Sitting at the square, watching light in the windows of the surrounding houses. So many apartments, so many lives. Even though it is an statistically inaccurate assumption, it seems to me as if all of those people I see in the windows are happy. I feel as if they all have someone else in the apartment with them, someone who loves them and who they love. I go home and sit on my bed with all lights turned out, in the darkness.

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"E says hi. She says you started studying the same year. We're on the same German group. :)" One message from my sister and I'm better already. So easy to better my day but so few times that actually happens.

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Sex drive is on the highway again. Not only during day time but in my dreams as well. Maybe I should begin prostituting... :/

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In a couple of months I'll be 25. A quarter of a century. I'm getting too old to still be like this: never having dated anyone, never having had a romantic relationship with anyone, never having been even kissed let alone anything else. And at the same time I have plans laid out for a permanent job, buying a house, mortgages, car, maybe weddings, maybe kids... And then be hit by the reality again.

This is a downward spiral no cutting can fix even momentarily, no amount of sleep, no nothing. Dwelling in Studio Ghibli's worlds which usually can make everything better... even dwelling in them doesn't help since so many of the films are based on outsiders finding companions, partners.

My usual blues seems so easy to fix compared to this: just going out and get involved with some student activity. But right now going out means seeing all those couples walking there hand in hand... all those people that lead their usual lives with relationships... all those women that might have been if I were different... fuck, now I'm crying again. What's the use of crying over something that won't change?