We're all mad here

Näytetään bloggaukset maaliskuulta 2013.

So long and goodnight

(Yep, another post about music and bands)

My Chemical Romance, one of my favorite bands, announced their break-up this weekend. I'm a bit sad, to be honest, but they need to do what's right for them and I get that. Still sucks. Mostly knowing that I'll never get to see them play live again. Sure, they might do a comeback someday, but I highly doubt it.

I started listening to them when I was like 14 or 15 and I just love them to pieces. They're all amazing musicians, but I love the most is Gerard Way's ability to sing like he's singing for you and you alone. The way he sings makes you feel like you're not alone. And honestly, that helped me a lot when I was going through my darkest days of the great depression.

So for the past two days I've been listening to MCR and feeling a bit sad. I know it's "just a band", but when a band and certain songs are a part of your life for nearly 10 years, it's no longer "just" a band.

I tend to get emotionally involved with songs. They'll remind me of certain events and certain feelings and sometimes certain people. Or sometimes the lyrics just hit me hard.

All good things must come to an end, I guess. Nothing lasts forever and all that crap. It's okay, guys, I still love you.

“Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive.”
- Gerard Way

My Chemical Romance - The light behind your eyes;


Look alive, sunshine

The plan for this weekend was to stay home, study for the university entrance exams and maybe do the dishes and clean up and stuff.

But then I got restless and asked a friend to go out drinking with me. So we're going out tonight and tomorrow will be spent with a hangover. Well, I have mondays off from work, so I can study and clean then.

I blame her for saying yes.

Well, not really. I'm glad she agreed 'cause I haven't gone out since New Year's and I NEED to go out and spend time with people I don't work with.

Because lately my social life has consisted of chatting with co-workers (nothing wrong with that, most of them are really nice actually) and trying to explain where the restrooms are to tourists I share no common language with.

So yeah.

And because I enjoy sharing music I like with you, here's a lyric video for Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance;


With bleeding hands I fight for a life that beat me down

En muista olenko maininnut uudesta tatuoinnistani, joten mainitsen siitä nyt. Vanhojen viiltelyarpien* päälle hakattiin teksti "If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep". Tekstin ei ole tarkotus peittää arpia, vaan ne kuuluu olennaisena osana koko tatuointiin.

The scars are not exactly the enemies the tattoo mentions, but they do represent them. They represent self-loathing, anxiety, all my insecurities, that lump that sat on my chest for years, not letting me breathe. They represent that indescribable pain that I never understood or knew where it came from, what caused it. They represent all the times I cried myself to sleep without even knowing why.

They represent my worst enemies. They were caused by my worst enemies.

About two weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment so that I could get more happy pills and he asked if anything had happened that had triggered the depression. All I could say was no. I don't think anything in particular triggered it. It just happened. No reason, no explanation. It just did.

Right now I'm better. I'm still on medication, but I'm in the process of getting off it. All the things I listed above are mostly gone. Well, not gone. Asleep.

Sure I get sad (or anxious or insecure) sometimes, but these days I get normal-sad, not depression-sad. The kind of sad I can deal with it.

Some people might say that my depression has been cured, but to me the word "cured" is way too optimistic. Way too hopeful. "Cured" implies that it'll never happen again and I can't even dare to wish for that.

So what happens if love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep, and to keep them asleep? Well, I'll think about that if I ever need to.

*Sivuhuomatuksena mainittakoon, että olen viimeksi kasvattanut kyseisten arpien kokoelmaa syksyllä 2010 ja olen tästä yli kahden vuoden viiltelemättömyyssaavutuksestani aivan saatanan ylpeä. Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to quit that habit?