Computer problems?!

Siivotessani tietokonettani (kyllä, alan tuota pikaa siirtämään nykyisen koneen sisuksia uusiin kuoriin, vaativa kirurginen toimenpide) löysin taas kilo(tavu)kaupalla kaikkea mahdollista kivaa tauhkaa! :D
Tässä esimerkki:

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the Flowers and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Euro Soccer 04, NBA 3.0 as well as Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please open your web browser and then enter the address “http://I_Thought_You_Loved_Me.html” and try to download Tears 6.0. Don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update!
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all system resources).
Also, DO NOT attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck, Tech Support