I had a therapist appointment again. She seems to think that I scare many a potential friend away with my opinions and my poisonous tongue, especially male ones. Well, one can always hope. I don't really even want to befriend straight men, anyway. I think they're scum and way much inferior to me that they can fuck off. Judging by their reaction, they would have very little to give me, anyway.

- - -

I cried last night like a child. Not because it would have been a miserable day; no, I got the sai (see the picture below) via mail and I went to Combat as usual and enjoyed them both enormously. I cried because with a little help from the phone book I realised something about Her, something I had never even considered before. The phone book says in her address there lives another one with the same last name. My first thought: it's her mother. Then I checked the name and realised it a male name. Okay, I thought, it's her father. After that: it's probably just a coincidence (yeah, right). And when it hit me, it hit me hard: what if She's married and just doesn't wear the ring? It's possible; according to my grandmother Tarja Halonen doesn't wear her wedding ring (I have never paid any attention to whether or not she wears the bloody ring, but my Christian grandmother seems to find it blasphemous; funny since you would think Halonen being an atheist would be a bigger offense towards my grandmother's strict god than not wearing a ring).

But somehow the mere possibility of Her being married... I found it devistating. So I cried. Against a pillow I hoped would have been Her lap, with a blanket drawn over my head I hoped would have been Her warm hand on my hair... Her without questions about why I'm crying, just being there comforting me.