It's my father's birthday. It would be his 49th birthday, to be precise. I didn't realise it until a couple of hours ago, and after that realisation my room felt far too small to be in so I ended up back in my safe haven by the sea, thinking about my father while listening to 'Caleb'.
It was some time during junior high, I think, when things got so bad I made a conscious decision to ignore to great extent. I wouldn't speak to him unless I was first spoken to by him (which didn't happen that often), I would treat him as if he wasn't even there, and I stopped greeting him on holidays and such, including his birthday. The latter I kept: I suppose it turned into a habit. Now it seems that it was merely a way to avoid acknowledging any emotional connection I might have with him; at least I could control that, since I couldn't do anything about our blood ties.
I've noticed I think of my father more now than I did when he was alive. Maybe it's easier now that he's not physically hovering in the background, always looming there as a possible threat. Tonight I was trying to come up with even a slightly positive memory of him. I didn't.
Even the negative memories have begun to fade. I am no longer clinging to the anger his alcoholism caused but instead I try to learn something of it, to discover what positive results it may have yielded. I haven't reached the end of my path yet but I', getting there. I hope that one day I will be able to forgive him for all the things he did, for all the things he took away from me, my childhood, my trust, my ability to experience any other feelings but hatred for so long…
Maybe some day.
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The Meme of the Day:
Join the Litter Movement, better known as "Poimi roska päivässä -liike". Just one piece of garbage and the surroundings not only look nicer but the environment also become safer to humans, animals as well as our beloved bikes.
More information on the movement at http://koti.welho.com/jpeltora/roskaliike.html.
