Again, I managed to bring up the ultimate question in class: gradu. I was wondering where the hell people get their topics and can be pleased with something completely trivial. The teacher's answer very much suggested that writing a gradu for the sake of writing a gradu is a good thing, not to be questioned. I very much disagreed (no surprises here...): seriously, what's the point of doing that? And then of course the subject of justification: why is this topic worth studying? Does it make it justifiable if no one has ever done a study on that? I do understand (with reluctance, though) that a gradu or even a doctorate will not change the world. So why the fuck do I still keep doing this? Because I don't want to be mediocre. I can fail miserably or be the top of the class but I will not be "okay" or "fine"! This leaves a problem: either I learn to think differently or I have to decide whether to graduate at all.
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The revenge of the curse of the social atom:
Back with the humanist group. Miserable. Absolutely depressing. We had to make a list of the top values we want from our careers. Then checking things that apply from a list and thus determine the anchors of the careers. My were (no surprises here either...) independence and balance. When the time came, again, to talk about other people I lost it. No keeping cool, but I just kept going on about not belonging, that I fell alienated from other students, from other people, how I have no idea why people do the things they do. One of the other students asked me an interesting -and what should have been an expected- question: why do I so strongly refuse to go for a job that requires interacting with people? Why do I not like people? And I poured all this out. Now I feel even worse than I did in the beginning of the course; before I was at a loss within the humanist scene, now I'm at a loss within everything because I so clearly should not be a humanist, but to study something systematic, logical, firm, hard sciences. The mentor of the course (really cute, by the way ;D) suggested I should consider certain business areas (...), financing or management, or physics or something like that.
Post scriptum: we also had to write a guided CV. Last question was about special skills. I have none, since ranting and raving are not included as such. Ended up writing the first seventy digits of pi on the lines. So sad.
