Literary anxiety.

I don't know how some people do it. Read so many books, I mean. My problem, I think, is that I started it so late: I think the first *real* systematical reading I began when I was at the university. Until then I hadn't really read anything worthy of further consideration, except some classics for Finnish classes. I know one whose act of rebellion as a teen was to start reading Tammi's Yellow Library! When she was a teen! I mean, fuck! I didn't even know of its excistence until I was 20!

And now I have immense anxiety over the fact that there are so many books I should have read by now. I mean, all the classics, not to mention Nobel and Booker and Pulitzer and Finlandia and whatnot prize winners, the number of which also accumulates every year. In addition, I should read contemporary literature, literature from different countries to get rid of the Anglo-American-European bias of literature. Then there's of course plenty of books published annually in Finland alone, and I should read at least those of them that raise much discussion in the media and those that raise much discussion in the literary circles (those two don't apparently tend to overlap that much; it's the distinction between popular culture and high culture, I think). Also, there are the media-frenzy books from previous years of contemporary literature. And then I should also keep up my literary uniqueness by reading books that are less in the limelight after their publication. Also there are the numerous book hints from numerous book blogs; books from areas of my special interest; factual, scientific publications regarding other special areas other than my linguistics and fiction, such as biology, physics, etc. AND their own classics. Oh, and let us not forget the books from Kirsi Piha's Lukupiiri.

And above all this I should study AND enjoy the reading anyway. I'm never going to achieve a literary knowledge like that of my teachers, am I? I should've started earlier instead of wasting time with kiosk literature like Robin Cook and -fact forbid.. if only I could erase those altogether- the Sweet Valley High series. This is one of the most shameful moments of my entire life from the literary point of view.

I know I read more than most of my co-students. But that is no basis not to demand this kind of literary knowledge from myself. I may be usually the one raising my hand in class when the teacher asks if anyone's read this or that but still they can -during one single lecture, 45 minutes- make me feel completely inadequate when they drop names of authors and titles of books I've never even heard of but should know enough by the end of the course to be able to give an education in-depth analysis of them! There's no way in hell I'll be able to do that! Some of the books -usually classics- may overlap with books required to read for a course but it's nowhere near enough! I think I might have a popcicle's chance in hell if I majored in literature, which I don't. I don't even minor in literature (which, after the latest change, is an enormous relief... my sister isn't so lucky..).

Fuck!