The Other World

It's again been a while since I wrote here. What could I do to get this blog updated more often? Maybe the problem is that there hasn't been much happening in my life lately. I turned twenty-one, remaining the way I was before.

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I had a viva voce exam today. I was so nervous about it last night that I couldn't get much sleep (about three hours in the end). Well, at least it's not anywhere near my reaction to my very first matriculation exam, Swedish, few years ago. Then I could barely close my eyes and when I did I kept dreaming about how I was late from the exam or otherwise screwed it up... at five a.m. I was throwing up. That was the last time I've eaten before an important and/or new exam. The actual examination was so much easier than I expected. It was also revealed that the teacher and three of her friends wrote a Harlequin novel in order to gather the money required to travel to the Bahamas. Did you know those novels have a very strict event line created by the publishers?

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Approximately an hour ago I was walking home from a book store and there was this guy who was walking to the direction I came from. Anyway, he did something very non-Finnish and stepped up to me. First I assumed he was lost or just drunk but it appeared that he was neither. He just talked to me, asking my name and whether I'm from this town and the weather... He looked so harmless (but then again, all the psychopaths look harmless and seem normal... not that I think he was a psychopath, that would be me). Diego's (that's his, presumably real, name) voice was like a little boy's voice. His hand was so very warm, too (he shook my hand before departing). I was feeling down earlier and I've been smiling ever since Diego.

Funny how something so little like this can affect so much. It's the same thing with everything: saving someone's disc from the university's computer class (also known as the Bermuda Triangle of Discs), or opening the door for someone, or helping someone if they're lost, or helping with the computers if somebody has a problem with them... These things don't probably mean much to others and they forget about them quite soon and yet they make me feel better, that I've been useful, that I'm not completely terrible and bad person.

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Speaking of personalities, I found a Cattell sixteen factors personality test (http://similarminds.com/cattell-16-factor.html). It is a test created by a chemist Raymond Bernard Cattell. The questionnaire is based on the idea that different personality characteristics (or source traits, as he himself called them) can be divided in sixteen factors (or taxonomy) as the Periodic table. Here’s my results.

Warmth 34% - More cold and selfish than supportive and comforting (I may want to disagree…).

Intellect 62% - More cerebral and analytical than instinctive and unstable (that is true).

Emotional stability 34% - More irritable and moody than level headed and calm (depends on the situation).

Aggressiveness 78% - More controlling and tough than modest and docile (why is that a bad thing?).

Liveliness 62% - More wild and fun loving than somber and restrained (=D).

Dutifulness 54% - More conforming and traditional than untraditional and rebellious (hmm?).

Social assertiveness 18% - More shy and withdrawn than uninhibited and bold (the seed of truth dwells here).

Sensitivity 70% - More touchy and soft than coarse and tough (what about aggressiveness?)

Paranoia 78% - More wary and suspicious than trusting and easy going (“possibly”).

Abstractness 78% - More strange and imaginative than practical and regular (“it’s plausible”).

Introversion 54% - More private and quiet than open and friendly (“it’s feasible”).

Anxiety 70% - More fearful and self-doubting than confident and self assured (“swamp gas?”; to those of you who have no idea what this series of answers/comments means, it's from X-Files when Scully offers scientific explanations to a UFO close encounter).

Openmindedness 66% - More curious and exploratory than closeminded and set-in-ways (could be).

Independence 82% - More loner and craving solitude than outgoing and social (why should they exclude each other?).

Perfectionism 74% - More orderly and thorough than disorganized and messy (my roommate knows this very well, probably better than she would like to).

Tension 70% - More stressed and (unstressed?) unsatisfied than relaxed and cool (mostly…).

It's been a while since the last entry. I've been quite preoccupied with my school assignments. If I were inclined to paranoia I would say that the teachers have a conspiracy to put all the essays to due the same week.

There's an interesting song playing in the current combat program. I have no idea what it is but it keeps playing in my head. Maybe I should try to find it with Google.

Now I have to write the translation for one course. I've preserved the rest of the day only for that (once I've dealt with my prose analysis source problem first, that is). Translating has never been that difficult to me but for my fear/respect/admiration towards that teacher I may be too critical about the actual result of my brain activity.

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Post Scriptum: Happy birthday to me.

I just got the poetry analysis back, the one I was going bananas over the other day. I actually managed to get the second hightest mark.

I watched Bruce Almighty last night. Hilarious! I was constantly sniggering because of some clever, sarcastic remark. I was ROTFASTC (rolling on the floor and scaring the cat; one of my English professors uses that occasionally) when Bruce was saying that everything happening is just "a normal everyday psychosis". I have to say that the Finnish translation was even funnier: "normaali kasvaimen aiheuttama psykoosi". B-E-A-utiful! Jim Carrey was extremely funny in Lemony Snickett's A Series of Unfortunate Events; "I will care for these orphans as if they were actually wanted." =)

Unbelievable movie! Absolutely fantastic! This is the first film ever to make me cry that much. And V is great. He's sophisticated and righteous and definitely had me ready to fight by his side for a better world (though I would be very pissed if he went cutting my hair).

Very challenging for Hugo Weaving since he didn't have facial expressions to support his acting but only the body language and his voice. Did a nice job, anyway. Excellent!

The title of today's entry means that "by the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe." The citing is actually Christopher Marlowe's The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus, not from Goethe's Faustus as V says (one learns something new every day, that's what makes life worth living).

Since I am an unsocial mockery of a human being I decided to save the movie night for today. Now, what else could I possibly do on a Friday night than sit home taking notes for a Gideon’s descriptive translation theory analysis?

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I have (again) given way for the numerous tests on-line. Here are the results from them:

WHICH PERSONALITY DISORDER DO YOU HAVE?
(http://quizilla.com/users/rosiekins/quizzes/Which%20Personality%20Disorder%20Do%20You%20Have%3F/)

Obsessive Compulsive: “You’re a Palpitating Heart neurotic. Whatever your idea of perfect is (whether it be having all your books perfectly aligned on the shelf, or simply having your floor utterly spotless) you cannot rest until it is lived up to. Others may roll their eyes, and see you as a pesky clean freak/perfectionist/weirdo, but the truth is… you can’t help it! The neuron-transmitters are to blame. DAMN THEM!”

Okay, so I do have my books aligned in height order divided in their own sections. But it’s easier to find the book you’re looking for. And being a control freak is usually a good thing when working in groups; there won’t be a single spelling mistake on the transparency and everything will be done on time.

WHICH ALAN RICKMAN CAHARACTER ARE YOU?
(http://selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=arickman)

They say I’m Hans Gruber (from Die Hard, that is). Maybe… But he looks much better and isn’t as quick-tempered as I am.

WHO’S YOUR INNER JOHNNY DEPP CHARACTER?
(http://quizilla.com/users/misssmanson/quizzes/Who%20is%20%20your%20inner%20Johnny%20Depp%20Character%3F/)

Morton Rainey from Secret Window: “You have your problems but you’re very clever.” Intriguing…

SOPHIA – ETIIKKATESTI
(http://www.yle.fi/vielayksiasia/peli/viela1.html)

The philosopher closest to my ethics: Richard Rorty (77%). The things we agreed were the ones that I find most important. I have to find out more about this guy. Two months ago I would have said it’s a small miracle I’m agreeing with an American but my stereotypes of Americans have been shattered lately. This is a nice adding to the continuum.

The philosopher furthest from my ethics: Sören Kierkegaard (36%). This is no surprise.

At the moment I'm busy with all the literary works we need to finish by the end of the semester. I need to finish my Translation studies' lecture journal by week 50, alongside my Literary methodology prose analysis and the Final Assignment (capitals because nobody knows what it's going to be like), not to mention my Home reading diary and the Translations research paper (which I have scheduled for the forthcoming Friday; maybe I'll manage to finish it during the day). In addition to all this I have the exam for linguistics, too. So in case there's somebody who actually follows what I write, there may be gaps from time to time.

Now I need to go home, get something to eat, and then go somewhere to rent V for Vendetta. I'm going to need it for my Translation studies' journal entry for this week. There's a nice alliteration in the film. I'm going to do an analysis of its translation. On the other hand I hope it's been translated with the same method (would be better for Finnish viewers), on the other hand it would provide more material (and possibilities for independent thinking) for the lecture journal if the alliteration has been left out from the Finnish translation.

We'll see if the Democrats do better in the congress than the Republicans. I found out today that Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose name is, for the record, correctly spelt) is a Republican. For some incomprehensible reason I’ve always imagined him to be a Democrat. Well, maybe a foreigner gets a better reception in politics if he stands for what is considered to be “American values”. Or maybe he actually does believe in the Republicans, I don’t know.

Okay, what was I suppose to do next? The student allowance incident (there seems to be some problem in my records according to the Kela people; I think the computer has taken me for someone else). Then the movie.

I’ve been apparently very busy with something for it’s been a week since the last time I wrote here. Okay, let us go through the previous week whether you want it or not.

MONDAY
I was writing the poetry analysis the entire day and evening. In the end it worked out just fine. Well, in my opinion anyway, we haven’t gotten them back yet. We’ll see, maybe next week or (God forbid!) even later this week.

TUESDAY
One enticing Halloween! We had a Samhain party here at the university on Tuesday night. One of the staff is a Wiccan and she invited us to celebrate the Wiccan New Year with her. At first I was just looming outside the door thinking I just have to cross the threshold and then I can’t back away. I wasn’t afraid of the ritual, though. The reason my hands kept shaking was because of the fact that I was surrounded by twenty strangers whose names I barely knew. I suppose I’m not very social and, even though I had to admit it, I’m frightened by other people. When the actual ritual took place I felt so much safer than ever anywhere outside my own room. By the time she blessed me I was so close to bursting into tears; it felt like someone actually cared about me. Afterwards I felt very vulnerable. Later that night I managed to come up with a useful technique to write one of my short stories with. Actually I haven’t written it yet so I cannot be sure whether its length stays within the limits of 10 000 words required of a short story. But then again, it’s not invented either. We’ll see about that as well.

WEDNESDAY
I was feeling very happy the entire day. I woke up smiling (and went to bed smiling the previous night, too), and I kept smiling throughout the day. Most of the day went by with me doing my Translations homework. In the evening I went to BodyCompat (again… this is where you can act surprised if you wish). She wasn’t there, though. Speaking of which… I have found myself thinking of Her more realistically. I mean, I still want to protect Her but I have finally realized that what I keep hoping for is never going to happen, whatever the situation. Only this time I don’t feel too sad about it. Nevertheless, She remains my Impossible Love (and I’m still clinging to the hope of getting to dedicate a book to Her).

THURSDAY
Very social day today. I was sitting on my usual spot in the English department (I am the knight of that round table), and I spent half an hour talking to three different people. May sound like an every day thing to you but in my life it can be five days before I even notice I haven’t really talked to anyone face-to-face. So speaking with three people in one day is a sort of an accomplishment to me. I had to go visiting my parents this weekend, too. I left on Thursday and spent the first night with my aunt and uncle. The main reason for me being there was that they started doing this jigsaw of Mona Lisa. I’m infamous for spending hours doing puzzles so they were hoping I would finish it for them. I almost managed to complete it. I’m obviously very predictable.

FRIDAY
I think I am no longer inclined to go visit my aunt after this afternoon. She was talking about lesbians extremely meanly. “Why do they have to shout ‘I’m a lesbian!’ [she actually shouted this] and make such a fuss of their sexual orientation? I mean, why the hell are they proud for dicks not being good enough for them?” I hate I didn’t have enough backbone to say anything. Maybe it was because my siblings were there, too. It’s possibly better coming out to only one person at a time. It’s easier to handle one possible enemy instead of three enemies. Nevertheless, I should have asked her whether she, as a straight woman, is the best to say how we feel about having sex with a man. Now I am determined to stay out of their house and once she asks me why I’ll just tell her the truth no matter how badly she takes it: I feel I’m not welcomed. I’m just not sure whether I can resist the temptation of answering her question with a somewhat mean remark: “Why I haven’t told you I’m a lesbian? I wouldn’t want to be a lesbian who makes such a fuss of their sexual orientation, now would I.”

SATURDAY
This is why I hate going visiting my parents. My father said the classic phrase (again… no need to be surprised here): “Don’t care even if I’m a little drunk.” A little drunk? Your legs barely carry you! The entire day went by with me having to listen to his drunken wisdom. The same thing continued in the evening: I was in my sister’s room getting ready to go to bed when he comes in talking something incomprehensible again. My little brother’s room is right there between this room and the living room so he was waking him up in the process. Since he refused to go to sleep I had to go to the living room to listen to his not-so-glorious speech in order to let my brother sleep.

SUNDAY
What a wonderful morning. I was eating my breakfast when my already drunken father (he must have begun drinking early to get that intoxicated by nine a.m.) wanted to express his concern both of my social life and sex life. First he asked me whether I’ve had boyfriends (actually, the term he used was “miesystävä”, that’s a new one from him). Then he started talking about virginity (not referring to me, directly at least). He just had to tell me that the women he’s had sex with haven’t bled. I didn’t mention that hymen doesn’t necessarily bleed when it breaks, if it breaks at all (it can be very flexible, according to the sexologist Kari Heusala).

I started smiling again when I got myself to a bus that would take me back home. My relatives, however, don’t seem to understand that this town where I live and study is my home. They always refer to this with some word that indicates inferiority.

Well, now I have six weeks all to myself. I only have to go back there for Christmas. I’m not sure whether I would want to. Which one is worse: having to spend a holiday with a drunken person hearing constant arguing, or spending a holiday alone but in peace and quietness? After all, ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ are two very different things.

Okay, I was once again ahead of everything. I did manage to get that analysis ready after all and it wasn't even that bad. At the moment I'm waiting to get to my lecture and to kill time I made a couple of tests. Here's the results.

At the time being I am 57,63% nerd according to MBnet Pelihalli (http://www.mbnet.fi/pelihalli/testaaitsesi/norttitesti/index.asp).

Here is also a list of my virtues and vice according to YLE (http://www.yle.fi/pyhatjapahat/testi.html):
Virtue: justness, temperance, love
Vice: pride, worrying, the lack of humour

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It is, by the way, John Keats' 211th birthday. In case someone is in Rome passing by the Cimitero Acattolico, say hello for me.

I am a failure. I cannot come up with a proper poetry analysis. I'm stupid and I should have started the analysis weeks ago but instead I didn't do anything until last week and now I'm ready to cry because I cannot figure out the stanza in a poem I need for my current analysis. I started with a combination of Keats-Pope-Yeats, changed it into Keats-Pope-Wordsworth, then Keats-Wordsworth and now I'm in Keats-Ashbery. I finally have a tolerable main thesis but I don't have the means to do anything with it until I figure out the goddamn stanza form. I'm fucked.

One hell of a day, Wednesday. One more reminder why I don't go to strange places more often.

Okay, I got myself to train on time. The first ten minutes I walked in circles (what a classic) and after that I walked twenty minutes to the wrong direction. I mean, one road, two possibilities and I go to the wrong way. I have an undefeatable ability to get lost anywhere. I almost burst into tears when I saw Stockmann and I knew where I was. Later that day when I used the subway for the second time in my life (I went to Kallio to meet my cousin) I was slightly nervous getting back up in daylight worrying (what if I had left the "train" too late or too early and I wasn't in Kallio after all). I don't think I've ever been so happy to see Seksipiste the sex shop.

The concert was great. It was an interesting coincidence that I wore clothes almost exactly the same as the singers did. White shirt, black tie... Of course Cristina Scabbia looks so much better than I do... and sounds amazing, too. It was an excellent experience to see them play live. It never ceases to amaze me how different the songs can be when played live and on the record.

After the concert I also went to DTM. My first time in a gay bar. My first time in any bar, for that matter. I've never free willingly gone to a bar without there being a band I want to see perform live. It wasn't exactly as I imagined it but it was an interesting experience, just to sit there among people of my kind and reliving the concert in my head before going to bed.

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I have a confession to make. I did something last night that I quite possible should regret. I couldn't sleep and my mind was going around Her again. My thoughts were running wild and I ended up firing the Surgeon General (masturbating, that is). I was so carried away with my fantasy that I completely forgot that my roommate was home, sleeping (hopefully...) in the next room. Unfortunately, the walls are not soundproof and silence isn't one of my virtues in any aspect of my life. I stopped when I remembered her presence. Now I regret it, though. I would have had an orgasm of a lifetime.

Here's an interesting anecdote: the slang phrase for masturbating used above derives from an incident in the United States. The Surgeon General (the head of Public Health Service Commissioned Corps) in 1994 was Joycelyn Elders who said once in public that maybe it should be put in school curricula that masturbating is perfectly healthy and normal part of human sexuality. Numerous Christian groups began spreading their hypocritical and conservative, holier-than-thou views on sexuality again, forcing the president to ask for Elders’ resignation (read: firing her). Hence the expression "firing the Surgeon General". Why is it that they seem so interested in what happens in someone else’s bedroom miles away, alone or under the mutual agreement of two (or more xD) adults?

Another interesting anecdote, but first, hand up those who have ever eaten Kellogg’s Corn Flakes! Yeah, me too. But did you know that when the Kellogg brothers accidentally created corn flakes by leaving cooked wheat to sit, they were actually trying to create a natural medicine to prevent masturbation? Well, penicillin was accidental, too.

"We know that more than 70-80% of women masturbate, and 90% of men masturbate, and the rest lie." -Joycelyn Elders-