Well, for now, at least. I met the bottom and went through the floor to the basement during our first thesis seminar. All those people kept saying how they have no idea what to write their theses about half an hour before the lecture but during the lecture they had all miraculously discovered an area they want to study. But then again I'm the one with the high requirements to the point of being ridiculous.
So I killed my gradu. Now I'm going to do a rehearsal gradu; no pressure on the subject so I can do some diipadaapa literature analysis and be devoid of all pressure apart from the timetable I will set myself.
I feel a whole lot better already. So I'll be here for another year but... well, fuck the but! If it bothers someone they can go fuck themselves.
(Ja sama Googlen käännöskoneella:
"No, nyt ainakin. Tapasin pohjaan ja meni läpi puheenvuoron kellarissa aikana ensimmäinen tutkielmaseminaari. Kaikki nämä ihmiset pitää sanoa, miten heillä ei ole aavistustakaan, mitä kirjoittaa opinnäytetöitä noin puoli tuntia ennen luennon, mutta aikana luento he kaikki olivat kuin ihmeen kaupalla löysi alueen he haluavat opiskella. Mutta sitten taas olen kanssa yhden suuren vaatimusten kannalta on naurettava.
Joten olen tappoi gradu. Nyt aion tehdä harjoitus gradu, ei paineita asiasta, jotta voin tehdä joitakin diipadaapa kirjallisuuden analyysiin ja on vailla kaikkia painostuksen lisäksi aikataulun asetan itselleni.
Mielestäni koko paljon parempi jo. So I'll täällä vielä vuoden, mutta ... hyvin, vittu vaan! Jos se häiritsee joku ne voi mennä vittu itse."
Heh. Käännöskone, juu...)
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Addition in the evening:
I'm smirking like I'm in outpatient care and well medicated. I *know* the world's as fucked up and twisted and unfair as ever, and yet I keep smiling. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone's dozed me with amphetamines or something.
I've been smiling -and listening to my Sappho playlist (you know, all the horribly positive or Byronic love songs, Roxette, HIM, Nightwish, Within Temptation etc.) ever since I googled my first lesbian crush's name. Didn't know what she's doing nowadays, or even the name's correct anymore. I didn't expect to see a picture of her. She hasn't changed much as far as I remember but then again, my memory for faces is infamously terrible. I can still remember her voice, though, perfectly well. When I saw that picture... I wasn't envious, or regretful, or anything. I merely felt something I can only describe as gratitude: gratitude for her existence, for her kindness, for her understanding, for herself. Depending on who you ask, she is to thank or blame that I'm still alive. I don't think I would have survived junior high if it wasn't for her. I just might have cut a little deeper.
I don't know if it was seeing her that made me this high or the fact that I will most certainly leave the gradu alone... but this is so weird. This isn't me! I'm the mean, sarcastic bitch listening to Eths and giving a fuck to everything and everyone. This state is horribly enjoyable. I do hope it won't last very long. I won't make a very good depression patient like this. :)
PLAYING: Jenni Vartiainen - Ihmisten edessä
2 kommenttia
Rokkihomo
11.9.2009 05:57
"Joten olen tappoi gradu". How weirdly sweet existentialist touch in that one...
Good luck with diipadaapa; just try not to get too bored then (Yes, this uncle has thus warned thou).
Splenetic
11.9.2009 09:23
Google translation machine = the ultimate poet (if poetry is something that makes no sense but still connects words usually come together).
I hope not, too; possibly not, though, since my only interest nowadays is towards literature. How sad; I'm only interested in the one thing I refuse to write my thesis about. :/