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I don't remember if I've told about my mother's christmas arrangementsfor last night. She made us all go to a party thrown by her boyfriends family. Most of the participants were from his side and since my mother spends so much time with them... well, me and my siblings felt a bit out of place. Especially me. A small space packed with unfamiliar people... My sister tried to explain to me some social basics but failed... or I failed, whatever.
Yes, I do know the main themes what not to talk about but it leaves only the unimportant, mundane, stupid things to talk about.. for the sake of talking! That's the thing I don't understand. Why would I spend time and energy to talk about things that do not communicate anything to the other? If I wanted to get to know to someone, exactly what good does talking about where I go to school and what are my major and minor do? Nothing, in my opinion at least. Okay, perhaps it functions as an opening, a bridge to a more meaningful relationship. The problem with this, of course, is that I just don't care.
Another problem, as came very clear last night, is that I find out things I would not need to know. Because when people talk for the sake of talking and drink alcohol at the same time, they are bound to blurt out some things I find utterly unimportant, perhaps even slightly odd but not in the sense of being interesting. I do understand this combination let's people know more of others, also the awkward things, which in turn let's one make a more informative decision on whether one wants to get to know to the other better or not. My problem with this is the alcohol. I hated being there because everyone else drank alcohol and I really, really hate being surrounded by drunken people, especially in the evening, especially when I'm far from home, and especially when I can't get out on my own (the place was in the middle of the woods 25 kilometres from my mother's place).
To add to all of this, we all had to bring a present to one of the randomly selected guests. Obviously I hadn't even heard of most of them, so when I got the person's name, all I could think of was books. So a book it was: a popular science book, to be more specific. And the person it was addressed to? My mother's boyfriend's daughter's husband's sister. And she most certainly is no scientific knowledge fan. And she behaved like a bloody teen pissis. And looked like one, too.
And me? I got a bottle of "sparkling wine". I appreciate the thought and I can understand the motivation behind it (a Finn above 18 years old = drinks alcohol). I'm just having trouble deciding what to do with it. My sister suggested I put it on a shelf since it's a nice-looking bottle. Yes, it is, but... why would I put a wine bottle on display suggesting I like it when I most certainly do not? In fact, the thought of having alcohol in my apartment is appaling. Not because I would be tempted to drink it (hell no) but... I really don't need a constant reminder of my childhood. Besides, my absolutism is a handicap in Finland. If I say no when offered alcohol, there will be a wave of of 'why's. I'm not ashamed of my past which is the main cause for this but most people would be and therefore the situation would also turn negative. And gradually, I become a pariah, a weirdo, a social hazard in a way. Not fun. Some people seem to think I regard myself better than them because I don't drink. I really cannot express how wrong they are. I think of myself lesser than them because I can't drink alcohol. I would like to be able to take a glass of wine every now and then but I can't since I have a fucking genetic tendency toward alcoholism and my personality isn't helping either.
Fuck this. And fuck you, Dad!
