"No, I am not drunk. No, I am not stoned, either. I'm just feeling happy." This was my answer to a costudent of mine when she wondered why I was smiling all the time. Very Finnish for people to think I'm under the influence if I'm smiling in the middle of winter.
Actually, I'm smiling because of what happened yesterday. I've already mentioned in some of my previous entries the teacher whose company I enjoy (not in a sexual way, for the record). Last night I realised exactly how much I think of her as my mother. I was doing my homework, and she invited me to come and study in her office, to keep her company while she read a book. Sort of "let's be alone together" thing. Before I left at 8.30 p.m. we had an interesting conversation. Turned out we both like Paulo Coelho, and that she thinks my lesbianism is "cool" (a reaction that I thought wasn't even remotely plausible to expect). When I was walking home I cried; it was just such a relief to find out she doesn't resent me because of who I am but actually said it's good I have found a way to experience the ultimate feeling, love, be it in the arms of a lover or a loved one. Her approval means so much to me. She told me she's part of the Red Cross crisis unit that might be called, for instance, to an earthquake disaster area within 24 hours to help the victims. Or she might end up in the middle of a warzone and being shot at. I do hope that will never happen, I would be very worried about her. Funny, how I still keep learning the so-called normal human behaviour, thinking if it's okay to hug her if I really feel like it or not. I guess I just have to give it my best try and hope I won't do anything that would appear too friendly or something like that. I don't expect her to worry about me or think she's obliged to care for me just because I think of her as a substitute mother. I only hope she lets me to think this way.
Speaking of Paulo Coelho, I jus received my this month's "Warrior of the Light" entry (the online version can be found in www.paulocoelho.com, I recommend it to everyone). It's a blog written by Coelho himself. This entry discussed one of the seven deadly sins, lust. I have to say that it was the Church that created such a sin; of course you can have sex without emotions being involved but to me sex is sacred. Body and mind just cannot be separated.
