I saw Her last Thursday. Someone might say that I can't be sure it was Her, that someone was cycling past at the other end of the lawn. But it was Her. Funny how, even before my conscious mind realises it, I recognise Her, by the smallest of clues. That there is something about Her that I instantly recognise even though I don't know what it is.
Then I saw Her again today. It felt like I could just stop right there in the middle of the road to watch Her and then close my eyes and cherish the moment a little longer. I wish I could just watch Her without Her noticing, to see Her talk about literature (because She really does seem to shine when She speaks of books) and see something behind Her mask, to wonder what She's thinking when She thinks no one is looking at Her at that particular moment.
I think I won't go forth with the "I'm not getting laid so how about a prostitute" plan. Not until I get Her out of my mind. And since it's soon been four years... I suppose I won't be holding my breath.
Well, for now, at least. I met the bottom and went through the floor to the basement during our first thesis seminar. All those people kept saying how they have no idea what to write their theses about half an hour before the lecture but during the lecture they had all miraculously discovered an area they want to study. But then again I'm the one with the high requirements to the point of being ridiculous.
So I killed my gradu. Now I'm going to do a rehearsal gradu; no pressure on the subject so I can do some diipadaapa literature analysis and be devoid of all pressure apart from the timetable I will set myself.
I feel a whole lot better already. So I'll be here for another year but... well, fuck the but! If it bothers someone they can go fuck themselves.
(Ja sama Googlen käännöskoneella:
"No, nyt ainakin. Tapasin pohjaan ja meni läpi puheenvuoron kellarissa aikana ensimmäinen tutkielmaseminaari. Kaikki nämä ihmiset pitää sanoa, miten heillä ei ole aavistustakaan, mitä kirjoittaa opinnäytetöitä noin puoli tuntia ennen luennon, mutta aikana luento he kaikki olivat kuin ihmeen kaupalla löysi alueen he haluavat opiskella. Mutta sitten taas olen kanssa yhden suuren vaatimusten kannalta on naurettava.
Joten olen tappoi gradu. Nyt aion tehdä harjoitus gradu, ei paineita asiasta, jotta voin tehdä joitakin diipadaapa kirjallisuuden analyysiin ja on vailla kaikkia painostuksen lisäksi aikataulun asetan itselleni.
Mielestäni koko paljon parempi jo. So I'll täällä vielä vuoden, mutta ... hyvin, vittu vaan! Jos se häiritsee joku ne voi mennä vittu itse."
Heh. Käännöskone, juu...)
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Addition in the evening:
I'm smirking like I'm in outpatient care and well medicated. I *know* the world's as fucked up and twisted and unfair as ever, and yet I keep smiling. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone's dozed me with amphetamines or something.
I've been smiling -and listening to my Sappho playlist (you know, all the horribly positive or Byronic love songs, Roxette, HIM, Nightwish, Within Temptation etc.) ever since I googled my first lesbian crush's name. Didn't know what she's doing nowadays, or even the name's correct anymore. I didn't expect to see a picture of her. She hasn't changed much as far as I remember but then again, my memory for faces is infamously terrible. I can still remember her voice, though, perfectly well. When I saw that picture... I wasn't envious, or regretful, or anything. I merely felt something I can only describe as gratitude: gratitude for her existence, for her kindness, for her understanding, for herself. Depending on who you ask, she is to thank or blame that I'm still alive. I don't think I would have survived junior high if it wasn't for her. I just might have cut a little deeper.
I don't know if it was seeing her that made me this high or the fact that I will most certainly leave the gradu alone... but this is so weird. This isn't me! I'm the mean, sarcastic bitch listening to Eths and giving a fuck to everything and everyone. This state is horribly enjoyable. I do hope it won't last very long. I won't make a very good depression patient like this. :)
Just finished Tervo's 'Koljatti'. Vanhanen says the book is "an honour". I think he has no idea what he's talking about.
But very much worth reading; nice structure (similar to 'The Collector' by John Fowles, also similarities in themes) and very well written. It's like Six Feet Under "is this really happening or is this one of those imaginary realities?" style, except that whereas 6FU is most of the time absurd and funny, 'Koljatti' is most of the time absurd and gross... apart from the times when the absurdity is just so out there, regardless of being simultaneously very gross, then you can do nothing else but laugh.
Read it, if only for general knowledge since this is going to be in the headlines and talked about for quite a long time.
Post scriptum: I wonder how much -in percentage- Lahnanen has in common with Vanhanen, factually?
