• callmeisabelle

With bleeding hands I fight for a life that beat me down

En muista olenko maininnut uudesta tatuoinnistani, joten mainitsen siitä nyt. Vanhojen viiltelyarpien* päälle hakattiin teksti "If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep". Tekstin ei ole tarkotus peittää arpia, vaan ne kuuluu olennaisena osana koko tatuointiin.

The scars are not exactly the enemies the tattoo mentions, but they do represent them. They represent self-loathing, anxiety, all my insecurities, that lump that sat on my chest for years, not letting me breathe. They represent that indescribable pain that I never understood or knew where it came from, what caused it. They represent all the times I cried myself to sleep without even knowing why.

They represent my worst enemies. They were caused by my worst enemies.

About two weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment so that I could get more happy pills and he asked if anything had happened that had triggered the depression. All I could say was no. I don't think anything in particular triggered it. It just happened. No reason, no explanation. It just did.

Right now I'm better. I'm still on medication, but I'm in the process of getting off it. All the things I listed above are mostly gone. Well, not gone. Asleep.

Sure I get sad (or anxious or insecure) sometimes, but these days I get normal-sad, not depression-sad. The kind of sad I can deal with it.

Some people might say that my depression has been cured, but to me the word "cured" is way too optimistic. Way too hopeful. "Cured" implies that it'll never happen again and I can't even dare to wish for that.

So what happens if love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep, and to keep them asleep? Well, I'll think about that if I ever need to.

*Sivuhuomatuksena mainittakoon, että olen viimeksi kasvattanut kyseisten arpien kokoelmaa syksyllä 2010 ja olen tästä yli kahden vuoden viiltelemättömyyssaavutuksestani aivan saatanan ylpeä. Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to quit that habit?